This thread is so sad. I want to cry now...

Anonymous wrote:My father is elderly and has a degenerative health condition. He is very down about his physical pains, his inability to be independent, his need for assistance with basic life functions, and his prognosis. He feels bad that he needs so much help and can't do what he used to do/enjoy what he used to enjoy. We see him once a week, and more than that is not really possible. We tell him that we love him, but it doesn't seem to make him feel any better. Does anyone have suggestions on what I can do to make him feel loved and appreciated, even in his current state? Thank you for any advice you might have.

When my dad was in hopsice (for a lonnnnggg time) I'd bring him flyers for cars and things I had planned to buy. I'd ask him to help me consider interest rates and things because he had been an accountant. I'd ask his advice on things like "should I get the GPS or the leather seats" so he could tell me about cars he had.

I told him on our last visit I was thinking of getting my kids a pet. Which pet was his favorite?

Giving him a chance to guide me and recollect his happy moments (new car, new house, new puppy) was a nice way to start conversations. It showed him, I think, that the choices he made were ones I respected.

Just saying "I love you" isn't enough. Visit and do things together. Maybe its watching baseball, play cards, look through old pictures, ask about old stories. My mother has had a series of strokes and is just coming to terms with her loss of independence. I think she's tired of giving updates on how well she's walking or the patterns of her BMs. On Mother's Day we went thru the box of old photos and talked about past vacations. This weekend we're hoping to get out for a picnic. I think we've all recognized that she could/should have died 6 months ago so we're trying to make every visit count. And it seems like its the small things that mean the most for all of us.

It is like with little kids - it is time that matters. They want you there. He is likely lonely. My grandmother (who is like my mother) is very similar to your father. I only visit once a week as well but I try and take her out so she has different stimulation, we do things together so we aren't having the same tired conversations. I call during the week just to day hi. We have very short phone conversations but at least she knows I thought of her. I mail her post cards now and then as she loves getting mail. I try and bring fresh flowers every week so there is a different smell/look to the room. what they want is your time, you to be there with them. If you can't be then leave reminders.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Dad had parkinsons, every other week I would spend the afternoon with him, watching a ball game, and as things got worse I would sing with him and read him the poetry he loved. His mind never went and he sure perked up. Also he loved my dog so she always came and sat with him. Talking on the phone does not cut it.

This made me cry. And miss my dad.

+1000

Anonymous wrote:My Dad had parkinsons, every other week I would spend the afternoon with him, watching a ball game, and as things got worse I would sing with him and read him the poetry he loved. His mind never went and he sure perked up. Also he loved my dog so she always came and sat with him. Talking on the phone does not cut it.

This made me cry. And miss my dad.

My Dad had parkinsons, every other week I would spend the afternoon with him, watching a ball game, and as things got worse I would sing with him and read him the poetry he loved. His mind never went and he sure perked up. Also he loved my dog so she always came and sat with him. Talking on the phone does not cut it.

Ask for stories from when he was young. Also, ask for his advice on issues - old people feel like they're thrown away in this country. Help him feel useful. Can you bring a dog to visit each time you go? It sounds like having a pet would be too much for him, but getting him to sit with a dog on his lap can be very healing.

Also, take him out sometimes. We used to spring my great-grandmother from her nursing home in the Bronx and bring her to our house for the day. We'd park her in the kitchen and she'd play cards and color with us and chat with my mom while my mom cooked.

Anonymous wrote:I speak to my mom - everyday for an hour or so. She lives in another country. As I am beginning my day- her day is ending. She knows the minutiae of my life as I do hers.

Ditto. I talk to mine about 2 to 3 times a week. FaceTime is a boon, when you have family on the other side of the globe. Sometimes I fantasize about taking about 2 to 3 months off from this craziness and spend time with her. Wish I had that luxury

Visit some - just you. Sit with him. Hold his hand. Keep him company. Don't always bring the family - it can feel like he's on display.

Even if you can't visit in person as often as you might like, having daily Skype or FaceTime calls might let your dad know you are thinking about him and care about him. It might also be nice to ask for his advice on issues in your own life, because it is good to feel needed and valued. Good luck!

I speak to my mom - everyday for an hour or so. She lives in another country. As I am beginning my day- her day is ending. She knows the minutiae of my life as I do hers.

I would ask if you could record his stories as well.

Ask him to re-tell stories. "Say dad, can you tell me about that time you..."

Elderly people like to re-tell stories about their lives, but sometimes hold back because they don't want to burden others. But listening to them, showing interest in their experiences, is one of the best ways you can show your love.

It may be repetitive now, but trust me, you'll value the re-telling of those stories later.

My father is elderly and has a degenerative health condition. He is very down about his physical pains, his inability to be independent, his need for assistance with basic life functions, and his prognosis. He feels bad that he needs so much help and can't do what he used to do/enjoy what he used to enjoy. We see him once a week, and more than that is not really possible. We tell him that we love him, but it doesn't seem to make him feel any better. Does anyone have suggestions on what I can do to make him feel loved and appreciated, even in his current state? Thank you for any advice you might have.