OP, I have a slightly similar relationship with my DH's sister. Definitely has improved and am grateful for that. When my better angels are asleep, I can still seethe when thinking of some the horribly immature things she perpetrated in the early years of DH's and my courtship and marriage. To the best of my ability in those days, I would take the high road. While she did not change overnight, I do believe she gradually accepted that her behavior was inevitably hurting her, not me. I realize it is largely a one-way street, but believe that being gracious and keeping my kids' and DH's needs upper most in mind has allowed us to have a better relationship than what it was 14 years ago.

Thanks to all those who replied. Yes, I do think she's on a power trip. She usually is very nice to me in front of people and when my brother is around. But then she goes and does this stuff, after 15 years you'd think I would be so over it, and I just need to let it go.

After reading all the replies, I really thought what I could have done for her to act this way. No to PP who said, I pissed her off while she was dating my brother, no, I never interfered while they were dating, (I was actually going through a divorce at the time). Only think I can think of is that my brother is the Godfather to my twins and I didn't ask her to be the Godmother, my two best friends are the Godmothers, I've known them for 25 years and they have stuck by me through thick and thin.

Thanks for all the responses and Happy Mother's Day, to all.

Are you sure she isn't just flaky?

If not, I'm guessing you were bitchy to her when she started dating your brother and now it's payback time.

Anonymous wrote:She is doing it to hurt you. Why did you ask about the mass? I would just not show up and if asked say, "I wasn't invited" and leave it at that. The more you react, the more satisfaction she gets. Some people are sick inside that way.

I agree except I wouldn't say "I wasn't invited" which implies you found out anyway. I would say "I didn't even know about it!"
What would your brother say if you missed out on a family event? I would back off for a long while and just let things go. If you aren't told about something, don't go and just let it play out. You can see how your brother reacts.

And FWIW - We did not invite anyone besides 2 grandparents to the First Communion Mass. 80-some kids with families meant a mobbed church and I was not going to try holding seats. I hope my SIL isn't mad!

Anonymous wrote:
It feels awful to be rejected, I know.

However, it's a great lesson in teaching your children that sometimes people are not into them, and that the only solution is to move on.

Agree with this wholeheartedly. I rather spend my time and effort going places I'm wanted than shoving my way in places I'm not wanted.

Anonymous wrote:
It feels awful to be rejected, I know.

However, it's a great lesson in teaching your children that sometimes people are not into them, and that the only solution is to move on.

MY SIL was like that, until my MIL died. Odd, but there was a triangle thing going on.

Do you argue with your brother? Are they on a budget? Do Godparents get priority in this family?

Does someone else act poorly around you, so you are ostracized because they can't behave when you are there (opposite politics, Yankees/Red Sox...something...). My kids are loud and when my dad was ill he could last an hour or so with them and had to then nap. He loved them, but he was often done with the stimulation before lunch. We'd plan things in such a way as to help keep him with us, but we'd have to manage some interactions (aka, my husband took the kids to the playground) so we could make sure as many people as possible were included and accommodated.

You could ask your brother if there is anything you could be doing differently. He may know and not know how to tell you. If he doesn't, (aka she hadn't told him) it probably isn't you at all.

I would just stop with any effort. Stop inviting her and if she doesn't invite you, forget it. If she cares, she will do something about it.

She is doing it to hurt you. Why did you ask about the mass? I would just not show up and if asked say, "I wasn't invited" and leave it at that. The more you react, the more satisfaction she gets. Some people are sick inside that way.

I just gave up the little relationship I had left with my sister (thus cutting off cousins like you would be), and it's sad but sometimes they're just not worth the effort. Let her have it her way, maybe eventually your brother will figure out if he cares or not.

It feels awful to be rejected, I know.

However, it's a great lesson in teaching your children that sometimes people are not into them, and that the only solution is to move on.

Be happy you have a great excuse for not going. If other relatives are there and someone says something about the first communion mass, just say you can't wait to hear about how the mass went at the party. There is a chance there really isn't room at the church. If you get invited to something three hours before don't go. You are letting her control you. You are never,ever going to win her over.

I'm not sure I could do this, but what about just writing her a letter with your observations, and suggestions as to how you two can work things out. At least you can say you made the effort.

She's on a power trip. Find other friends and move on. Your kids will be fine.

Give her a stack of self-addressed stamped envelopes. Or teach her to use evites.

My nephew's First Communion is coming up. I was at my brother and SIL's home and asked what time mass was as my invitation only mentioned the luncheon. SIL went on and on about how she didn't know how I didn't get a card in addition to the other invitation with the Church name and mass information, saying things like, hmmm I wonder whose envelope I put it in??? I knew she was lying, she does this ALL. THE. TIME!! I've been "forgotten" to be invited to my nephew's bday parties until she realized it and it was hours before the event, the list just goes on. I've told my brother about it and he seems to think I'm making a big deal out of a little mistake, but how many times can you make the same mistake about the same person? It's obvious she doesn't like a me and honestly the feeling is mutual. Although, I never exclude them off of invitations.


Should I say something to my brother or just leave it alone. It's especially frustrating because my boys love to together with their cousin and if I don't plan something, they never do.

Vent, over, I'm feeling really sad about this. Before this b*tch came into my brother life, we had a great relationship, now, it's all down hill.