Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 09:04     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
You fiance is doing the right thing--he is making it clear to his mother that he expects her to treat you in an acceptable manner. I would NOT reach out to her directly--you do not want to undercut what he is doing. It's his mother, his relationship, his call. You should simply ask him what he plans to do about mother's day. Then just listen.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 08:55     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Has he been married before? I agree with the others that you should keep quiet and let him take a stand for you now. It's important for him to set the tone for how you will be treated down the road.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 08:40     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Agree with MOST pps. Not the one about not respecting a "man who cuts off his own mother". Whatever. He is backing you. There are so many MIL threads about the man not handling it/backing his wife, so I would say you are very lucky. All you can do is encourage once or twice (but good for him for wanting an apology first). In all honesty, she will probably badmouth you to her friends and make it look like your fault, but you can't control any of that. You can't control what happens at the family gathering. Just be the bigger people and move on and enjoy your new family of each other.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 08:40     Subject: Re:Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Anonymous wrote:Whoah, she's 41? Was she a teen mom? How old is your husband?



Ooops - my mistake. HE is 41 not her. Carry on.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 08:39     Subject: Re:Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Whoah, she's 41? Was she a teen mom? How old is your husband?

Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 08:26     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Anonymous wrote:I know, ANOTHER MIL post! My future MIL is apparently not my biggest fan. I actually thought she liked me and that we got along quite well. I guess it is the typical, "she is the reason I don't see my son as often as I should/used to/would like to" drama. There are aspects about my personality or things I may have done that she doesn't care for, but nothing worthy of dislike. People are different, so be it! We are also polar opposites religiously and politically, though never discuss it. I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her and have encouraged my partner to do things for her birthday and mother's day. She recently made her feelings toward me known. My SO is choosing to not speak to his mother until she apologizes. He is 41 and not childish or holding a grudge. He simply doesn't have any desire to approach her. My question here is... Should I encourage him to reach out for Mother's Day? Should I reach out, even though she was a complete B* to me? They have otherwise had a good relationship. She is very self centered and it really irritates my SO, but many people are like this. I have asked him if he was planning to do anything for her and he said he might post Happy Mother's Day to her fb wall. I told him that he is welcome to take her to lunch or whatever without me. I know he has no desire to do that. They haven't spoken in about 2 months. Do something? Let it go? We have a family event and will see her at the end of the month. TIA


Stay out of it. He is sticking up for you so, STFU and let him!
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 02:54     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
I would not encourage him. He's a grown man, and it seems like he knows what he is doing. You are very lucky that he's standing up for you.
Anonymous
Post 05/07/2014 02:42     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
I have been in your shoes numerous times with my inlaws. 8 years of marriage. It will not get easier but you do have your husband backing you up which is honestly amazing! My inlaws are in their third time out for being hateful to me, and recently I kept urging reconciliation from my husband. He kept saying no and finally admitted that they have not and will not contact him. His last text to them was asking them how they were going to apologize or make things right with me. That was two months ago and nothing since. He has stated that since they aren't trying neither is he. Heck last time we went through this the mother emailed and called,often, but my husband ignored her for about 5 months until she and I ran into each other and worked things out, or so I thought.

Here is what I advise. I advise that you let your husband handle all contact at this point, as you two need to be presented as a united front. He is backing you up and standing his ground on how his wife should be treated.He is stating that he is not going to stand for this poor behavior towards you. Kuddos for him! Huge Kuddos! You are essentially undermining him if you send a card in the mail to her. Once you *all* reach reconciliation, then yes it's fine to send a card, together, as a united front!

Whew, good luck! Those mils are peaches huh?
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 23:34     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Let your boyfriend deal with his own mom.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 23:28     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Anonymous wrote:You know, I'd have a hard time respecting a man who was cutting off his mom, difficult or not. I'm not saying he shouldn't stand up for you, he should. But honestly families experience these strains all the time. I mean, did she say "run for the hills, Joey, she's a manipulative whore!" Or something more like "Joey, I just don't think Elle is good for you. You aren't yourself anymore. You don't seem happy." Neither is fun to hear, but should be responded to very differently.

So if I were in your shoes, I'd keep encouraging him to reach out to her. I'd ask him what types of appropriate boundaries would help him maintain a relationship with his mom without feeling disrespected. Barring physical or verbal abuse, there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

If he doesn't make a reasonable effort, I'd think long and hard about his ability to negotiate difficult situations with loved ones. This all assumes he has a relatively normal relationship and that no abuse (emotional or otherwise) is going on.


He hasn't cut her off, he just hasn't reached out. Her actions/words were directed at me and her response to her son was more negativity aimed at me. He would answer or respond to her attempts if she had any, he just has no desire to make those attempts after her behavior, which was in-between your examples. I have encouraged him to reach out and I know he will (hell, he'll be forced to soon) if she doesn't make an effort.

As I mentioned, she is very self centered, and that narcissistic behavior has taken a toll on his relationship with her. He avoids her bc he doesn't like drama and I hope it mends soon bc I don't like drama! I also do not believe that you should keep toxic people in your life simply bc they're family, even a parent. I am not at all implying that she would be put in that category, just responding to your initial statement.

Thanks for taking the time to respond!
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 22:31     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
You know, I'd have a hard time respecting a man who was cutting off his mom, difficult or not. I'm not saying he shouldn't stand up for you, he should. But honestly families experience these strains all the time. I mean, did she say "run for the hills, Joey, she's a manipulative whore!" Or something more like "Joey, I just don't think Elle is good for you. You aren't yourself anymore. You don't seem happy." Neither is fun to hear, but should be responded to very differently.

So if I were in your shoes, I'd keep encouraging him to reach out to her. I'd ask him what types of appropriate boundaries would help him maintain a relationship with his mom without feeling disrespected. Barring physical or verbal abuse, there has to be a happy medium in there somewhere.

If he doesn't make a reasonable effort, I'd think long and hard about his ability to negotiate difficult situations with loved ones. This all assumes he has a relatively normal relationship and that no abuse (emotional or otherwise) is going on.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 22:16     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
She's not your mother. I would encourage him to reach out to her, but you don't need to do the reaching out.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 22:15     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
When you marry, you marry the family.
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 22:00     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
Anonymous wrote:I know, ANOTHER MIL post! My future MIL is apparently not my biggest fan. I actually thought she liked me and that we got along quite well. I guess it is the typical, "she is the reason I don't see my son as often as I should/used to/would like to" drama. There are aspects about my personality or things I may have done that she doesn't care for, but nothing worthy of dislike. People are different, so be it! We are also polar opposites religiously and politically, though never discuss it. I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her and have encouraged my partner to do things for her birthday and mother's day. She recently made her feelings toward me known. My SO is choosing to not speak to his mother until she apologizes. He is 41 and not childish or holding a grudge. He simply doesn't have any desire to approach her. My question here is... Should I encourage him to reach out for Mother's Day? Should I reach out, even though she was a complete B* to me? They have otherwise had a good relationship. She is very self centered and it really irritates my SO, but many people are like this. I have asked him if he was planning to do anything for her and he said he might post Happy Mother's Day to her fb wall. I told him that he is welcome to take her to lunch or whatever without me. I know he has no desire to do that. They haven't spoken in about 2 months. Do something? Let it go? We have a family event and will see her at the end of the month. TIA


Maybe I should have posted this in the FAMILY section???
Anonymous
Post 05/06/2014 21:59     Subject: Future MIL (doesn't care for me) Mother's Day Question
I know, ANOTHER MIL post! My future MIL is apparently not my biggest fan. I actually thought she liked me and that we got along quite well. I guess it is the typical, "she is the reason I don't see my son as often as I should/used to/would like to" drama. There are aspects about my personality or things I may have done that she doesn't care for, but nothing worthy of dislike. People are different, so be it! We are also polar opposites religiously and politically, though never discuss it. I have always gone out of my way to be kind to her and have encouraged my partner to do things for her birthday and mother's day. She recently made her feelings toward me known. My SO is choosing to not speak to his mother until she apologizes. He is 41 and not childish or holding a grudge. He simply doesn't have any desire to approach her. My question here is... Should I encourage him to reach out for Mother's Day? Should I reach out, even though she was a complete B* to me? They have otherwise had a good relationship. She is very self centered and it really irritates my SO, but many people are like this. I have asked him if he was planning to do anything for her and he said he might post Happy Mother's Day to her fb wall. I told him that he is welcome to take her to lunch or whatever without me. I know he has no desire to do that. They haven't spoken in about 2 months. Do something? Let it go? We have a family event and will see her at the end of the month. TIA