Anonymous wrote:People have different ideas of what it means to be successful, and (perhaps related), different ideals of happiness.

I live in a one-bedroom apartment. My sister owns and has to maintain 3 houses. I live just fine within my means. My sister has constant stress. I'm in a happy, low-maintenance relationship. My sister is married to someone more high maintenance, and they've already had multiple marital problems in the 4 years she's been married. I drive a 10+ year old car, and don't worry if it gets a ding. They have newer, more expensive cars, and worry about maintaining their shiny, perfect appearances. I feel happy and confident going to the store or gym simple, and make-up free. My sister wears makeup even when she goes to workout, because she wants to look great all the time. She's on a number of medications for anxiety, sleep-deprivation, etc. I'm on no medications. They're busy all the time. I have more down time.

Financial and career success are important to some people. And that's fine. But different strokes for different folks. I have less stress, I worry less about the external image I present to everyone. I live humbly, but happily, and without nearly as much stress or anxiety.

That said, every person/family has cracks, as pp mentioned. My sister does try and present an image of success and "having it all," but it's a facade. I would not trade my life for theirs at all, and I don't envy it. It sounds exhausting, frankly. We all make different choices, and at the end of the day, all that matters is how you feel without comparing yourself to others.

10:13 here - THIS is what I meant when I said everything is relative. Exactly.

People have different ideas of what it means to be successful, and (perhaps related), different ideals of happiness.

I live in a one-bedroom apartment. My sister owns and has to maintain 3 houses. I live just fine within my means. My sister has constant stress. I'm in a happy, low-maintenance relationship. My sister is married to someone more high maintenance, and they've already had multiple marital problems in the 4 years she's been married. I drive a 10+ year old car, and don't worry if it gets a ding. They have newer, more expensive cars, and worry about maintaining their shiny, perfect appearances. I feel happy and confident going to the store or gym simple, and make-up free. My sister wears makeup even when she goes to workout, because she wants to look great all the time. She's on a number of medications for anxiety, sleep-deprivation, etc. I'm on no medications. They're busy all the time. I have more down time.

Financial and career success are important to some people. And that's fine. But different strokes for different folks. I have less stress, I worry less about the external image I present to everyone. I live humbly, but happily, and without nearly as much stress or anxiety.

That said, every person/family has cracks, as pp mentioned. My sister does try and present an image of success and "having it all," but it's a facade. I would not trade my life for theirs at all, and I don't envy it. It sounds exhausting, frankly. We all make different choices, and at the end of the day, all that matters is how you feel without comparing yourself to others.

OP - I am the high achieving younger sister. My older sister is the pretty charismatic one and actually cleverer as well but i worked my butt off to get where I am. I had a fab career and my sister just did not focus on it earlier. She did get her act together in her 30s and is now doing very well.

However, we are very close and while we have may moment of schadenfreude we are each others cheerleaders.

Funnily enough, now Im a SAHM and my sister in the one with the high flying job.

Which is just a long winded way of saying that life brings changes, people make different choice along the way and things rarely remain static.

What is sad is that you and your sister dont seem to have a good relationship.

OP, my sister less than a year younger than I is quite well off, two full time homes with staff and multiple luxury cars in each location, robust social life, perfect kids etc. I am a Gov't worker, single mom, with kids working their way through college. We slept together in the same bed as children, so what went wrong with me? Luck of the draw. What I have learned is that the envy dissipates with age, and the cracks in the "perfect" life your sib has start to show. Having money and the successful life you perceive your sib has can be alot of work. I tried keeping up but it was too costly, so for economic reasons I had to limit my interaction with her an eventually you realize the rich do live differently, and you adjust. And I learned the hard way NEVER to take their charity.

I think you need to remember, OP, that everything is relative - including happiness. For one thing, I bet your sister isn't as happy as you think she ought to be. She probably pushes herself and is never satisfied. While the result is she appears successful from the outside, I bet she is constantly beats herself up about doing more, better etc. That's not a fantastic place to be either.

By the same token, your life IS a good life and you sound like you know that. It only starts to rattle you when you compare it to your sisters.

Happiness and success are about how you feel internally - not about what others think. I, for one, would much rather choose to be happy with my life as it is than to strive for external validation constantly. You can choose the same.

You may not see it, but your sister and her family have made sacrifices along the way for all of that success that they have now.

We tend to see the Big Grand Prize and forget what it took to win it. Sometimes it's worth the effort to get there, sometimes it's not.

Your sister will have things/experiences that you don't. But the opposite is true, too. Remember that.

OP- I'm the higher achieving sister in the family and I am sure that my sister feels to some degree how you do. My SIL also probably feels similarly. Including benefits, we probably make close to triple what both SIL and sister do. Just because we can afford more though doesn't necessarily mean that our lives are much better than my sister's/SIL. For example, I send my kids to private school and I know that I have to earn $X's to make that possible. My kid's are also involved in very expensive activities. I'm glad that I can afford these opportunities for my kids but it does provide an extra level of financial stress which keeps us in the "rat race" and on our A game.

My sister and her husband on the other hand have 9-5 jobs and much more laid back life. I comment and I mean it that sometimes I wonder if she has the better life because she does not have nearly the job stress that my husband and I do. Both SIL and sister have much more free time as a result of the job/life style choices.

I think you need to stop thinking about the material differences between you and your sister and realize that there are things that you have that your sister will never have. If your sister is anything like I am, she will agree that you have it better in a certain aspect.

OP again-sorry-I just wanted to say thank you for the suggestions and responses!

OP here. I didn't mean to imply that my kids don't work or that they are lazy. They aren't-they just don't go to private schools or have private tutoring. I don't think it's fair to say that her kids have worked harder than my kids. A lot of it is environment. One thing I am very focused on at this point is saving money so we can move to a better area and enroll the kids in better schools. They are still young (elementary school age) and it's important to me that we move prior to the time they go to middle school.

When I stated that I withdrew from the competition I meant that I chose not to push myself very hard. I was worried that if it appeared that I cared about succeeding and tried and failed it would be worse than trying at all. That was a bad choice and one that I regret but I can't go back 30 years and change history (I don't think I even really understood what I was doing at the time). I chose to focus on getting attention from guys, partying, etc. which was a mistake but as horrible as this sounds it was an area in which I "succeeded." After high school I went to college but not a very good one and I got okay grades but I could have done much better if I would have applied myself.

In terms of what I specifically feel is lacking in my life...well, I can honestly say that if I didn't have such a high achieving sibling I would be okay with my life. My life is pretty good, actually. My marriage is good, I love my kids dearly and my job is fine-not great, but okay. Of course, I'd love to have more money but if that would involve working crazy hours I wouldn't want to do that. I need to focus more on that and less on feeling badly in comparison to her. It's hard because my parents and other family members are very impressed with her lifestyle and I get tired of hearing about it. However, I agree with Eleanor Roosevelt's quote-no one can make you feel inferior without your permission. I have allowed myself to feel this way.

Your sister doesn't have the perfect life. She has the same dysfunctional upbringing as you and a sibling she should be close to but can't. If she is really looking down on you and this isn't a chip on your shoulder then she isn't as secure and content with herself as you think if she has to put other people down to feel good about herself. Second, you control your destiny to some extent. Sure you won't live in a mansion tomorrow but I refuse to believe you couldn't go back for a PhD if it was that important to you, that you could not have worked with your kids to make them competitive for the magnet programs in your area. People come to this country with far less and parents figure out a way to make the most of opportunities. As far as travel, I think vacation time is likely the big issue. My husband's parents were both teachers and I tease him about his priviledged upbringing because they did manage to take vacations around the country every summer and a few international trips. In general they didn't move to the next step up house when they could afford it and instead stayed in the starter home. Is travel that important to you that you would sacrifice elsewhere or not? For my in-laws furnishing the house and spending a lot of money updating it came after a lot of other priorities. Finally, think of what you are doing differently with your kids so they are on the same team and what advice you would give your kids if one becomes rich and another is middle class.

Good luck.

I hear you OP. I am an only child so I've never had to deal with this sort of thing but I can imagine how hard it must be to be in this situation. My husband and his brother are a little over a year apart, are in the same exact career field, but I bet his brother feels similarly in terms of being compared because his brother and his wife live in a tiny apartment and have been dealing with infertility for years. It must be very hard to be so close in age to a sibling and feel that you are always being compared.

Is there any area where you excel, such as a hobby--musical instrument, artistic ability, runner, etc.? If so, I would work on that, I would think it would boost your self esteem.

I could understand your not wanting to attend family functions where you would be compared. If it was me, I would probably not go to many family functions but instead focus on my own family traditions.

What specifically about your sister's lifestyle do you feel is lacking in yours and you wish you had? Do you wish your career was more high powered?

OP, you say you withdrew from the competition, but I don't think you did.

I am sorry to say that you and your sister were pitted against each other. I find it terrible that people always compare sisters for some reason - at least their looks if nothing else.

I am sorry you feel bad but no one can make you feel inferior without your permission.

You need to work on your own self and be less shallow and more proud of your sister. Her success has been earned. Her kids have worked harder than your kids.

Anonymous wrote:If you need to limit your interactions with your sister to protect your self-esteem, then do that.

+1

You need to keep in mind that there will always be people better off than you and worse off than you. If you need to limit your interactions with your sister to protect your self-esteem, then do that. Focus on what you DO have, HAVE achieved, etc.

My younger sister is very successful. She has a doctorate degree, a great career, a successful, high earning husband, a happy marriage, a beautiful house, a large social network and three smart, high achieving children. I know no one is perfect, but she has what appears to be an almost ideal sort of life. My husband and I have decent jobs (teaching and social work), a small group of friends and our kids are intelligent but they aren't high achievers. We are solidly middle class while my sister and her husband are upper middle to upper class. Compared to the rest of the world, I feel like we are doing pretty well but compared to my sister I feel like a failure. Our kids don't have the same opportunities that her children do-they go to better schools, have had more opportunity to travel, etc. I love my sister but being around her and our family is hard sometimes as I feel constantly compared and seen as "lesser." We are very close in age (1 year apart) and growing up we were compared and pitted against each other. As a teen she reacted by pushing herself harder and achieving more while I reacted by slacking off, partying and withdrawing from the competition. It's been tough living in her shadow. In most families I would be considered reasonably successful but not in my family. I have had therapy to try to work through significant issues from childhood (our family was and to some degree continues to be very dysfunctional) but I still can't seem to get past the envy and feelings of inferiority. It's to the point where I dread family events and interactions with my sister. I really feel as though she looks down on me and I get nervous when I speak with her-I feel like she judges my vocabulary, the content of my speech, etc. She's a nice person but is very impressed with herself.

I know this is really unhealthy. Any thoughts as to how to deal with this? Therapy really wasn't all that helpful in this area.