I think the Dr. Laura article has some good advice. The hardest thing to do is to NOT engage. Sometimes I will say I need a break from this and go to my room.

When it first started happening with our DD I did tell her at a later time (not in the heat of the moment) that her hormones levels are pretty wild in puberty and thus may make her feel extremely angry or frustrated or even out of control and that part of growing up is learning how to handle it.

When the drama got out of control and was particularly irrational sometimes I would crack up and start giggling which would cut the tension - this probably wouldn't work with all girls though. Or I'd say, "wait let me get the videocamera" which would make her laugh or get irritated. Usually she would stomp off to her room before I had to tell her to go there.

We had a breakthough moment recently as she is now 14 and mostly past that phase, although lack of sleep and PMS brings it back, but her 12 yo brother is entering it. I let his sassiness slide here and there because you really have to pick your battles and she said mom I can't believe you let him act that way toward you, and I explained that as a parent you can only engage in so many things - that sometimes you have to pick your battles or save it for the really big stuff. I reminded her that she too went through that phase and she chimed right up and said "well, I want to apologize, I am so sorry mom - I can't believe I did that to you." Blissful words to my ears! Now of course I didn't point out that she still has her moments - I just thanked her and said you will experience all of this some day if and when you become a parent.

My parenting mantra over the years has always been "this too shall pass."

I laugh in her face and tell her to suck it up (whatever "it" may be at the moment).

Anonymous wrote:
Do I think it's hormonal? I might suggest that sometimes I am just all full of FEELINGS and need some way to get them out or under control, and offer her some tips. I've also become a lot more conscious about narrating my own feelings. I find I act very much around her like I did when she was a toddler. Model good behavior, disengage where appropriate (and it's often appropriate), have firm boundaries but be compassionate when that frustrates her.

And then sometimes I'm just completely annoyed by her behavior and tell her to knock it off and tell her to go for a walk or to her room. I'm trying to keep those times in better control by suggesting we both go for a walk together. The moms who have older children have recommended that adult anger responses be moderated as much as possible because the children will use those as an excuse to ramp up. Much like toddlers.

PP, can you give some examples of narrating your own feelings and modeling good behavior? I think that's a great idea, not sure quite where to start.

Not so keen on last two responses, but think this is a great thread. Love DCUM for these kinds of insights. Thanks to everyone who has posted (not op but could've posted same inquiry a dozen times in recent months).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if DD is demanding you leave her room and yells "Get!" ?
And no, we don't use that turn of phrase that in our home.

Why am I in her room? Is this something that absolutely can't wait until later? We treat rooms as pretty personal spaces, any one of us can ask any other member of the family to remove themselves from our room and they must. Parents have more leeway when it's something that must be handled right now. I understand not every family shares that value, but I didn't have a place to myself when I was a teen and often it felt like I couldn't get away from the haranguing (from parents and siblings) even for a second.

Retreating to your room doesn't get you out of consequences for poor behavior or difficult discussions. Retreating for a time out until you're ready to resume the conversation is a reasonable and mature action.

As I am leaving her room, I would remind her to be polite, but if I've overstepped her attempt at setting boundaries by retreating to her room I understand anger in response.

What a flabby and ineffectual creature you are.

I am her parent when I'm in her bedroom just like in any other part of the house. If I choose to lecture her there, she's going to listen, and if I tell her to do something there, she's damn well going to do it.

Anonymous wrote:What if DD is demanding you leave her room and yells "Get!" ?
And no, we don't use that turn of phrase that in our home.

Why am I in her room? Is this something that absolutely can't wait until later? We treat rooms as pretty personal spaces, any one of us can ask any other member of the family to remove themselves from our room and they must. Parents have more leeway when it's something that must be handled right now. I understand not every family shares that value, but I didn't have a place to myself when I was a teen and often it felt like I couldn't get away from the haranguing (from parents and siblings) even for a second.

Retreating to your room doesn't get you out of consequences for poor behavior or difficult discussions. Retreating for a time out until you're ready to resume the conversation is a reasonable and mature action.

As I am leaving her room, I would remind her to be polite, but if I've overstepped her attempt at setting boundaries by retreating to her room I understand anger in response.

OP here; great feedback, thanks so much! I look forward to reading more if anyone is so inclined.

I took the door off the hinges one time and didn't even allow a curtain. It took 3 days of dressing in bathroom. Never a door slam again.

It is a PIA to put back on.

As far as eye rolling, talk back and blowing us off, she gets warned to go calm down and if it escalates the phone is taken away for 48hrs. If she does it around her friends, the same.

I find talking to her in the car or at the end of the night (when she rather talk to stall bedtime) is the best time they open up. I usually bring up more appropriate ways to handle things and apologize if I did anything rude or wrong too. She usually reciprocates and I feel like it keeps our communication open.

Our DD tried the door slamming "get out of my room!" screaming matches so our response was simple - we removed the door to her room and replaced it with a curtain on a spring tension rod until she showed that she could handle her frustration by removing herself from whatever the situation is and calming down. It took her about 2 weeks to understand that we respected her emotions but expected her to be a rational human being while expressing them. At that point we put her door back on its hinges.

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ask-the-doctor-1/12-year-old-daughter-constantly-fighting-with-mom

This was a very useful article someone had posted a few days earlier. I read it, applied it and it worked so well that I posted about how much I love Dr Markham in another thread.
Hope you find it useful.

What if DD is demanding you leave her room and yells "Get!" ?
And no, we don't use that turn of phrase that in our home.

Mom of a 12 year old boy here:

First, this is not a "girl" problem. It crosses both sexes.

I could not agree more with 14:34's response. It's perfect. A lot of patience and humor go a long way. If you find yourself getting angry and drawn into an argument, take a breath and step back. You do not have match every comment with a response. It's okay to stop talking.

As PP noted, these adolescents are "much like toddlers." That's why I found myself going back to using "1-2-3 Magic" where I respond with a simple "that's one" upon hearing a rude response. It's unemotional. And losing your phone if I get to 3 is a pretty powerful consequence.

Hang in there. Be creative, consistent and patient.

Not the OP but I like the walk together.

Anonymous wrote:Ypu know: attitude, sass, disrespect, that lovely stuff that comes with the age and the hormones.

Do you ignore it? Challenge it? Punish it? Threaten something?

How do you, personally, deal with this?

It depends on so much. Do I think it's because she's feeling overwhelmed or tired? Then I might kindly suggest she sounds overwhelmed, and ask if there's anything I can do to help.
Do I think she's just testing the waters? Then I'll remind her that people don't want to be around others who are ill-tempered and rude, and she can go be somewhere by herself until she's fit for human company.
Do I think it's hormonal? I might suggest that sometimes I am just all full of FEELINGS and need some way to get them out or under control, and offer her some tips. I've also become a lot more conscious about narrating my own feelings. I find I act very much around her like I did when she was a toddler. Model good behavior, disengage where appropriate (and it's often appropriate), have firm boundaries but be compassionate when that frustrates her.

And then sometimes I'm just completely annoyed by her behavior and tell her to knock it off and tell her to go for a walk or to her room. I'm trying to keep those times in better control by suggesting we both go for a walk together. The moms who have older children have recommended that adult anger responses be moderated as much as possible because the children will use those as an excuse to ramp up. Much like toddlers.

My child's usually expressing frustration or trying out sarcasm, she's rarely full-on mean or disrespectful. I'd probably do a whole lot more "go to your room" and "figure out how to make amends" if she were being mean or disrespectful regularly.

Ypu know: attitude, sass, disrespect, that lovely stuff that comes with the age and the hormones.

Do you ignore it? Challenge it? Punish it? Threaten something?

How do you, personally, deal with this?