Anonymous wrote:Is there another family member--BIL or SIL who you and your husband can bribe to keep MIL "entertained"?

Yes, arrange for a handler. This is a good plan.

Anonymous wrote:I'd invite her. Here's why:

1) 1st communion is a relatively participatory-free event. She's just going to sit in the church with everyone else, and take photos. Not a lot of opportunity for poor behavior.

2) You are taking the higher road. My rule is always err on the side of kindness unless there's the possibility of harm. I would say the possibility of harm is low here, so do it. It will also give you capital when you need to put your foot down for other events.

Agree. I can't imagine not inviting a grandparent who wants to be involved to a First Communion. I'm not religious but my ILs were and to them that stuff was a super big deal.

Is there another family member--BIL or SIL who you and your husband can bribe to keep MIL "entertained"?

Of course she's being passive aggressive - she has been invited to another child's but not her own grandchild's milestone! Include them. This is not a random Weds. night cookout- it's an important event for a family.

I'm not sure what she could possibly do to upstage your child at this. If she gets out of hand in some way, DH should be the one to gently say, "Mom, ease off a bit please. This is Charlie's day."

I'd invite her. Here's why:

1) 1st communion is a relatively participatory-free event. She's just going to sit in the church with everyone else, and take photos. Not a lot of opportunity for poor behavior.

2) You are taking the higher road. My rule is always err on the side of kindness unless there's the possibility of harm. I would say the possibility of harm is low here, so do it. It will also give you capital when you need to put your foot down for other events.

Invite them. It's the right thing to do.

move away from them.

OP here. It's First Communion.

DH has gone back and forth too, but I'll ask him tonight what he really wants to do about it. If he wants his parents there I'll go along with it, but have boundaries in place if they start to get out of line. It might help to have a schedule for the day in place to lessen the chance of MIL having free time to take over.

DH already handles all communication with them.

Anonymous wrote:If you don't like her, then only invite her to important rite of passage things like the Christening and leave her out of the dinner to celebrate good report cards.

Firm boundaries are your friend.

+1

I don't reward bad behavior.

If it is a big moment, like First Communion or similar, I would include her. If you don't, it could potentially create a rift that your relationship might not recover from. Is your DH on the same page? If the two of you discuss your expectations beforehand, it may be easier for you to stand firm if she tries to change things to her benefit. If its just her comments and behaviors, you can have a robot response for it, but those passive aggressive comments are the hardest to ignore (my mom is super passive aggressive and I just can't ignore all of the little digs) And if you are inviting other family members, I think you have to include her.

If its a small event, like a church play, I would only invite her if you want to continue to invite her to every event big or small. If you and your DH decided that you want some events to be smaller and just immediately family, don't invite.

If you don't like her, then only invite her to important rite of passage things like the Christening and leave her out of the dinner to celebrate good report cards.

Firm boundaries are your friend.

What is the occasion?

And with ILs like that, who will never be happy, do what you think is appropriate between you and DH, let DH handle communication, and let it go. They will either get with the program or not.

Unless outright abusive behavior is a given, I think all parents and in-laws should be invited to important and meaningful family events. I also think they should be invited well in advance, so plans can be made, etc. I know some family members can be difficult to deal with, but I think they should be included. In the long run, it usually helps solidify family relationships. Hope all goes well!

MIL is a very difficult person. She wants to be included in everything in a starring role. Nothing is never enough for her. Even if we spent all our free time with ILs it would not be enough involvement for her.

MIL said we obviously are focused on our own lives and don't care about creating memories with them and our DC together because we aren't sharing enough of our lives/time with them. She has since backtracked (though no apology) and is on good behavior because our son is about to go through a ceremony at our church.

Part of me feels like we should invite them because it is a big occasion, but I don't appreciate her guilting us and I know MIL will make a huge deal out of being there. She always needs attention.

She is attending the same ceremony for another child the weekend before at a different church and she has passive-aggressively mentioned it in passing: "Hmmm, don't know how we're going to fit in XYZ next weekend because of Larla's ceremony ..."