What kind of affection is your DH looking for? Have you been more affectionate in the past, and he misses that, or is he asking you to change the kind of person you are?

I kiss my DH good-bye in the morning and good night before we turn the lights off, but we don't hold hands, cuddle, or touch each other in bed, and never say "I love you," except maybe in birthday or anniversary cards. We're just not affectionate people; it would feel really insincere for me to try to fake that. But DH knew that I was that kind of person before he married me.

My DH thinks I am too affectionate!

I think you have to figure out what you both need and come to a happy medium. DH does not like PDAs - so I have to give him advance notice that I need a hug. He is happy to oblige then. (Actually I become quite a pest when he does not hug me so he has realized he might as well do it and get it over with!)

Apart from that - he is a super nice, amazingly smart, highly principled, extremely kindhearted man. And he makes me feel very happy (most of the times).

He does the same thing that the pp's DH does. If I am sitting on the sofa and reading, he will lie down on the other end and put his feet in my lap, as he reads his book. I keep stroking his legs. He really likes that.

My DH really appreciates the little things - sitting right next to him whenever there's the chance, holding hands, a kiss hello or good bye, locking arms while walking. These little things mean a lot to him, and if we're having a crazy week, don't get to spend much time together, these small gestures can make up for a lot.

Of course sex is also important but if the whole context of our interaction is more affectionate, then that piece of it comes more naturally.

We're not super verbal. Partner is a laconic guy. I'll be headed to bed in a few minutes and he'll throw his leg over mine. It makes me feel really safe.

Don't forget the back scratches. A good, unsolicited back scratch is good stuff!

Just be more physically loving toward him.

A loving touch here or there.
A stroke of the arm. A gentle hug.

Nothing too hard.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone learn to be more affectionate? How are you affectionate towards your husband/wife? My husband says that I am not that affectionate, and I'm trying to figure out how I can be or if I can be.

No need to over analyze it. He wants to be reassured you love him and are attracted to him. Once a day, without prompting, tell him you love him. Once a day, hug him or give him an unsolicited kiss and give him a compliment.

That's all. Try it, you will be amazed at the results.

When you're not attracted, you probably don't want to touch him because you're afraid it'll make him want to have sex. And, if you aren't having much sex, it will. So, not only is he sex deprived, he's also touch deprived.

I may be projecting on this response!

Anonymous wrote:Can someone learn to be more affectionate? How are you affectionate towards your husband/wife? My husband says that I am not that affectionate, and I'm trying to figure out how I can be or if I can be.

you may want to read the 5 love languages - your DH's language may be touch (showing affection is how he feels loved) and that may be different from what you need to feel loved. I've never gone for the hokey stuff before but reading it helps you understand your S/O or Spouse much better in how to give and receive affection.

I think you can change-- the more you do it, the more natural it will be for you. I used to be pretty affectionate, but after kids, I'm not anymore. I need to make an effort to go back to how I was.

Anonymous wrote:Can someone learn to be more affectionate? How are you affectionate towards your husband/wife? My husband says that I am not that affectionate, and I'm trying to figure out how I can be or if I can be.

Say "I love you" daily.
Kiss hello, goodbye, and goodnight.

We are not ones for PDA, however. I have an ex who hated that I wasn't more affectionate in public -- he seemed to think that if I wasn't affectionate in public, it was because I wasn't "claiming" him.

I'm curious, what does he do that is affectionate?

My DH doesn't like touching unless it's foreplay or sex. He doesn't show affection physically unless he's drunk.

When he's sober, he shows his affection by taking out the garbage, mowing the lawn etc. Not romantic, but that's how he shows it. I show it by making a home cooked meal almost every night.

We do say "I love you" daily and mean it.

There is a book (and website) called something like The Languages of Love. It is a bit cheesy but it makes an interesting point in that everyone expresses love in a certain "language" and that is usually how you would like to receive it too. For example for some people touch is love, and for another one it is words or quality time spent together or little gifts.
I found it very interesting and realized that my husband and I had different love languages. We adore each other but we were expressing that love in a way it didn't mean that much to the other. Somehow at the beginning of a relationship you just know what the other person needs but after a while you might revert to giving them what you want instead.
"Affectionate" for your husband might mean something very different that it means for you. Maybe it is hearing "I love you" often or maybe it is doing little things for him.

Touching him, like hand on his knee, arm, etc. Holding hands, giving kisses, giving him a neck massage, coming up behind him and hugging him, cuddling while on the couch watching TV, cuddling in bed, sharing looks between us, etc. A lot of the stuff we don't really think about and just do. Just start touching him more, rubbing his arm, holding hands, give him a kiss on the cheek. Whatever you are comfortable with

Can someone learn to be more affectionate? How are you affectionate towards your husband/wife? My husband says that I am not that affectionate, and I'm trying to figure out how I can be or if I can be.