OP, let them go.

Nothing matures a person faster than being in a position which requires greater maturity.

Trust them to manage.

My DCs have had to be the ones to insist they didn't want to go, and they would have had to mention that several times before I took it seriously.

- signed, mom w/two in college out-of-state (one a DS young HS grad at 17)

I spent a summer at engineering camp when I was a junior in HS. Our RA in the dorm said hi when we arrived and we barely saw him after. We ate in the dining hall - or got takeout if we missed dinner hours - walked to class - slept in dorms with roommates (except me because I was the only girl in the class) - did laundry - etc. It was a great experience to be on my own for 8 weeks taking class and lab 2-3 times a day, balancing homework and goofing off, etc. I would highly recommend it.

That is what you have been doing as a parent for the past 17 or 18 years - preparing them to launch and be independent, functional adults. Over the years they should have learned all the skills they need and taken on all the responsibilities of being an adult with you there to support them. You have to trust that the 17 years of teaching, leading, guiding, directing, redirecting, mentoring, responding, reinforcing, disciplining, and encouraging you have done has served its purpose - to let your young adult step out into adulthood and to manage the expectations and responsibilities of adulthood. Assuming they have taken on more and more responsibility over the years and been given more and more independence, they should by now be more than ready to step out on their own.

Obviously some kids have intellectual, developmental, physical or mental health needs that have slowed their progress through the years and they will need extra support.

Anonymous wrote:My daughter is not ready and that is fine. She is going to go to a local school and if it works for her, then transfer and go away to college. Going away to school and dealing with dorms and all the other craziness is not for every kid.

Why do you feel she's not ready?

I'm assuming the plan is for her to commute? Any concern going to through the college app process (again)/transferring may be too much of a disruption? concerns about loss of credits?

My daughter is not ready and that is fine. She is going to go to a local school and if it works for her, then transfer and go away to college. Going away to school and dealing with dorms and all the other craziness is not for every kid.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, I feel the same as you. Really not sure if he is ready and not sure if we should insist on a gap year. Really a crap shoot if he will do ok.

our first DS is going in fall. I don't think he is ready. Definitely our own fault. But his DD is 2 years behind and she is ready now and we treated them the same. Hunger will force him to eat, being social will force him to take showers and do clothes. I don't worry about that. It is the school work that I am worried about.

Have you considered having DS take just one CC course this summer?

I'm thinking about having mine take a cc course and work full-time just to get a handle on time management.

Anonymous wrote:I think we should stop the insanity of routinely sending away every kid. Throwing them into a pit of wild animals. Zero basic protection of any sort. No one cares if your kid disappears for a weekend, or a week.

Yeah, but at some point kids have to grow up. College is the perfect place to do just that. I see college as the transition from childhood to adulthood. Let them have their fun and make their mistakes in a somewhat controlled environment. Controlled meaning they'll be surrounded by like-minded adult children also trying to find their way to adulthood.

I think we should stop the insanity of routinely sending away every kid. Throwing them into a pit of wild animals. Zero basic protection of any sort. No one cares if your kid disappears for a weekend, or a week.

Anonymous wrote:Op, I feel the same as you. Really not sure if he is ready and not sure if we should insist on a gap year. Really a crap shoot if he will do ok.

our first DS is going in fall. I don't think he is ready. Definitely our own fault. But his DD is 2 years behind and she is ready now and we treated them the same. Hunger will force him to eat, being social will force him to take showers and do clothes. I don't worry about that. It is the school work that I am worried about.

Op, I feel the same as you. Really not sure if he is ready and not sure if we should insist on a gap year. Really a crap shoot if he will do ok.

Mine were/are ready. Both have done summer jobs and/or summer travel on their own that definitely helped develop a strong sense of independence.

I have both my children in good Scout troops. Troops where the kids plan and organize weekend camping and hiking trips -- they are in charge of everything from shopping to packing to planning, being able to handle first aid, build fires, cook the meals, clean up -- care about sanitation, etc. Being a part of these troops for several years has prepared them for taking responsibility for themselves, and others, and they have learned not to expect to be babied!

Most kids haven't been prepared to cope with the responsibilities and privileges of college. They get babied right up to HS graduation. Parents who think "their" kid will be fine, are in deep denial for the most part.

First off, how old is your DC? I ask this because I honestly couldn't have imagined my children handling college until about the middle of jr year of high school, when they seemed to have bursts in maturity. I have a 9th grader now, and I can't imagine her in college at all. From experience, though, I think a lot will change in the next couple of years and she may surprise us.

With this is mind, here's some suggestions: encourage your child to self-advocate. By this I mean that if DC has a problem with her teacher, her schedule, a coach, her guidance counselor, try to let her work it out on her own. Start thinking of your role as less manager and more consultant -- sit back and give advice and direction as needed, but let your child fight their own battles as much as possible. If your child is organizationally challenged (two of mine were) help her get very good at using an academic planner, using google calendar or Ical, setting up files on her computer to save work for easy reference later on.

Also, if you haven't done this so far, teach basic life skills like doing laundry, sewing a button, simple meal prep.

Another suggestion is to begin talking to your child more about colleges and college life in general. This can be as simple as asking about favorite subjects and what she thinks she might like to study in college, whether she likes the idea of being in a city or more rural setting, large vs small, etc. We did this with our kids and found they started to get excited about college and took more ownership of the process as a result.

Whether it's academically or in terms of maturity?

If you've BTDT, what did you do to ensure DC was college-ready? How did things turn out?

If you're there now, what advice would you offer? How are you coping with the idea?