Anonymous wrote:I don't get it. Your DH knows (with evidence) that his mom isn't big on carseats but doesn't see the issue? That's just odd.

FWIW, my mom, who is definitely feeling the affects of aging, is still more capable than your MIL sounds, but she does not feel comfortable driving DD around b/c of handling the carseat. She's okay driving my older niece and nephew b/c they are in boosters and capable of getting in and out of the car on their own. An 18 month old still needs help with that. If she can't even bend down to the floor, how will she get your DS in and out of the car?

Oh, I should add that bottom line is if you are legitimately uncomfortable, I wouldn't let her do this. If something goes wrong, even a genuine accident which can happen to anyone, you don't want the uncertainty. I felt this way about all safety-related baby gear. Yes, most people are capable of putting it together, and most people including me and DH are also capable of forgetting to tighten something or whatever. If anyone made a mistake, I wanted it to be one of us. Maybe irrational, but that's what we did. It's regret-management.

I don't get it. Your DH knows (with evidence) that his mom isn't big on carseats but doesn't see the issue? That's just odd.

FWIW, my mom, who is definitely feeling the affects of aging, is still more capable than your MIL sounds, but she does not feel comfortable driving DD around b/c of handling the carseat. She's okay driving my older niece and nephew b/c they are in boosters and capable of getting in and out of the car on their own. An 18 month old still needs help with that. If she can't even bend down to the floor, how will she get your DS in and out of the car?

NO to grandma driving.

You should have grandma come pick up your kid one day when you can BOTH observe her. Have her pretend that neither of you are there. A trial run, so to speak. If she doesn't buckle the kid in the seat, it's game over. Some of those are tricky for someone not used to it, so she might need help, but if she doesn't want to use the seat, then you have issues. It's against the LAW to not use a safety seat.

Have her drive from your house to the park or library. Or maybe go out to dinner. See how well she can handle things.

No way!

Plus your husband needs to pick the kids up his days rather than having his mother pick up his slack.

No. Way.

You have laid out clear examples that show MIL is unsafe. (the potential for an 18 year old running away in a parking lot sends chills down my back. My dd tried to do this when she was that age. She was so determined that she ended up dislocating her elbow because I wouldn't let go. We had to go to the ped to pop it back in. But I digress.)

What examples can your DH show that your friend is unsafe.

Safety trumps all.

Anonymous wrote:No way.

And DH really needs to learn that an emergency contact is for emergencies. I am back up when DH has to work late. It stinks, but it is not entirely under DH's control and we have adjusted accordingly.

This

No way.

And DH really needs to learn that an emergency contact is for emergencies. I am back up when DH has to work late. It stinks, but it is not entirely under DH's control and we have adjusted accordingly.

I am with you OP,have your friend do it.

My guess is that you are being hypertensive about the issue because you can't stand the woman to begin with. Instead of working with her you are against her and picking out every worse possible instance to tell us. She is still alive so her decision making can't be THAT BAD. She probably just wants to spend time with her grandchild instead of killing him. I would try it out for a week and see how it goes. If she screws up then if your husband is resonable he will see it and put the kibosh on it. Take a deep breath and let go, I'm pretty sure wouldn't kill your kid. She loves the grandchild more than her own son, I guarantee it.

I'm baffled. Your DH knows that his mother:

1. doesn't drive
2. doesn't believe in using carseats
3. is in the early stages of dementia
4. has limited mobility

and yet he insists on putting MIL on as the emergency contact?

Either the situation with MIL is not as you describe, or DH is in major, major, major denial.

How is FIL? Would he work as the emergency contact?

My father is a fantastic grandfather who looks after my kids. He doesn't have a clue when their birthdays are - he might be able to get the month and he vaguely knows how old they are so he could probably get the year. He also spells my DDs name wrong all the time - there are two spellings, he picks the wrong one! However he is cognitively fine - just more like an absent minded professor type. If your mom's memory issues are due to cognitive decline, that would worry me. If she is just not attuned to detalls like spelling and dates by nature that wouldn't.

Just have her over for a few hours where she is looking after DS. If she is as incompetent as you say, then your DH will continually have to intervene to save DS and keep him safe. Also her her driver your DH somewhere so he can see how terrible of a driver she is. After that you can have a conversation about how DH had to keep saving DS and how he was scared for his life while in her car etc...

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just had an argument over putting his mother as the Emergency pickup person for our preschool, and I need some perspective.

DH basically says there's no option but to put MIL. MIL has been campaigning for this ever since we got into preschool (and I suspect part of it is because DH wants the option to have her pick up on his days so that he can work late and not worry about it).

My take is that she's not a safe driver, and really not capable of caring for DS unsupervised (and certainly not in an emergency situation). I base this on:
- Before we had DS (first grandchild) she basically refused to drive anywhere except the grocery store a few blocks from her house on a residential road because driving was "too scary" and she "wasn't up for it." She probably hasn't driven on the Beltway in 10 years. Now that she has a grandkid she announces all these plans to me to "drive into the city to go to the Smithsonian" and "drive to the zoo" and this and that. He's still young and I haven't let her do that yet, mainly because it scares me that one minute she considered even driving herself to the dentist to be beyond her, and now she wants to take my kid and drive 45+min on roads much faster and more congested than she's used to.
- She's incredibly blasé about carseats, no matter how much I try to talk to her about it. I have zero confidence that if I installed the seat in her car and showed her how to position DS in it, tighten the straps, etc. that she'd get him in there right. She's made remarks like "I don't see why you have to do up the straps" and "why don't we just leave the chest clip undone so he can breathe a little?"
- She's increasingly forgetful. She can't, for example, spell DS's name correctly (it's 4 letters long, not made up or uncommon) or remember his birthday. I feel these would be relevant pieces of information in an emergency situation.
- She's increasingly physically weak. It's hell for her to get down on the floor to play with him, and she's bad on the stairs (at her house, she actually refuses to hold DS while going up/down stairs, but she insists she'd manage if she were on her own).

DS is 18months, and incredibly active, squirmy, always running around. He darts into the road, is always climbing things, and you need to be quick to catch him.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable, and that he should just have his Mom on call to do pickup and all sorts of other childcare. Neither he nor FIL seem to notice or accept her limitations. MIL herself is very cautious on her own, but suddenly says she's "up for anything" when DS is involved.

As for an alternative, I want to put a close friend of mine who is a SAHM and has a son the same age as our emergency pickup. Of course, DH is against this because he wants to "keep it in the family" and he wouldn't be anywhere near as comfortable calling her to have her pick DS up on his designated night if it wasn't an emergency (so he could work late, for example).

We're at a standstill. WWYD?

Heck no. Based on what you've described (I bolded the things that really stood out to me), I wouldn't have her be the emergency pick up person.

FWIW, my mom has the exact same limitations and we took her off the emergency pick up list when we realized that she wasn't going to be able to handle DD in an emergency or otherwise. It sucks because it would be great to be able to have my mom be a back up for DH and me in a pinch. But way too risky. My mom also has a very cavalier attitude about car seats and I think she's overwhelmed by the "techical" aspect of putting a kid in the straps.

PP here. Forgot to mention that the straw that broke the camel's back was when we realized that she had driven DD in her car with the car seat unsecured - someone (she claims she doesn't know who) unlatched the car seat. Had DH not done periodic checks on the car seat he wouldn't have known.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I just had an argument over putting his mother as the Emergency pickup person for our preschool, and I need some perspective.

DH basically says there's no option but to put MIL. MIL has been campaigning for this ever since we got into preschool (and I suspect part of it is because DH wants the option to have her pick up on his days so that he can work late and not worry about it).

My take is that she's not a safe driver, and really not capable of caring for DS unsupervised (and certainly not in an emergency situation). I base this on:
- Before we had DS (first grandchild) she basically refused to drive anywhere except the grocery store a few blocks from her house on a residential road because driving was "too scary" and she "wasn't up for it." She probably hasn't driven on the Beltway in 10 years. Now that she has a grandkid she announces all these plans to me to "drive into the city to go to the Smithsonian" and "drive to the zoo" and this and that. He's still young and I haven't let her do that yet, mainly because it scares me that one minute she considered even driving herself to the dentist to be beyond her, and now she wants to take my kid and drive 45+min on roads much faster and more congested than she's used to.
- She's incredibly blasé about carseats, no matter how much I try to talk to her about it. I have zero confidence that if I installed the seat in her car and showed her how to position DS in it, tighten the straps, etc. that she'd get him in there right. She's made remarks like "I don't see why you have to do up the straps" and "why don't we just leave the chest clip undone so he can breathe a little?"
- She's increasingly forgetful. She can't, for example, spell DS's name correctly (it's 4 letters long, not made up or uncommon) or remember his birthday. I feel these would be relevant pieces of information in an emergency situation.
- She's increasingly physically weak. It's hell for her to get down on the floor to play with him, and she's bad on the stairs (at her house, she actually refuses to hold DS while going up/down stairs, but she insists she'd manage if she were on her own).

DS is 18months, and incredibly active, squirmy, always running around. He darts into the road, is always climbing things, and you need to be quick to catch him.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable, and that he should just have his Mom on call to do pickup and all sorts of other childcare. Neither he nor FIL seem to notice or accept her limitations. MIL herself is very cautious on her own, but suddenly says she's "up for anything" when DS is involved.

As for an alternative, I want to put a close friend of mine who is a SAHM and has a son the same age as our emergency pickup. Of course, DH is against this because he wants to "keep it in the family" and he wouldn't be anywhere near as comfortable calling her to have her pick DS up on his designated night if it wasn't an emergency (so he could work late, for example).

We're at a standstill. WWYD?

Heck no. Based on what you've described (I bolded the things that really stood out to me), I wouldn't have her be the emergency pick up person.

FWIW, my mom has the exact same limitations and we took her off the emergency pick up list when we realized that she wasn't going to be able to handle DD in an emergency or otherwise. It sucks because it would be great to be able to have my mom be a back up for DH and me in a pinch. But way too risky. My mom also has a very cavalier attitude about car seats and I think she's overwhelmed by the "techical" aspect of putting a kid in the straps.

DH and I just had an argument over putting his mother as the Emergency pickup person for our preschool, and I need some perspective.

DH basically says there's no option but to put MIL. MIL has been campaigning for this ever since we got into preschool (and I suspect part of it is because DH wants the option to have her pick up on his days so that he can work late and not worry about it).

My take is that she's not a safe driver, and really not capable of caring for DS unsupervised (and certainly not in an emergency situation). I base this on:
- Before we had DS (first grandchild) she basically refused to drive anywhere except the grocery store a few blocks from her house on a residential road because driving was "too scary" and she "wasn't up for it." She probably hasn't driven on the Beltway in 10 years. Now that she has a grandkid she announces all these plans to me to "drive into the city to go to the Smithsonian" and "drive to the zoo" and this and that. He's still young and I haven't let her do that yet, mainly because it scares me that one minute she considered even driving herself to the dentist to be beyond her, and now she wants to take my kid and drive 45+min on roads much faster and more congested than she's used to.
- She's incredibly blasé about carseats, no matter how much I try to talk to her about it. I have zero confidence that if I installed the seat in her car and showed her how to position DS in it, tighten the straps, etc. that she'd get him in there right. She's made remarks like "I don't see why you have to do up the straps" and "why don't we just leave the chest clip undone so he can breathe a little?"
- She's increasingly forgetful. She can't, for example, spell DS's name correctly (it's 4 letters long, not made up or uncommon) or remember his birthday. I feel these would be relevant pieces of information in an emergency situation.
- She's increasingly physically weak. It's hell for her to get down on the floor to play with him, and she's bad on the stairs (at her house, she actually refuses to hold DS while going up/down stairs, but she insists she'd manage if she were on her own).

DS is 18months, and incredibly active, squirmy, always running around. He darts into the road, is always climbing things, and you need to be quick to catch him.

DH thinks I'm being unreasonable, and that he should just have his Mom on call to do pickup and all sorts of other childcare. Neither he nor FIL seem to notice or accept her limitations. MIL herself is very cautious on her own, but suddenly says she's "up for anything" when DS is involved.

As for an alternative, I want to put a close friend of mine who is a SAHM and has a son the same age as our emergency pickup. Of course, DH is against this because he wants to "keep it in the family" and he wouldn't be anywhere near as comfortable calling her to have her pick DS up on his designated night if it wasn't an emergency (so he could work late, for example).

We're at a standstill. WWYD?