Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who said it in the tooth fairy thread. I just wanted to convey that fact clearly to the OP. That doesn't mean you actually say it to the inlaws. You shape your response, actions and words, with today in mind.

My same question obtains: how does this approach work out? How is the message, however it's delivered, received?

This isn't an approach - it's an underlying belief about the dynamics at play which I don't personally think is a very helpful belief. Most grandparents are not acting the way they do because they want to relive their time as parents and maliciously take away your "turn" at parenting. They may be controlling, and they may have all sorts of pathologies, but few are out to "usurp" the parents.

I had some of these issues with my MIL and they bugged me - like she offered to give my son his first haircut, among many other behaviors. But now that I'm two years into parenting I see much more clearly that for all her boundary stomping, she just wants to be part of the family and close to my son, however many boundaries she may stomp in the process. I am obviously the parent, so I can be more generous and tolerant of her. Whenever she suggests something like the haircut I just say "no," but don't make a huge deal about it, because I know that in a week or two I could be calling her in desperate need of backup childcare if my nanny gets sick!

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who said it in the tooth fairy thread. I just wanted to convey that fact clearly to the OP. That doesn't mean you actually say it to the inlaws. You shape your response, actions and words, with today in mind.

My same question obtains: how does this approach work out? How is the message, however it's delivered, received?

Anonymous wrote:I'm the one who said it in the tooth fairy thread. I just wanted to convey that fact clearly to the OP. That doesn't mean you actually say it to the inlaws. You shape your response, actions and words, with today in mind.

*with THAT in mind.

I'm the one who said it in the tooth fairy thread. I just wanted to convey that fact clearly to the OP. That doesn't mean you actually say it to the inlaws. You shape your response, actions and words, with today in mind.

They don't look at it as a turn, but just that you are doing it erong, so this is not the appropriate way to get what you want.

Anonymous wrote:I've been on DCUM since the beginning and I have yet to see this recommendation.

The thread about the Tooth Fairy is the most recent instance.

I've been on DCUM since the beginning and I have yet to see this recommendation.

Anonymous wrote:I don't think you have to be mean when you say it, you just need to convey that it is your turn to feel all the love and excitement they felt doing things for and with you for the first time.

Careful what you say to your kids a million times that might haunt you. I haven't had to have the "my turn" discussion yet with my parents, but I have definately said "my house, my rules"

*definitely

How can you usurp the Easter Bunny. It's made up. It's so easy to tell the kids that the EB also visited Grandma's house too, but he does things differently there (leaves BETTER chocolate). You're making the rest of it up. Why not add a spin so that everyone gets to feel good.

I don't think you have to be mean when you say it, you just need to convey that it is your turn to feel all the love and excitement they felt doing things for and with you for the first time.

Careful what you say to your kids a million times that might haunt you. I haven't had to have the "my turn" discussion yet with my parents, but I have definately said "my house, my rules"

Wow. Be grateful that so many people love your children and want to do all this stuff with them!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it that would be a rude and needlessly hostile thing to say, so I imagine grandparents would react accordingly poorly. You don't have to be a jerk to draw boundaries.

Exactly. There are more diplomatic ways to say the same thing, such as "I still remember the awe and mystery I felt when you were doing this for me, and the gratitude I felt when I was old enough to know that you did that for me. I'm looking forward to sharing that same bond with DC."

Something like that.

And that works not at all with a mother in law -- particularly a mother in law who willfully ignores boundaries and pretends she didn't know there might even be boundaries.

Anonymous wrote:I think it that would be a rude and needlessly hostile thing to say, so I imagine grandparents would react accordingly poorly. You don't have to be a jerk to draw boundaries.

Exactly. There are more diplomatic ways to say the same thing, such as "I still remember the awe and mystery I felt when you were doing this for me, and the gratitude I felt when I was old enough to know that you did that for me. I'm looking forward to sharing that same bond with DC."

Something like that.

I think it that would be a rude and needlessly hostile thing to say, so I imagine grandparents would react accordingly poorly. You don't have to be a jerk to draw boundaries.

When grandparents try to usurp fun things like the Tooth Fairy or the Easter Bunny, many on DCUM advise advice-seekers to tell them "you had your turn to so these things; now it's our turn." I'm wondering how the grandparents respond to this as a way to resolve parenting turf battles?