I had an aunt like this when I was growing up.

I think an honest explanation is helpful...but don't give the situation any more weight that it deserves. With my aunt, I was there for fights, wondering how she could say things like that about my parents. My aunt was even allowed to give a gift to my sister and explain that I did not get one because I looked like my mom.

I never understood and never knew how to deal. She was trying to avoid us most of my life but my parents were always trying to get involved with her. And then she passes and we were expected to come running and mourn. It was very hard to process.

Be honest. Don't make it anymore concerning that it is. Protect your kid(s). Be consistent.

Anonymous wrote:Oh no, how sad. I would be truthful, too, but reassure her by saying that he knows how to take "basic" care of himself, even though he is not well, could probably use your help but prefers to live elsewhere.

Thanks. I will try that.

Anonymous wrote:Did she have a close relationship with him.

I am not sure why this is such an issue. Is it because it is your only brother.

I have multiple family members my kids don't know, don't see, don't ask about.

I just wouldn't talk about him. If she asks just say he doesn't keep in touch he has a mental illness. It is hard for him and he does not keep in touch but we wish him well.

I don't know any kids waiting or hoping for a relative they hardly know showing up.

I distanced myself and DD when it became evident that he was not going to get help.

I really like your explanation.

Did she have a close relationship with him.

I am not sure why this is such an issue. Is it because it is your only brother.

I have multiple family members my kids don't know, don't see, don't ask about.

I just wouldn't talk about him. If she asks just say he doesn't keep in touch he has a mental illness. It is hard for him and he does not keep in touch but we wish him well.

I don't know any kids waiting or hoping for a relative they hardly know showing up.

Oh no, how sad. I would be truthful, too, but reassure her by saying that he knows how to take "basic" care of himself, even though he is not well, could probably use your help but prefers to live elsewhere.

He's my brother.
No drugs. He was increasingly out of touch with reality. Paranoid, bipolar type mood swings, manic obsessions with people or topics, memory issues (lost time and remembered events differently from others), isolated himself from family and friends, started weird food & body care rituals, and could be heard arguing while alone in his room.

So he is a drug addict? What else do you mean by intervention?

OP here. Yes, they ignored clear signs for years beginning in mid-adolescence. They are also ashamed. So no intervention was made until his mid-30s.
Sadly, he left during the intervention (after a lot of emotional drama unfolded) and has not returned. Too little, too late.

is he your brother or your BIL?

9 years old is probably old enough to understand the truth- he was mentally ill and left home.

Grandparents are in denial. Wonder if they ignored the signs of mental illness as well, which only serves to compound the problem.

My IL threw their mentally ill son out on the street because he kept getting into trouble. To be fair, back then (30+ years ago), the general population didn't understand mental illness or how to treat it. Even in present times, people think it's the devil and prayer is the only solution

My almost 9 DD has begun asking difficult questions about her uncle who vanished 2 years ago.
--Why didn't we stop him from leaving?
--Will he ever come back?
--If he is hungry, sick, hurt, scared?

I am keeping the answers age appropriate, but truthful. My explanation doesn't match her grandparents' version which is sanitized of all reference to mental illness. As a result, she is confused.
Are there any books for children about adult mental illness and/or homelessness? I assume he is homeless and not dead since my family is working with the authorities.
Also, I do not want to get her hopes up. A young adult cousin (also mentally ill) disappeared when I was around DD's age and I was well into my teens myself when I accepted she was unlikely to ever return. It overshadowed a lot of happy times. I always thought she'd come back for Christmas, Thanksgiving, my birthday, etc.