Anonymous
04/09/2014 13:01
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Anonymous wrote:This could be my mom. She definitely has anxiety and insecurity, and won't go to therapy either. Keeping things from her is difficult because she is constantly asking questions to get all the details.
I'm now nervous because DH and I are taking a trip to Europe in the fall and my in laws (MIL, FIL, SIL/BIL) are going to meet us there for a few days of the trip. My mom is totally going to flip when she finds out.
Oops!
Anonymous
04/09/2014 12:57
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Anonymous wrote:I have a similar problem with my mother, and it makes me feel better to see that others deal with it too. In my case, my mother is not very "grandmotherly", not that into kids, gave only a very small (little toy) gift at our baby shower, misses his birthdays for things like tennis, when she's around him she doesn't interact except to pull up an app on her phone and give it to him to play with - all HER choices - and yet she is incredibly resentful of my MIL who is enamored with her grandchildren, spends tons of quality time with them, gives lovely and thoughtful gifts, and helps us out a LOT.
Unfortunately the resentment is channeled at me - apparently I'm a horrible person because my mother isn't close with my son. She thinks it's my fault he isn't close with her, and that it's because of me that he is so close with my MIL. WTF? It's actually a really painful scenario for me, and has really hurt my relationship with my mom. But I can't do anything about it. I try to never mention my in-laws around her, and to make my son available when she does make an effort, but that's all I can do. I'm not going to limit my son's time with his other grandmother so that my own mother can feel better about not having a great relationship with him. Meanwhile, I'm in therapy to work out how painful it is on my end to have lost what I thought was a decent relationship with my mother over this issue.
All of that to say .. it sucks, but I would definitely rather my mother be trying to match MIL's efforts than to blame her limited relationship with my son on me.I agree that this stems from insecurity and anxiety though.
Limit contact and info. Your mother will have less to be resentful about.
Anonymous
04/09/2014 12:53
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
I have a similar problem with my mother, and it makes me feel better to see that others deal with it too. In my case, my mother is not very "grandmotherly", not that into kids, gave only a very small (little toy) gift at our baby shower, misses his birthdays for things like tennis, when she's around him she doesn't interact except to pull up an app on her phone and give it to him to play with - all HER choices - and yet she is incredibly resentful of my MIL who is enamored with her grandchildren, spends tons of quality time with them, gives lovely and thoughtful gifts, and helps us out a LOT.
Unfortunately the resentment is channeled at me - apparently I'm a horrible person because my mother isn't close with my son. She thinks it's my fault he isn't close with her, and that it's because of me that he is so close with my MIL. WTF? It's actually a really painful scenario for me, and has really hurt my relationship with my mom. But I can't do anything about it. I try to never mention my in-laws around her, and to make my son available when she does make an effort, but that's all I can do. I'm not going to limit my son's time with his other grandmother so that my own mother can feel better about not having a great relationship with him. Meanwhile, I'm in therapy to work out how painful it is on my end to have lost what I thought was a decent relationship with my mother over this issue.
All of that to say .. it sucks, but I would definitely rather my mother be trying to match MIL's efforts than to blame her limited relationship with my son on me. I agree that this stems from insecurity and anxiety though.
Unfortunately the resentment is channeled at me - apparently I'm a horrible person because my mother isn't close with my son. She thinks it's my fault he isn't close with her, and that it's because of me that he is so close with my MIL. WTF? It's actually a really painful scenario for me, and has really hurt my relationship with my mom. But I can't do anything about it. I try to never mention my in-laws around her, and to make my son available when she does make an effort, but that's all I can do. I'm not going to limit my son's time with his other grandmother so that my own mother can feel better about not having a great relationship with him. Meanwhile, I'm in therapy to work out how painful it is on my end to have lost what I thought was a decent relationship with my mother over this issue.
All of that to say .. it sucks, but I would definitely rather my mother be trying to match MIL's efforts than to blame her limited relationship with my son on me.
I agree that this stems from insecurity and anxiety though.
Anonymous
04/09/2014 10:52
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Ugh! This is my mom - so anxious, insecure, and obsessed with what other people think. She actually counts how many days my in laws see us and informs me when the balance is off. I can't even lie about it because she talks to my MIL on the phone. I am an only child and she and my dad are black sheep who aren't close to their siblings, so they don't understand that we spend time with the ILs to also spend time with DH's sisters who he is close to.
My MIL is thinner, calmer, and generally "easier" than my own mom. She is also in better shape,more mobile, and less afraid of trying new things - so it is less annoying to do things with her. To pile on my ILs are also wealthier and give us a lot of things - so my mom tries to compete and gets mad when I say we can't have 2 of everything and that her time is more valuable. I'm sure it's passive aggressive, but I just ignore it, and if my mom pushes to hard I don't call or invite them a often until she backs off.
My MIL is thinner, calmer, and generally "easier" than my own mom. She is also in better shape,more mobile, and less afraid of trying new things - so it is less annoying to do things with her. To pile on my ILs are also wealthier and give us a lot of things - so my mom tries to compete and gets mad when I say we can't have 2 of everything and that her time is more valuable. I'm sure it's passive aggressive, but I just ignore it, and if my mom pushes to hard I don't call or invite them a often until she backs off.
Anonymous
04/09/2014 10:41
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Limit contact and info, exactly like PP said.
My mother is so unreasonable, she threw a fit because one time we dared to stay with my ILs for a couple of days instead of coming to stay with her for our whole vacation, like we had done before... talk about unfair to my MIL (a lovely person, thank goodness).
I don't FB anymore, and when I did, my mother was not allowed to friend me. I never share anything about my ILs or friends. When asked why, I tell her the truth - that it usually sends her into a tizzy of anxiety and jealousy, and I can't deal with her subsequent harangues and neediness.
My mother is so unreasonable, she threw a fit because one time we dared to stay with my ILs for a couple of days instead of coming to stay with her for our whole vacation, like we had done before... talk about unfair to my MIL (a lovely person, thank goodness).
I don't FB anymore, and when I did, my mother was not allowed to friend me. I never share anything about my ILs or friends. When asked why, I tell her the truth - that it usually sends her into a tizzy of anxiety and jealousy, and I can't deal with her subsequent harangues and neediness.
Anonymous
04/09/2014 10:27
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
My MIL does this with my parents (who, incidentally, couldn't care less) and I too recommend telling MIL as little as possible. For example, our family goes to the beach for a week every summer; now MIL is advocating for their family to go to a vacation a week every summer. She tries also to "buy" DD's love by sending massive amounts of clothes and stuff, but we just sort of see it as ridiculous, and I divvy out the things slowly so that DD does not get a huge hunk of things at one time. It's sad that I don't really feel I can share as much as I normally would with her, but that's just how she is, I've come to realize, after about 10.5 years of marriage!
Anonymous
04/09/2014 09:44
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
This could be my mom. She definitely has anxiety and insecurity, and won't go to therapy either. Keeping things from her is difficult because she is constantly asking questions to get all the details.
I'm now nervous because DH and I are taking a trip to Europe in the fall and my in laws (MIL, FIL, SIL/BIL) are going to meet us there for a few days of the trip. My mom is totally going to flip when she finds out.
I'm now nervous because DH and I are taking a trip to Europe in the fall and my in laws (MIL, FIL, SIL/BIL) are going to meet us there for a few days of the trip. My mom is totally going to flip when she finds out.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 13:56
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
What happens when you bring this up to her directly?
Anonymous
04/08/2014 13:49
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Limit contact and info.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 13:48
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Anonymous wrote:OP, my MIL does this - agree with PP about stemming from insecurity. She openly campaigns to be my toddler's "best friend" and tells her "nobody loves you as much as me except your mommy and daddy." My parents got her one of those Fisher Price dollhouses for Christmas, MIL had to go out and get her a bigger one. It's really, really annoying but I try to remember how insecure she is and make her feel good about herself and her role in the baby's life, without totally playing into her ridiculousness. It's a delicate balance. Sometimes when she's being particularly ridiculous I call her out on it.
Fortunately for me, my parents live very far away so we try to minimize contact between all of them as much as possible. MIL also feels like she "wins" b/c she sees DD more frequently. My big thing is to give her as little info about the other grandparents as possible in order to minimize the things that she can compete about.
OP here. Very good idea. My mom is always asking about them, especially after they visit. She wants to know all the details for whatever reason.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 13:28
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
OP, my MIL does this - agree with PP about stemming from insecurity. She openly campaigns to be my toddler's "best friend" and tells her "nobody loves you as much as me except your mommy and daddy." My parents got her one of those Fisher Price dollhouses for Christmas, MIL had to go out and get her a bigger one. It's really, really annoying but I try to remember how insecure she is and make her feel good about herself and her role in the baby's life, without totally playing into her ridiculousness. It's a delicate balance. Sometimes when she's being particularly ridiculous I call her out on it.
Fortunately for me, my parents live very far away so we try to minimize contact between all of them as much as possible. MIL also feels like she "wins" b/c she sees DD more frequently. My big thing is to give her as little info about the other grandparents as possible in order to minimize the things that she can compete about.
Fortunately for me, my parents live very far away so we try to minimize contact between all of them as much as possible. MIL also feels like she "wins" b/c she sees DD more frequently. My big thing is to give her as little info about the other grandparents as possible in order to minimize the things that she can compete about.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 11:24
Subject: Re:my mother competes with my in-laws
NP here. My mom sounds similar to yours OP and it stems from anxiety and insecurity.
When I was getting married, my mom was obsessed with what my in laws were wearing to the wedding, what they were giving us for the shower/wedding, how many people were invited on their side because she wanted to make sure they had the same number if not more, etc. When I got pregnant, it was what MIL was giving me for my shower, what other stuff she was giving me, what she gives DS for bday/christmas, etc. Every time my mom did something that she perceived was better than my in-laws, she would always point it out. She'd point out stupid things like their grammar because she was a teacher so would always point out ways in which they appeared "dumb".
It's exhausting and she also guilt trips me about it. No suggestions OP as my mom won't do therapy either, but I feel for you. It makes holidays and events very stressful.
When I was getting married, my mom was obsessed with what my in laws were wearing to the wedding, what they were giving us for the shower/wedding, how many people were invited on their side because she wanted to make sure they had the same number if not more, etc. When I got pregnant, it was what MIL was giving me for my shower, what other stuff she was giving me, what she gives DS for bday/christmas, etc. Every time my mom did something that she perceived was better than my in-laws, she would always point it out. She'd point out stupid things like their grammar because she was a teacher so would always point out ways in which they appeared "dumb".
It's exhausting and she also guilt trips me about it. No suggestions OP as my mom won't do therapy either, but I feel for you. It makes holidays and events very stressful.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 11:15
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Anonymous wrote:Your mother needs some therapy. Tell her she needs to stop competing. Her competition doesn't show that she loves GS, it just shows she's going through the motions to look like the better grandma.
OP here. I know. My siblings and I have told her to get help but she won't. She has anxiety issues and I wonder if this behavior is just a manifestation of her anxiety. It's dawned on my only recently that she and my father, to an extent, don't know how to behave like normal adults. They can't discuss anything without flying off the handle and starting an argument. They're quite stressful to be around.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 11:10
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
Your mother needs some therapy. Tell her she needs to stop competing. Her competition doesn't show that she loves GS, it just shows she's going through the motions to look like the better grandma.
Anonymous
04/08/2014 11:08
Subject: my mother competes with my in-laws
It's starting to get ridiculous. She takes note of everything they get to do with DS or give DS and tries to match it. Having grown up with her, she likes to keep score and feels shafted if she doesn't get her share of something. Last week she saw a picture DH had taken of DS and his other grandparents sitting on a couch. So while she was over, she insisted I take a photo of her and my father sitting with DS. And I think it is tied to the photo she had seen because she had remarked earlier in the day what a lovely photo it was and how she didn't have a photo like that of her, my father and DS. She did the same kind of thing when she saw a photo of DS and my MIL when he was about a month old. FIL had taken a really nice photo of MIL holding DS, and when my mom saw the photo, same thing-- "I should have a photo of me and him like that too!" She became obsessed with the photo and kept commenting on how nice it was. Sounded a little passive aggressive to me.
The list goes on. DH's family got to see DS twice in the past month but she and my father didn't (due to the fact that they we had other commitments and our schedules just happened to work out with DH's family). She called me out on it saying that she wants DS to know her and my father as well as he knows DH's family (um, DS is only a baby and still getting to know his parents. yikes!). DH's family is Irish and they gave him some Irish items. My mother is now in the process of rounding up baby items from her culture in response.
I wish she'd stop it already but again, maybe this is just how she's always going to be? Just roll my eyes and go with it?
The list goes on. DH's family got to see DS twice in the past month but she and my father didn't (due to the fact that they we had other commitments and our schedules just happened to work out with DH's family). She called me out on it saying that she wants DS to know her and my father as well as he knows DH's family (um, DS is only a baby and still getting to know his parents. yikes!). DH's family is Irish and they gave him some Irish items. My mother is now in the process of rounding up baby items from her culture in response.
I wish she'd stop it already but again, maybe this is just how she's always going to be? Just roll my eyes and go with it?