Your FIL never "swatted" you so you're not petrified of him. So say "Sorry, but after learning you're not willing to use our discipline techniques in lieu of spanking, we won't be able to send Aiden to stay with you. You are of course welcome to visit with him here, as always."

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

All the more reason to say NO.

I am a pretty laid back parent and there are many areas where I let the grandparents make decisions when they are watching the kids - amount of TV, sweets, bedtime, etc. However I will not compromise in areas of physical and emotional safety. To me spanking is firmly in the non-negotiable category. If you can't promise not to spank my kid, then you don't get to watch them, full stop.

Just be polite but firm that this is a deal breaker. And while I'm normally in the camp that each parent deals with their own side of the family, I think in a case like this it might be easier for you to be the one communicating this, since it may be easier for you to stay firm by unemotional since you don't have emotional baggage from childhood with this person.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

I think you should say something like "Aiden is very excited to spend time with his Grandpa and we are excited for him to spend time with you but there is one small point I want to clarify before the weekend gets underway. We want to confirm that you understand that we don't swat Aiden for any reason and that you will agree to manage his behavior with timeouts." If he says he can't comply then don't send him but give him a chance to understand that this is a real issue for you. People soften up as they get older and if he's anything like my FIL, who spanked his kids, he wouldn't even consider raising a hand to his grandson.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

You'd send your kid to his grandparents' when your DH is 'petrified' of his own dad? There's your answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't send him.

+1.

+2 Try to talk to your husband about it. He really should be the one to deal with this situation. But if he just can't, and I were you, I'd do it. I would not send my son.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

So YOU tell them no.

I have no problem with this. I just wanted to pressure test my reasoning first, as I am not a huge fan of FIL's. Wanted to make sure there was a valid reason.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

So YOU tell them no.

Anonymous wrote:"I'm also just not comfortable sending our son into a situation like that."

Don't send him where he will get swatted. Problem solved.

+1 to this also.

Anonymous wrote:OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

This makes the case for not sending him even stronger.

Anonymous wrote:Don't send him.

+1.

OP here -- husband agrees with me BUT is petrified of his dad (probably because of the "swattings" from when he was a kid!). So is unable to comprehend saying "no" to his dad.

Don't send him.

"I'm also just not comfortable sending our son into a situation like that."

Don't send him where he will get swatted. Problem solved.

What does your DH say about the situation?

FIL and his wife want our preschooler to come spend a weekend with them. Great, no problem, kid loves them. I was talking to FIL and telling him a little about our son and how he may need to do some timeouts if son gets a little nuts. FIL says "oh, I'll just give him a little swat, that always makes them pay attention!". I said no, that's not ok, we don't hit our son or use spanking as a punishment. FIL says "my house, my rules!". I got off the phone quickly. I'm inclined to not send my son now. I don't want to retaliate with "my kid, my rules", as that sounds kind of petty (even if it's what we mean) but I'm also just not comfortable sending our son into a situation like that.

What am I missing here? Is there any reason to not pull the plug?