What happens if you guys just don't accommodate these people? Like, just start ordering or eating at the time you were supposed to meet for dinner?

We have friends that are constantly late and we always tell them to be there an hour earlier than we really need them. They still usually show up 15 minutes late past the time we actually wanted them.

We have a branch on my side of the family that is chronically late. I'm in my mid-30s and I have ever known them to be on time to anything (even their own father/husband's funeral). This year my branch of the family took bets on when they would show up to Christmas dinner, $5 bucks entry fee. I won the pool with a guess of 1 hour and 45 minutes late.

Tell them 45 minutes earlier than you need to leave. We do that to my dad all the time.

Anonymous wrote:My ILs are totally unable to get anyplace ontime. I'm not talking 5-10 minutes. I am talking 30 minutes to even 1 hour for things ranging from dinner at our house, dinner in a restaurant or even babysitting for us. MIL is generally clueless so always underestimates how long it takes to get herself together and get someplace. Or she decides to walk to our house instead of drive....which obviously takes longer!! We've cancelled dinner reservations because she has shown up 30 minutes late for babysitting. SIL is a bit narcassistic (younger sister of DH) so she cancels all the time or will text and say she is running an hour late. It's not like I am a stickler for being ontime but with a 3 year old and a baby, things need to happen by a certain time or else I have to deal with the meltdown. I.e., we agree to meet at a restaurant at 6pm. The kids and I are there at 6pm....everyone else decides to roll in at 6:30...hello??? Kids are starving by then! Or, showing up 30-45 min late for dinner means kids are hungry, pushes back bedtime because of course they want to keep the kids up to play, etc. Again, we can be somewhat flexible for special events, but not simply because people can't get their sh*t together to be someplace when they say they will!!

Of course, DH also exhibits the same qualities, so I know the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I sound like a broken record nagging about being on time or even telling me that he will be late. I don't even say anything anymore.

Now, when MIL has us over for dinner, I simply refuse to be on time on principle. DH usually leaves from work and I leave from home. I wait for DH to show up and then I leave the house. Yes this is petty, but I get a little satisfaction from it.

But this is going to turn into an "actions speak louder than words" scenario for you and will backfire. Next time you gripe that she wasn't on time, she can legitimately throw it back at you that neither are you, and if being on time is so important, you should be too. You'll have nothing. As painful as it is, you gotta walk the walk on this one.

1213 here. 1208, you and I can be friends. This is precisely what I try to do. I take it Grandma has shaped up, right?

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I'm a bitch about stuff like that. I'll wait 15 minutes and if I haven't heard from you I just go on with my life. And I never EVER count on people to babysit if they're always late.

Grandma: Why haven't you asked me to babysit all month? I miss Larla.
Me: Oh! Because you're always late and we lose our reservation and don't get to see the movie. So it just wasn't working out. But tomorrow we'll be at the park from 2-4 if you want to meet us there.

And then I would go to the park from 2-4, and if she showed up at 3:55 right as we were packing up I'd say "I'm so glad we got to visit with you for a few minutes, but we're expected somewhere and need to leave now. Love you, bye!" If she is all wait wait, I only got two minutes I'd smile sadly and say "I know, I wish we had more time together too, but we only had from 2-4 here today, and we're expected somewhere else and can't be late. Sorry, bye!" AND THEN WE KEEP WALKING.

As I said, I am a bitch. But you teach people how to treat you. If it's a one time thing, or only ten minutes, that's fine. But not when I'm depending on you so I can arrive somewhere else, not when it's a half hour or more each time, not when it's on a regular basis, not when the only reason is that you simply haven't managed to get your shit together.

This right here. No more babysitting. Definitely start without them. Blame the kids' schedules if you need to, but just move along. That is the way to handle the ILs.

Save your energy to fight a bigger battle with DH. You might need to use some of the same tactics on him.

My DH (and some of his family) is like this. I was raised to be 15 minutes early for everything. I consider it highly disrespectful to be late like this. I told him if he showed up late to our wedding I wouldn't marry him! He was 90 minutes early. Of course, his brothers, who were in the wedding, were 30 minutes late! I literally had two lifetime friends of mine in the bride's room to give them the brothers' roles when the boys finally showed up. My brother was ready to throddle them!

DH has no idea how long anything takes and tries to squeeze in whatever he can before he has to be somewhere. For the wedding, the bros went to get breakfast! I have learned to walk DH through the logisitics of some things (like when we are traveling) so he understands how long the steps will really take. I long ago started telling him that events are XX minutes earlier than they really are if those commitments are important to me. If it is for dinner or something where I can start without him, I will start without him, including feeding the kids. He hates it. Therefore, he has learned to be more on time. I no longer will plan any events with his brother because he showed up 5 hours late to my daughters 1st birthday and ruined everyone's day because my MIL was pacing around sure something had happened to them instead of focussing on my family. I so feel your frustration. I appear to be a bitch to the family, but I am no longer frustrated.

As for you, OP, stop having MIL babysit. Tell you are cutting her off from events she needs to be timely at until she can be on time. She may then realize it matters to you.

OH OP I hear you. One of DH's old friends is chronically late and doesn't give a flying fuck that he inconveniences anyone. When DH called him out on it after a time where he seriously inconvenienced us and our toddler's bed time and his "friend" said that he was only worried about what he had to get done and not about things that don't impact him (i.e. a grumpy, over tired toddler). Needless to say, DH doesn't make plans with him anymore

Oh, I'm a bitch about stuff like that. I'll wait 15 minutes and if I haven't heard from you I just go on with my life. And I never EVER count on people to babysit if they're always late.

Grandma: Why haven't you asked me to babysit all month? I miss Larla.
Me: Oh! Because you're always late and we lose our reservation and don't get to see the movie. So it just wasn't working out. But tomorrow we'll be at the park from 2-4 if you want to meet us there.

And then I would go to the park from 2-4, and if she showed up at 3:55 right as we were packing up I'd say "I'm so glad we got to visit with you for a few minutes, but we're expected somewhere and need to leave now. Love you, bye!" If she is all wait wait, I only got two minutes I'd smile sadly and say "I know, I wish we had more time together too, but we only had from 2-4 here today, and we're expected somewhere else and can't be late. Sorry, bye!" AND THEN WE KEEP WALKING.

As I said, I am a bitch. But you teach people how to treat you. If it's a one time thing, or only ten minutes, that's fine. But not when I'm depending on you so I can arrive somewhere else, not when it's a half hour or more each time, not when it's on a regular basis, not when the only reason is that you simply haven't managed to get your shit together.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Oh and I feel you OP. Our friend was once an hour late for lunch. We had DS with us and DH had told friend in advance, "wife and DS are going to cut out after eating so she can get DS home in time for a nap and then will meet up with us after DS wakes up." So friend knew we had a time schedule built into our plans. We told friend to be there 30 min before we had actually planned on eating (so technically he was an hour and a half late). When he showed up he really did not understand why DH was eating an appetizer and why I was already eating my lunch. He was actually a bit offended by it!

Seriously!! When SIL texted DH to say she was running AN HOUR LATE (about 30 minutes before she was going to be here) and DH said it probably wasn't a good time to come/can we reschedule (coming an hour late would have pushed dinner back as she wasn't staying for dinner)...she actually texted back that she was "disappointed." ?!?!?! It's pretty amazing that people can make it seem like calling them out on THEIR lateness is somehow RUDE on our part.

Ha yup. It had happened with another friend when I was pregnant and they were an hour late and I was hungry, hormonal, and at 36 weeks. When they showed up and offered a half hearted apology but also dismay that I had a plate in front of me with the remnants of dinner left on it, I burst into tears and said they only cared about themselves and no one else. I must have made them feel guilty enough because now she is no more than 10 min late to anything!

There are laters and waiters. You are a waiter and so am I. I haven't found a way to get the laters to get there earlier. Sorry.

Anonymous wrote:PP here. Oh and I feel you OP. Our friend was once an hour late for lunch. We had DS with us and DH had told friend in advance, "wife and DS are going to cut out after eating so she can get DS home in time for a nap and then will meet up with us after DS wakes up." So friend knew we had a time schedule built into our plans. We told friend to be there 30 min before we had actually planned on eating (so technically he was an hour and a half late). When he showed up he really did not understand why DH was eating an appetizer and why I was already eating my lunch. He was actually a bit offended by it!

Seriously!! When SIL texted DH to say she was running AN HOUR LATE (about 30 minutes before she was going to be here) and DH said it probably wasn't a good time to come/can we reschedule (coming an hour late would have pushed dinner back as she wasn't staying for dinner)...she actually texted back that she was "disappointed." ?!?!?! It's pretty amazing that people can make it seem like calling them out on THEIR lateness is somehow RUDE on our part.

PP here. Oh and I feel you OP. Our friend was once an hour late for lunch. We had DS with us and DH had told friend in advance, "wife and DS are going to cut out after eating so she can get DS home in time for a nap and then will meet up with us after DS wakes up." So friend knew we had a time schedule built into our plans. We told friend to be there 30 min before we had actually planned on eating (so technically he was an hour and a half late). When he showed up he really did not understand why DH was eating an appetizer and why I was already eating my lunch. He was actually a bit offended by it!

Lie about the start time. Dinner is at 6? Tell them 5:30. We have some friends who are chronically late and we just started lying to them about when something starts. Has worked like a charm.

My ILs are totally unable to get anyplace ontime. I'm not talking 5-10 minutes. I am talking 30 minutes to even 1 hour for things ranging from dinner at our house, dinner in a restaurant or even babysitting for us. MIL is generally clueless so always underestimates how long it takes to get herself together and get someplace. Or she decides to walk to our house instead of drive....which obviously takes longer!! We've cancelled dinner reservations because she has shown up 30 minutes late for babysitting. SIL is a bit narcassistic (younger sister of DH) so she cancels all the time or will text and say she is running an hour late. It's not like I am a stickler for being ontime but with a 3 year old and a baby, things need to happen by a certain time or else I have to deal with the meltdown. I.e., we agree to meet at a restaurant at 6pm. The kids and I are there at 6pm....everyone else decides to roll in at 6:30...hello??? Kids are starving by then! Or, showing up 30-45 min late for dinner means kids are hungry, pushes back bedtime because of course they want to keep the kids up to play, etc. Again, we can be somewhat flexible for special events, but not simply because people can't get their sh*t together to be someplace when they say they will!!

Of course, DH also exhibits the same qualities, so I know the apple didn't fall far from the tree. I sound like a broken record nagging about being on time or even telling me that he will be late. I don't even say anything anymore.

Now, when MIL has us over for dinner, I simply refuse to be on time on principle. DH usually leaves from work and I leave from home. I wait for DH to show up and then I leave the house. Yes this is petty, but I get a little satisfaction from it.