I'm not big into grounding. I'd rather give a more specific consequence, like if X happens you take Y away. The problem with a gernal term like "grounding" is that you don't know what it means and neither does your kid. So based on what your kid did, I would give an appropriate consequence. But I would stay away from something as nebulous as "grounding". Take away their phone, car, no friends over, computer- whatever punishment you think fits the crime. But above all- talk to your kid about it.

Anonymous wrote:Grounding is no longer an effective punishment, OP. It used to be effective in the 1950's when being able to leave the house was the only way a teenager could connect with his friends. But kids are on their phones and their computers constantly. They stay in their rooms and connect with their friends for hours.

If you want to punish him, take away his phone for the day.

Huh? Grounding works very well. Why would you think grounding didn't include the electronic ban, and don't be sure all kids are addicted to their phones.

Varies based on infraction, and my kid is pretty good.

Basically -

1. waste my time, and you pay it back in chores.

2. school work related (which generally means lying or not being organized and letting things slip with our kid) - no friends, no internet for anything but school, no tv (ban on all of us is the only way to make it work so it sucks), and more oversight. We do not make him cancel obligations where other people are counting on him, or if some other family spent money.

3. What would I do for drinking, drugs, stealing, big trouble? I have no idea.

In our house grounding means you're allowed outside to fulfill your obligations (school, paid after-school activities, jobs), but not allowed out for any fun and can't "bring the party home" by having any friends over.

We do not believe that one person should control the fun of the family, so if as a family we are all going out to dinner, the grounded child can come.

P.S. We do try to make the punishment fit the crime. If using their phone to make fun of someone, phone is taken away (and forced to write essay on how cruel it is to make others feel badly by making fun of them).

My son isn't 15 yet (12) but I make him write an essay on what he did wrong, why I think it's wrong (because I've told him why, but this helps crystallize why we might be thinking of the issue differently), what he thinks about it, and what he can do to make it better. It makes him think it through, and we usually have a very good conversation about it.

Then the punishment is as related to the infraction as I can make it. I can't think of something that would include a blanket grounding. If it was car related, no driving with friends or alone. Drinking or drugs? that might be close to grounding, but would mostly mean seriously ramped up supervision. Lying about where he was? Same.

We've had many discussions that as he shows increasing responsibility, he gets increasing privileges and independence. But if he messes up, the independence gets wound back to what he had at a younger age, depending on what he did. This seems to be working well, but he is only 12 (13 in September).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

Exactly! Some parents try to console themselves with the belief that ALL kids are constantly wreaking havoc and that their turmoil-filled parent/child relationships are somewhat normal.

LOTS of kids go without serious trouble. I did it, and so did my DC.

I believe a lot of the chaos in parent/child relationships are caused by OVERBEARING PARENTS. If you let your kid be the person he was born to become and not try to force him into any preconceived ideas, you will find parenting much easier.

Anonymous wrote:I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I went 18 years without needing real punishments. I was so busy doing my activities I never had a chance to get in trouble.

To me it is like sending your kid back to the 1950s -- all electronics removed from room and that is where he does his time.

I think it is odd you have a child that went 10 years without getting in trouble. I think if you go overboard you will raise somebody afraid of making mistakes.

I think it needs to depend on your kid. What does he most care about?
Of course I'm curious what he did. And why.

I have levels of grounding and only once had to do the highest level.

No rights ... All privileges taken away.

Breakfast, lunch and dinner. To school and home.

Books and homework only. Nothing else. Not even snacks.

No screens is our go- to punishment.

There's no phone, computer, video games. There are chores, reading, and watching movies with the whole family. No sports or hanging out with friends after school.

Grounding is no longer an effective punishment, OP. It used to be effective in the 1950's when being able to leave the house was the only way a teenager could connect with his friends. But kids are on their phones and their computers constantly. They stay in their rooms and connect with their friends for hours.

If you want to punish him, take away his phone for the day.

My 15 year got into trouble for pretty much the first time since Kindergarten. I think the last time I needed to "punish" him I put him in time out on the living room couch for 5 minutes since he was 5 years old. But this offense warrants something a little more than 15 minutes on the couch.

So, I'm curious what "grounding" looks like in your house. What specifically do you disallow or take away? If you're out of the house for part of the time, how do you enforce it? How does it end (e.g. you're grounded for 2 weeks, or you're grounded until you . . . )?

Thanks!