Anonymous wrote:I'm going to side,with OP. I'd be pretty annoyed if my inlaws befriended one if my friends. I've met lots of very nice people thru cousins, family in general. People I have connected with, etc, but out of respect wouldn't befriend. I am however not lacking in friendships. I suppose part of it is, I share private things with friends. Stuff I don't want family to know about. If suddenly family apmember and friend were cozying up, I'd be worried if some of my personal info was being publicized. Anyway I get it. It's annoying. But now that it's done, I think it's safe to say she's not your friend and isn't interested in being so. Move on.

You don't have very good friends if you are worried about them spilling your secrets to other people.

How old are you, seven? You don't own people. You don't get to dictate who they make friends with.

I'm going to side,with OP. I'd be pretty annoyed if my inlaws befriended one if my friends. I've met lots of very nice people thru cousins, family in general. People I have connected with, etc, but out of respect wouldn't befriend. I am however not lacking in friendships. I suppose part of it is, I share private things with friends. Stuff I don't want family to know about. If suddenly family apmember and friend were cozying up, I'd be worried if some of my personal info was being publicized. Anyway I get it. It's annoying. But now that it's done, I think it's safe to say she's not your friend and isn't interested in being so. Move on.

My goodness, OP, you sound so incredibly immature.

If these two people met and fit better than with you, get over it because you can't blame them. Friendship is not a monogamous relationship! Finding and keeping friends is hard work.

Friendships aren't exclusive like romantic relationships so it's not possible to "steal" a friend. If you & your friend aren't close anymore, that's not because your SIL has replaced you - it's because you & your friend aren't close anymore. It happens. If your friend wanted to still be close, she could very easily be friends with you both.

So I have a younger sister like this. When we were in elementary school, she made a point of cozying up to my friends who were two years older. Not with anyone else two classes ahead, though it was a small town where everyone knew everyone else and that wouldn't be strange. After this happened a couple of times and she and one of my friends inexplicably followed behind me on the way home shouting jaunts and jibes, i complained to my mother about her stealing my friends. Obviously, the friendship with said friend petered out immediately, and then my sister was no longer interested. Very weird. I have noted that as we were older if I introduced her to a friend, she would immediately invite them to dinner (without me). Nothing much came of it because I think she figured out pretty quickly the fish weren't biting. I have met people through her whom I think I'd like to be friendly with but have held back because I wouldn't want to do to her what she has done to me. After all these years. Pretty silly when I think of it--we've reached an age where none of this should matter.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I know I have to get over how I feel! I just don't know how to think differently about both of them. I think the problem is that if they both invited me, it is not an issue but my SIL or my friend never bothered to, never cared about how it would make me feel. I want to see them differently so that I don't have my guard up all the tiem when i am around them. I know ppl are going to be brutal here.

That's the nut of the problem and really the key to any pattern you're going to find.

As far as them "never caring about how it would make you feel", it may come as a shock but not everybody is going to prioritize your feelings when making their own plans and living their life. Seriously. You're making everything about you.

That being said- I don't know your SIL and I don't know your friends. I'm not going to pretend that people don't get possessive and push people out of relationships. But based on what you've posted, I think you need to do some self-work. There may be a reason why people don't hang out with you as much anymore.

OP, I feel badly for you because it is hard to be in a state of jealousy and possessiveness. It does not feel good at all. But part of this is letting down your guard. Of course they do not want to be around you when you are glowering and angry and defensive and possessive. Who would? Be fun, be easy, be happy.

OP here. I know I have to get over how I feel! I just don't know how to think differently about both of them. I think the problem is that if they both invited me, it is not an issue but my SIL or my friend never bothered to, never cared about how it would make me feel. I want to see them differently so that I don't have my guard up all the tiem when i am around them. I know ppl are going to be brutal here.

I've never owned any friends so I'm not much help. Sorry OP. Just remember to mentally keep score of all the ways people have slighted you to justify getting even with them.

It's the only way to live.

BTW, since the title of your post is "SIL steals friends" I expected to hear that in at least 3-4 instances your friends had been poached by her. The fact that she has become friends with ONE -- ONE -- of your friends is not a pattern.

This sounds very juvenile. Did your friend stop being friends with you once your SIL befriended her? Or do you just feel territorial over her, like you should have control over your "BFF" and she's not allowed to stray? OP, why not be happy that the circle has widened? Isn't it a complement to your taste that SIL thinks so highly of your friend?

Have you talked to your friend about it? Seems like she's the one that is ignoring you for your SIL.

If your friend just spent less and less time with you over time - but her new friend was a stranger - you wouldn't know. How would you react then? I would apply that here.

You can't steal a friend. People can be friends with lots of other people. Your friend could have been friends with both you and SIL, except you're a crazy, emotionally immature high school student pretending to be an adult.

So I am not sure if I should be upset maybe you all can give me a voice of reason, since I have never gotten over it. My SIL(husband's brothers wife) invited my friend out to dinner. Now they are very close and my friend became my nieces god-mother. Whenever I see my friend or my SIL, I feel like it's a slap in my face. I feel very uncomfortable around them. I think about it a lot and it hurts. I am wondering have anyone been through this and any words of wisdom to help me get over it. I feel very disrespected in many ways. She attempted to do this with my other SIL (wife of my brothers) but she lived too far to nurture a relationship with her. Was she trying to tell me that she is the better person since my friend and I aren't really friends anymore?