^I ask this because I get the impression (for some reason) that this was a fairly recent accident within the past few years. I'm also getting the feeling that your BIL is feeling depressed and like a burden to his wife. And that makes me wonder if he is seeing his situation clearly or if he is imagining the worst...

This happened to him when he was in his early 40's and at this point his wife has been seeing this other man for 2 years?

How old is this couple now?

Hopefuilly he won't have to pay her any alimony/spousal support.

OP. I think you have posted too much identifying information.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.

You are naive to think sex is just sex.

But that is exactly why BIL should not have made this arrangement.

OP here. When I think about it from my BIL's point of view, I understand why he made this arrangement. He once told us that he felt like he was giving his wife a life prison sentence. Not just with sex, but with everything. No more travel as a couple, no more cuddling in bed (he sleeps on an air mattress type of bed designed to try to prevent pressure ulcers), no more fun talks about the future and retirement and all of the vacations they had planned to take, etc etc etc. Giving her permission to seek sex and that pleasure outside the marriage was BIL's way of trying to alleviate the harshness of the "prison sentence"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.

You are naive to think sex is just sex.

But that is exactly why BIL should not have made this arrangement.

Anonymous wrote:Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.

You are naive to think sex is just sex.

Anonymous wrote:Can your BIL work? What will happen if they get divorced? This is so sad. I hope she comes to her senses.

OP here. He does some work from home using voice recognition software and some other techy type of thing he bought that allows him to work on computer programming (as you can tell I'm computer illiterate) so between jobs he has working from home, settlement from the car accident that is earning a decent interest, and savings, he would mostly be able to get by without his wife's income if they got divorced. Something would have to be worked out though regarding housing, as BIL's house has been redone to handle his wheelchair/other mobility aids and I don't think his wife earns enough to be able to buy a house on her own.

I do just want to reiterate before SIL gets a bad name that she has not explicitly told my brother anything. He knows that she was seeing someone in a FWB scenario (which he told her to do) but recently has begun to suspect that it has evolved into more. Plus, he's always felt a tremendous amount of guilt for burdening her with this condition and has commented many times that he would do anything to make her smile the way she did before he was injured.

Wow, we could easily live without sex. Marriages that are all about sex... Well they end poorly.

Can your BIL work? What will happen if they get divorced? This is so sad. I hope she comes to her senses.

Anonymous wrote:Are there kids in the picture? I can't imagine what either your SIL or BIL is going through. Such a terrible situation. Your BIL sounds lovely. He should let his wife live the life she once had.

OP here. No, thankfully no children. Something that was mutually decided on long before the accident. I've heard both of them say how thankful they are that no children are involved in this. My BIL is a lovely person, as is my SIL. I'm probably not painting her in a particularly nice light, but she is also an amazing person.

Are there kids in the picture? I can't imagine what either your SIL or BIL is going through. Such a terrible situation. Your BIL sounds lovely. He should let his wife live the life she once had.

Anonymous wrote:That is crushingly sad. They truly are caught in-between a rock and a hard place. Whenever you open a relationship up, then you run a high risk of this happening. He sounds very generous and caring. Sounds like he loves her enough to let her go. So so sad. I wish him the best.

OP here. Thanks. It is a really shitty situation. Both my BIL and SIL are great people and I certainly can't fault my SIL for what seems to be happening. BIL has a good support system (lots of family and friends close by who are active in his life) but I think losing her will absolutely crush him. In follow up emails talking this out, he said that he wouldn't be able to remain friends with her, at least not in the immediate future. I really think that would crush both of them. Ugh I just have no good advice to give him and I feel terrible. Thankfully they don't have children

It has caused DH and I to reflect what would happen if we were in that situation and there just seems to be no good answer.

That is crushingly sad. They truly are caught in-between a rock and a hard place. Whenever you open a relationship up, then you run a high risk of this happening. He sounds very generous and caring. Sounds like he loves her enough to let her go. So so sad. I wish him the best.

A few years ago, DH's brother was paralyzed from the neck down in a car accident. He was in his early 40s and been married for almost 20 years. As things started to settle down and the reality of his situation became more understandable, he told his wife that he wanted her to feel free to seek sex from someone else since he would never be able to give it to her like before. Today, his brother sent us an email (he usually looks for me for advice from a women's side and advice from DH since they are brothers) because he knows his wife has been seeing another man for the past 2 years and now believes the relationship has evolved to something way more than sex. He says his wife will never ask for a divorce because he relies on her so much, but is now thinking of filing for it himself in order to give her a chance at happiness.

Anyways, I guess just wondering what others would do in this situation. My heart breaks for my BIL.