They can afford a facility on their own, just not their "preferred and desired" facility? Off they go to the one they can afford as far as I am concerned.

What they "prefer and desire" is what got them into this mess in the first place.

Anonymous wrote:Assisted living is extremely expensive-- more expensive than private school-- especially as they get more feeble and will need higher levels of services. Will you be able to keep them there for the next 5 - 10 years?

Do they understand the sacrifice you would be making to help them? Do they really want you to?

This was my question too. Do they want you to do this, knowing that you won't be able to send your kids to the same school they sent their kids to as a result?

Assisted living is extremely expensive-- more expensive than private school-- especially as they get more feeble and will need higher levels of services. Will you be able to keep them there for the next 5 - 10 years?

Do they understand the sacrifice you would be making to help them? Do they really want you to?

Anonymous wrote:Can they move in with you?

Op here: No. We both decided this is not an option for many reasons.

I would definitely pay for the assisted living. Hands down, no question.

Ugh. OP, you are a good DIL. I would be pissed that their irresponsibility led to this. I fear I will be in the same boat someday. If you and DH take on a financial responsibility, make sure the other adult children take on another kind of responsibility (like taking parents to appointments, helping clean out the house, etc). Good luck.

Can they move in with you?

Op here! Thanks for the quick responses. We are talking about paying for/heavily supplementing an assisted living facility that they love and always wanted to go to vs them live in a (not so great) nursing home that they can afford. They are mid 80s and both have heart conditions and one has had a stroke that has brought on many set backs. The house has been sold as well as its contents and cars. They are currently living with my SIL but it was never suppose to be a long term solution and we need to move them out soon.

Take care of you your kids first. If you are alumni, obviously the parents know the value of the school. I can't imagine my parents would want me to deprive my kids of what they did for me. The parents should liquidate what they have and make plans from there. Obviously they cannot live the upper crust life but they probably won't be destitute either. Anything the siblings chip in is extra but it would be nice if the others would at least be interested if not contributive.

Anonymous wrote:I'm curious what you mean about helping them out.

Does this mean paying their mortgage, nursing home or having them move in with you?

I think instead, you should look at their income (social security or whatnot) and see where it can be cut. I would only help out if it was dire, not just to keep them in their upper middle class lifestyle.

This. You need to sit down with your in-laws and their accountant and talk about their budget. What is the value of their current home? If they can move into an apartment, they should ASAP. How about cars? How much do they spend on hobbies and travel?

You are, IMO, obligated to help out, but not if that means that they continue to live without necessary sacrifices and that your kids miss out on opportunities they would have otherwise had.

Do NOT send money directly to inlaws. Its clear they do not know how to manage it and this would be wasted. Believe me I know,my parents are in the same boat. We had a solid upper middle class lifestyle but found out in my 30s that my Dad was paying for most of it on secret credit cards just to keep up appearances.
You need to put your kids first. Send them to private schools, the inlaws must downsize first and foremost. Do they have a house they can sell and then move to a smaller condo etc?

Yes, please define "helping them out". I think you will get better advice. And, how old are they?

I'm curious what you mean about helping them out.

Does this mean paying their mortgage, nursing home or having them move in with you?

I think instead, you should look at their income (social security or whatnot) and see where it can be cut. I would only help out if it was dire, not just to keep them in their upper middle class lifestyle.

1) forget private school.PERIOD
2) even if you said you were NOT going to help your in-laws
that is what would happen and you would be screwed if you were already paying for private school

3) Get your in-laws on board with a budget or there will be no help.PERIOD!

We recently had a "come to Jesus talk" with my (not healthy) inlaws and realize they have VERY little in savings. Its somewhat of a surprise because they were both long working professionals who enjoyed an upper middle class lifestyle. They simply did not save enough and also had a few bad property investments. Anyways during this family meeting we also realized we are the only ones (out of DHs siblings) who are willing to supplement the my inlaws income. This comes right at a time where my kids are in middle school and we were planning on sending them to a private high school both DH and I are fond of (alumni) and our kids have interest in. We are now wondering if the more responsible thing to do is send kids to public high school (decent school) and help inlaws out. (If it isn't clear my kids are currently in public and up until now had the plan of sending them to private high school) I am not willing to dip into retirement or college contributions. We were planning to pay for high school out of pocket but paying for in laws expenses and high school is not going to work (trust me I've redone our budget on paper about 6 different ways). I love my inlaws and they are great grandparents and I do want to help. Anyone been in this type of situation? Suggestions or alternative ideas welcomed! Their health is not good and we are working around estimated figures according to social workers and practitioners...its obviously only an estimate but we've been told a pretty realistic one.