When he's mad, don't press him with how he should communicate better. Some people need to let something set in, process how they feel, and come up with something constructive to say in response. I'm one of those people. If you come to me with an issue, I'll hear you out but I can't offer up a constructive response immediately. I need at least 20 minutes, sometimes a day if it's something serious, but if you push and push and push, demanding a response out of me immediately, then what I have to say will not be well thought out, considerate, or particularly helpful. It may come off as mean, and worst of all, I probably won't even sincerely mean what I say, so it just turns into an argument over nothing.

Say your peace, then give your husband some space. Revisit it when you both feel calm and ready to have a constructive conversation about it.

It's interesting that almost all the posts so far are throwing the blame almost entirely back onto OP.

Maybe OP doesn't communicate perfectly, and maybe she's critical, but a man of 38 who not only yells in front of a toddler but also gives a 48-hour "silent treatment" to his wife is not entitled to do those things just because his wife communicates poorly or even if she's overly critical (and we don't know that OP is doing either, really).

The silent treatment is a definite red flag. It's used by people who are controlling and cruel, or by people who are so immature about communication that they think they "win" if they get the other party to cave in and beg them to talk.

OP, it sounds as if you and your husband seriously need couples counseling focusing on communication and on your perceptions of each others' responsibilities at home. You see him as more focused on work than on home and you say he sees you as a traditional housewife who's not doing her job to his standards. You both need a third party to give you some objectivity. While it's nice to think that some "couples time" or a break from your child would help, what you describe sounds like it would just start up again the moment you both got back home. Don't depend on a night out to resolve the way you communicate the rest of the week.

If he flat-out refuses to go to counseling with you, go on your own and see if you can improve the communication on your side of the equation in ways that will model better communication for him. If he is nasty and abusive about the idea of counseling, that's another red flag about whether he is mature enough to step back and have any objectivity at all; if you don't want to get counseling--well, consider why you wouldn't want to learn to communicate better with your husband and in front of your child.

I think this thread is getting off track. I think we need an actual example of what he did that was "wrong" and how you approached the subject.

Regardless of what example you give, my question will be the same - was it worth the fight?

No one likes to be criticized or reminded of their chores. Ask yourself what would've happened if they didn't get done on your timetable. You can't control your husband, so stop trying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"I wrote down a list of everything that needs to get done this weekend. Can you think of anything else that we should add? Which ones do you want to tackle? I'll let you pick first."

That will get you a much better reaction than "Jim, WHEN are you going to take out the trash?!"

P.S. Agree about "hubby." Cutesy shit is not actually cute.

I've done this and things still aren't finished or started. Yet if I fail to cook, clean and care for our son, he would be up in arms and I would be considered a poor wife and mom. Double standards.


Again, I'll call him whatever I choose to.

Sounds like you are angry, resentful, and fighting the passive-aggressive war against him, and he's fighting the LOUD war back. Maybe YOU need to control yourself if you want him to control himself.

Op - your idea of communication is to tell him everything he does wrong and you don't understand why he gets upset and doesn't want to communicate?

You say he would be up in arms if you didn't cook or clean and consider you a poor mother and wife. Has he told you that? Has he done that? Seeing as you likely don't do everything right in his eyes does he also bring to light all of your shortcomings? How do you respond to him when he tells you what he thinks you are doing wrong?

Yelling sounds like a way of him communicating his frustration with your approach.

When he is home does he just sit around doing nothing? Never getting off the couch or turning off the TV? Would he agree that he actually contributes nothing at home?

Anonymous wrote:Stop pressing him. You are obviously trying to communicate at the wrong time. If you ask to talk, he says no, ask him when a good time to talk is. I dare someone tries to make me talk when I'm already pissed and told you no.

I used to do this but once he "calmed" down he refused to talk about it. So nothing ever gets resolved. But I agree that this is not a bad idea. Just wish we could resolve things once he gets control of his temper.

Anonymous wrote:"I wrote down a list of everything that needs to get done this weekend. Can you think of anything else that we should add? Which ones do you want to tackle? I'll let you pick first."

That will get you a much better reaction than "Jim, WHEN are you going to take out the trash?!"

P.S. Agree about "hubby." Cutesy shit is not actually cute.

I've done this and things still aren't finished or started. Yet if I fail to cook, clean and care for our son, he would be up in arms and I would be considered a poor wife and mom. Double standards.


Again, I'll call him whatever I choose to.

Anonymous wrote:How old are you and DH?

38

Why are you "bringing to light" something your husband has done "wrong".

Is wrong = not your way or is he doing something illegal or immoral?

Stop pressing him. You are obviously trying to communicate at the wrong time. If you ask to talk, he says no, ask him when a good time to talk is. I dare someone tries to make me talk when I'm already pissed and told you no.

"I wrote down a list of everything that needs to get done this weekend. Can you think of anything else that we should add? Which ones do you want to tackle? I'll let you pick first."

That will get you a much better reaction than "Jim, WHEN are you going to take out the trash?!"

P.S. Agree about "hubby." Cutesy shit is not actually cute.

How old are you and DH?

Op here.
1) I like referring to him as hubby. It has nothing to do with maturity or the question posed.
2) I speak with him about everything. He's not much of a talker so I tend to lead discussion. I do thank him for how well he provides for our family. It's not just a chores and obligation discussion. Although that is where the argument stemmed.
3) very true, and no we haven't. The few times we did sO on my initiative. He's never planned anything for us.

He puts way more effort at work than he does into his own House.He's Started projects that have never been finished, he's neglected important projects around the house that he didn't want to pay to have someone else do and he never dumps the trash etc, etc...

1. Stop referring to him as "hubby." That's not a term a mature woman uses.

2. Take a long hard look at what you mean when you "bring something to light that he has done wrong." What exactly do you say? Do you share the ways he does help and bring happiness to you? Or is every conversation about chores and obligations. I'm not saying that those things can't be discussed. Just take a look at when and how you are sharing things with him.

3. Have a toddler is stressful on every marriage. Have you two taken time alone? Date night? Gone away for a weekend?

I need some advice. Whenever I bring to light something that hubby has done wrong, he totally flips out and doesn't want to talk. I press him and try to explain how communication is important, and he starts yelling. He gets so loud its scary. I have a 12 month old boy that I really don't want seeing him act this way. He hasn't talked to me in two days. We've been married 4 years. He never responded with yelling at me before we got married.