Op, are you in shape and hygienic?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

OP, I suspect she gets pissed because a) she feels guilty for not wanting what you want and b) she may see your playful suggestions as a means to an end. Like you wouldn't be being flirtatious and playful unless you wanted sex to happen as a result.

40-something woman here. No, as a general rule I would not get "angry" when a man wants sex. I believe that the need for sex - the orgasm, the feel of touch, the emotional connection - is a basic human need. And I believe that each partner owes it to the other to discuss and address problems that come up in their sex life.

Most women who otherwise like sex will - at an emotional level - want to have sex as long as they feel 1) emotionally connected with their partner; 2) attractive and appreciated and3) are not resentful about something in the marriage. (I say at an emotional level because there are many things that also can inhibit a woman's sex drive physically.)

The only time I have was when my marriage was falling apart and my ex would not do anything about it (even acknowledge or talk about our problems). I did resent him wanting sex when he was so clearly checked out and not willing to work on things.

So

-are you sure there are no physical issues that have changed her sex drive?
-are you not connected as much as you used to be? When was the last time you tried a new couples-only activity or hobby?
-are you sure she isn't angry or resentful about something else?
-do you sincerely compliment her for both her looks and what she does for you and the family?

Anonymous wrote:I occasionally get angry because I feel that he wants his needs satisfied but makes no effort at all to satisfy mine. But then I take a deep breadth and do it anyway, because I know once we get going I'll enjoy it. But I still wish he would occasionally try to enjoy somethings that help me relax and feel good. I wish he would tell me I'm beautiful. He doens't seem to understand that words are more important to me than sex in feeling that say. That sex doesn't make me feel beautiful. I wish he would smile at me. I wish he would complement my clothes. I wish he would plan a romantic dinner for two and talk to me during that dinner. I think men think they are showing love when they show sexual desire, but I think for most women love and sex are very different things, and while they do very much enjoy sex, they really need love.

100% this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

The downer for me (as a DW) is that DH KNOWS that i get stressed when there are a ton of things that need to just get done, and every single damn time I need to tell him. And whomever said that laundry is not as important as sex obviously is not a relationship where both parents work FT and one of us (yes, that would be me) takes care of or has to keep track of most of the laundry, grocery shopping, school forms, camp forms, doctors' appointments, shopping, bill payment, communicating with contractors, nanny/daycare, housekeeping, sports schedules, music lessons, playdates, etc. When I have an hour free, there is always something that needs to be done--and DH refuses to anticipate that these things just have to get done. Either I have to tell him to do it, or it won't get done.

Anonymous wrote:As someone with low drive, I do sometimes feel disgusted by my husband's desire for sex. People with high drive think the low-drive person is unhealthy, but from my view, the high-drive person seems base/pathetic/animalistic/out of control. Neither perspective is objectively right.

Have you ever thought about couples counseling? I can't imagine that when both partners view each other as this, you guys can have a healthy marriage.

I occasionally get angry because I feel that he wants his needs satisfied but makes no effort at all to satisfy mine. But then I take a deep breadth and do it anyway, because I know once we get going I'll enjoy it. But I still wish he would occasionally try to enjoy somethings that help me relax and feel good. I wish he would tell me I'm beautiful. He doens't seem to understand that words are more important to me than sex in feeling that say. That sex doesn't make me feel beautiful. I wish he would smile at me. I wish he would complement my clothes. I wish he would plan a romantic dinner for two and talk to me during that dinner. I think men think they are showing love when they show sexual desire, but I think for most women love and sex are very different things, and while they do very much enjoy sex, they really need love.

As someone with low drive, I do sometimes feel disgusted by my husband's desire for sex. People with high drive think the low-drive person is unhealthy, but from my view, the high-drive person seems base/pathetic/animalistic/out of control. Neither perspective is objectively right.

OP here. PP, thanks for your perspective. That's very helpful. I candidly say that I want more sex, but that's only part of it. I want her to want me. When we do have sex, she usually brings it. She's great. When. She. Gets. In. The. Mood.

When she's not in the mood, and I try to be playful about sex -- say, talk in a fun way about when and how we can have sex -- she just gets pissed off. That's a real downer.

DW here. I wouldn't say that I get angry. But I do feel guilty, unappreciated (he doesn't care about everything else I do, only that I'm not putting out ... I absolutely know that this is NOT how he feels, but I can't help the gut reaction), used ("my purpose is to keep him satisfied"... again, I know it's ridiculous but there it is), and a bit defensive. My gut reaction is to give him all of the reasons that I'm not interested at that moment, which probably sounds like an attack. I try to keep it down, calmly explain what I need to happen differently, and then put more effort into "getting in the mood" more (or just starting it anyway, hoping that I'll get in the mood once things are moving. But he probably thinks I sound angry when he tells me that he needs more sex and my response is that I'm exhausted, stressed about work, need to finish the laundry/cooking/whatever.

Anonymous wrote:No, my husband's desire for sex doesn't make me angry. We are on the same page about that.

That said, it sounds like you would rather have sex with someone who is forcing herself to have sex with you than go without. I would personally be angry about that, if I was your wife. That would make me feel coerced and objectified.

I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to point out that your wife is a person, not a blow up doll, and your concern should be what's going on with her, not getting laid more.

I expect "what's going on with her" is that she thinks life would be hunky-dory if he just didn't want to have sex with her (or anyone else). And if he addresses that concern by acquiescing, then he's denying his sexuality and the marriage will deteriorate.

Too bad it's not as easy as simply compromising:
Have sex 100% of the time they both want sex.
Have sex 0% of the time neither wants sex.
Have sex 50% of the time he wants sex and she doesn't.
Have sex 50% of the time she wants sex and he doesn't.

In any event, "having sex" isn't the entire solution. If he's anything like me, it's not just "having sex" that I want. Rather, what I mostly want is for my wife to want to have sex with me.

No, my husband's desire for sex doesn't make me angry. We are on the same page about that.

That said, it sounds like you would rather have sex with someone who is forcing herself to have sex with you than go without. I would personally be angry about that, if I was your wife. That would make me feel coerced and objectified.

I don't have a solution for you. Just wanted to point out that your wife is a person, not a blow up doll, and your concern should be what's going on with her, not getting laid more.

I think we need more specifics. What sort of comments is she responding to? Is it stuff that makes her feel like she is less desirable now because she is older and heavier now?

No, I don't feel the same way. But I guess because I also have a need for sex so DH and I are on the same page in that regard. If she's kind of an asexual person or just doesn't really want/need sex, I suppose I can understand why she's annoyed that you do. Although I don't think that is particularly healthy.

Often (but not always) when a reference to sex comes up, my wife will react angrily, as if men are bad because they want sex. In different moments, she clearly understands that sex is part of human nature. And she has sex with me. Much, much less often than I would like, but she's working on doing it more. She says she understands that it is essential for a healthy marriage but it's clear that she's forcing herself.

All other things are fine. Mid 40's. Two careers are good. Kids are fine. We get along fine and balance responsibilities. But the idea that men want sex makes her angry. I suspect part of this is her feeling guilty for not having sex more, but then getting angry that the reasons she doesn't want sex (gained a little, but not a lot, of weight after kids, body is different, etc) aren't her fault and then, as is human nature, turns it around.

Ladies, do you feel the same way? I'm trying to understand so--you guessed it--I can figure out a way past it and I can get more sex.