Also I try not to dwell on it. There are many other things to do in life than worry about how your mom acts. I know that sounds cold, but it can be like picking at a scab. It hurts and gets bigger and more worrisome the more you mess with it. Best to try to enjoy the life you have now (away from mom) and keep moving forward.

Distance has been a big help for me. She will not change, and she is OK in small doses. But she is who she is, so I keep it brief.

I just grew out of it, I guess. At a certain point I realized that my mother will never admit all the wrongs she had done to me as a child/teen - she still believes that she did the best she could. We have a good relationship now (she is my only relative other than my husband and children and she loves her grandkids), but it took me consciously deciding, as an adult, that I just needed to move on - the hatred hurts the hater, not the hated.

I could have written your post... I am still crying... I command your attitude and the hard work, reading, healing and taking care of yourself. From my similar childhood experience which I have finally come to internalize and understand, I can't say there is a solution to the anger unless the mother changes and what are the chances that that would happen? I would say nonexistent... When you do find the solution, within your relationship, please do share. I have tried praying, fighting, confrontations, cutting her off, you name it. She still finds the way to get to me and manipulate the situation. Hugs and best of luck to you!

Anonymous wrote:Oh, I could have written your post. What makes me really angry now is that my mother is getting old and less capable. Well, I think it's really a learned helplessness because she's always had/like having the man in her life do for her and she no longer has that. I get so angry and resentful when I feel she's looking for me to fulfill that role now. I'm sure there are some things that are hard for her and if I didn't have baggage I wouldn't resent doing. But, I do. I need to work on letting that go.

This is my mom to a T. I'm so angry at the needy person she has become and she just turned 70 and has not had any major illnesses. She walked out on my dad after nearly 30 years of marriage and wants my sisters and me to swoop in and take care of her in his place but that's not happening because we have kids, careers, etc. I just get mad instead and stay away.

Things came to a head with my mother a year ago - she said some horrible things just when I was facing a particularly difficult situation and was quite vulnerable as a result. I so badly wanted to cut her off and never see or talk to her again.

DH persuaded me not to, and a year later I am glad he did. First, it would have been hard for me to keep a relationship with my Dad; and second, I have to accept that my mother is limited due to her personality and neglected/abusive upbringing, and thus cannot help herself.

I moved halfway across the world to distance myself from her, so at least visits are rare. We phone each other often but somehow that is much less tense because I know I can just hang up if she becomes abusive. This allows me to maintain a loving relationship with her, while avoiding her.

One last thing. Staying busy (easy to do with little kids!) helps me forget, and forgetting what she has done to me is key - I get riled up when I remember. Forgiveness is still eluding me, but I am sure will come in time.

I had similar issues with my mother and they were ongoing. I found that after I ended our relationship, I felt immensely relieved, safe, and secure. I was so afraid of her. By moving on with my life - for me that means taking care of myself in the ways I had been neglected as a child (stupid stuff, like we weren't poor but I never had things I needed like tampons and now it gives me great pleasure to be fully stocked with hygiene products) , and also building positive and healthy and loving relationships with others, including "surrogate" parents - I was able to let go of the anger. I feel sad, I feel guilty because I know that she is hurting, but I also feel strong and resilient and I wouldn't be me if it hadn't been for her.

OP here. Thanks everyone. I appreciate your responses.

Would you like your mom if you met her as a stranger?

Learn to like or love the person she is, not the person you want her to be. My SIL's mom is the sane age as my mom. She travels, gives great parties, and is fun. She is also a pia and overbearing. My SIL is intimidated by her. The mom is a neat person but kind of a pushy mom. It is what it is.

My mom is less intimidating but is shy, self conscious and battles depression. Never wants to leave the house and is wholly dependent on me. I would love if she had taken care if herself (like we begged her too) or if she wanted to go out and do stuff (which I would love) but she is who she is.

Basically: you can't change your mom. So change your expectations.

Oh, I could have written your post. What makes me really angry now is that my mother is getting old and less capable. Well, I think it's really a learned helplessness because she's always had/like having the man in her life do for her and she no longer has that. I get so angry and resentful when I feel she's looking for me to fulfill that role now. I'm sure there are some things that are hard for her and if I didn't have baggage I wouldn't resent doing. But, I do. I need to work on letting that go.

I find it really helpful to maintain boundaries in the here & now and to give myself permission to pull away for awhile.

In terms of letting go of the anger, I pray about it. I have certain visualizations/meditations I use to calm myself down when I feel myself getting worked up. Other self-care, like me time, getting enough sleep, eating well, etc help me let things roll off my back more easily. My DH and I also have cues for when we need the other to step in and run interference for us with relatives.

It's directed towards alcoholics and adult children of alcoholics, but I find that the book "Zen of Recovery" to be very helpful. It doesn't just apply to drunks and the kids of drunks. The author had a lot of experience with some very mentally ill parents. I find the practice of gratitude and mindfulness and kindness moves me pretty far away from my mother, who was abusive but suffering at the same time.

http://www.amazon.com/The-Zen-Recovery-Mel-Ash/dp/0874777062

Are the damaging issues ongoing or totally in the past?

I just remind myself that anger is like acid--letting it eat me up from the inside only hurts me. Worse, it means I'm living my life in reaction to the person who hurt me, instead of living my own life. Not being angry doesn't mean that you think what she did was okay--it means that you're giving yourself the gift of letting it go and focusing on the positive things in your life--which apparently include the fact that she is a loving grandmother.

So it has been a long road in getting past my issues and battling anxiety and at this point in my life, I'm the calmest and most content I've ever been. Brief history is that I had a ton of issues with both parents, father committed suicide and my mother is narcissistic, competitive, emotionally abusive, insecure and unreliable. My mom lives in the area and while she is dysfunctional in many ways - she can be a loving, affectionate mom and truly loves and is delighted my child. There are also certain attributes I have gotten from her and her upbringing of me that I love (e.g. she is intellectual and artistic, loves to cook & set a beautiful table etc). I am keeping her in my life especially because I want my kids to have a good relationship with their grandma. I've seen 2 excellent therapists, was on SRRIs for 1 year, battled anxiety with cognitive behavioral therapy, refocused my perspective on my husband, family & career, run & do yoga regularly, turned to faith, read books on anxiety, parents& anger....and after all that, I feel that the last remaining hurdle is to get over the anger.

I know that the thought processes and realizations have to come to me in my own time, but I was wondering if anyone else is at this stage.
What do you tell yourselves and how do you stop being angry? How do you let go off 1/5/10 year old anger for emotional abuse, lies, bad decisions that affected your life? I've had some success with
-she did the best she could, given who she was
-my life, in one sense, is unaffected by her because I have a happy marriage, wonderful kids and a great career
-holding on to the anger doesn't do anything and I need to stop trying to punish her (e.g. by comparing my mothering of my own children to bad decisions she made in similar circumstances)

How do you get past the anger?
Thanks.