Anonymous wrote:

Before she had her own kid he wasn't a great aunt and has only carried DC twice.

I have to roll my eyes at this. You actually counted the times she carried your DS? It makes me think that you're overly critical and overly sensitive - perceiving things that aren't really there (expecting your DH to spend alone time with her 15 mo old) and ignoring what is (she's just not that into kids who aren't hers). Clearly, your SIL isn't the kid person you and your DH are. Why that would make you change how you interact with her kid (ie change who you are), I have no idea. And, what kind of toys does a 15 month old have that a 4 year old would want to play with? There's no reason for a 4 year old needs to play in a baby's room. She probably didn't want him wrecking it. I don't blame her.

If you and your DH feel compelled to say something to her, it should be him not you.

I agree with this poster and I say this as person who loves kids. I certainly do not expect people to be into my kids the way I am, plus people have their own ways on connecting and interacting. Take it down a notch and let things happen naturally, stop nitpicking.

Anonymous wrote:21:01 he hasn't asked yet. I posed the question incase he did ask down the line. I'm sure in a year or two he will start to notice.

To the poster who loves being an aunt. I too am an aunt to 9 nieces and nephews. I live far away from them and hardly ever get to see then but make it a point to text everyday and Skype on Sundays. I put in a lot of effort to keep that strong bond with them.

Who texts kids EVERYDAY ?!
That sounds weird to me

Before she had her own kid he wasn't a great aunt and has only carried DC twice.

I have to roll my eyes at this. You actually counted the times she carried your DS? It makes me think that you're overly critical and overly sensitive - perceiving things that aren't really there (expecting your DH to spend alone time with her 15 mo old) and ignoring what is (she's just not that into kids who aren't hers). Clearly, your SIL isn't the kid person you and your DH are. Why that would make you change how you interact with her kid (ie change who you are), I have no idea. And, what kind of toys does a 15 month old have that a 4 year old would want to play with? There's no reason for a 4 year old needs to play in a baby's room. She probably didn't want him wrecking it. I don't blame her.

If you and your DH feel compelled to say something to her, it should be him not you.

When people tell you who they are, believe then the first time.

Stop trying to change your SIL. Change how you are around her---you shoukd refuse to leave your DC out of playing with his dad and cousin; that's crazy. And if your son asks why his aunt doesn't play with him, just say she's not a playing kind of person. It's ok. People are who they are.

21:01 he hasn't asked yet. I posed the question incase he did ask down the line. I'm sure in a year or two he will start to notice.

To the poster who loves being an aunt. I too am an aunt to 9 nieces and nephews. I live far away from them and hardly ever get to see then but make it a point to text everyday and Skype on Sundays. I put in a lot of effort to keep that strong bond with them.

Anonymous wrote:Thank you for the replies! I think I'm going to explain exactly that to DC should he ask and yes we will continue to keep our distance. It makes me sad that we are missing out on her sons life and she on ours.

I would never ever lose out on the opportunity to be an aunt to my nieces and nephews because my SILs don't dote the way I do. I love being an aunt and my kids love having cousins. My nieces and nephews know they can count on me for anything and my kids know that they can't count on their aunts and uncles. It's just the way it is. They know who their relatives are and they don't expect them to be more than they are. Our lives are better for having my nieces and nephews in it.

I would most definitely foster a close relationship between your child and his first cousin. That is the most important thing. I would not expect your SIL to change. She is who she is, and you cannot change her. Lower your expectations so that you won't be disappointed the next time you see her. Does your child really ask why his aunt doesn't give him any attention? I find that hard to believe.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't spend as much time with her or her child. She expects your DH to dote on her kid while she IGNORES your child? What does she expect your child is supposed to do while DH is playing uncle of the year?

OP, I think you need to say something along the lines of above to your SIL. Maybe she needs a swift kick in the a#%# to see that what she is asking of your DH is absolutely absurd considering she ignores your child. Oh, and also I would cut down visits to maybe once a year until she gets the message. I honestly feel that with some people you need to put it in their face so they get the message.

PP from above here. I actually have the opposite issue. My sister pays a great deal of attention to my kids and ignores her own child when mine are around. Weird, but....anyway, I try to have the kids play together and basically away from my sister because I can see how hurt her own child is from this behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't spend as much time with her or her child. She expects your DH to dote on her kid while she IGNORES your child? What does she expect your child is supposed to do while DH is playing uncle of the year?

OP, I think you need to say something along the lines of above to your SIL. Maybe she needs a swift kick in the a#%# to see that what she is asking of your DH is absolutely absurd considering she ignores your child. Oh, and also I would cut down visits to maybe once a year until she gets the message. I honestly feel that with some people you need to put it in their face so they get the message.

I think people are who they are. She's not a kid person, but knows her brother is. I suggest you have DH (or you) play with both kids, so that they both get attention without exclusion. Play games with both together - build stuff or color or whatever, and if SIlk insists on her brother doing things along with her son (if I'm reading you right, that's what she's doing), just say no - say he is good about playing with other kids, explain that he loves his cousin, or that he always plays with daddy, whatever. Just don't let her bully you into private play time that excludes your son. And accept that she'll never be the aunt you want her to be and that that's ok.

I wouldn't change my relationship with my niece or nephew just because they didn't reciprocate the relationship. I love my niece and nephew and go out of my way to have a relationship with them. My sister doesn't show the same level of affection or give the same time to my daughter. I think its her loss and at the end of the day, I want to be proud of the aunt I am and not miss out on a relationship because someone else chose to minimize their relationship with my child. Just because she chooses to be one kind of aunt doesn't mean I can't be the aunt I want to be. If that makes sense? I would feel like if I altered my relationship with my niece and nephew because my sister doesn't make the same effort with my children I would be doing it out of spite.
Have you or your DH mentioned that it hurts your feelings and that your child is noticing this change and his feelings are hurt? Or when she sang that song, did you mention to her how much it meant to him?
Ultimately, it's her relationship to cultivate and if she chooses not to, it's really her loss. I can see why your DH feelings are hurt, sometimes it hurts my feelings too. Although, I don't know what their relationship is like? My sister and I aren't super close and she isn't someone I confide in for support, etc. so I take the relationship for what it is. But I try not to let my hurt feelings about the differences affect too much because it's not worth it. I would rather maintain a peaceful relationship with her knowing what it is and maintain a close relationship with my niece and nephew than lose on all relationships all together.

Thank you for the replies! I think I'm going to explain exactly that to DC should he ask and yes we will continue to keep our distance. It makes me sad that we are missing out on her sons life and she on ours.

I wouldn't spend as much time with her or her child. She expects your DH to dote on her kid while she IGNORES your child? What does she expect your child is supposed to do while DH is playing uncle of the year?

Explain to your child that not everyone likes kids and he is lucky he has two parents that care for him. You need to accept the fact that not everyone likes kids, even if they have one of their own.

We have a 4 yr old who is easy going and sweet. My SIL has a 15 month old adorable boy. We used to see a lot of SIL and she loves her brother (DH) and we have a pretty good relationship. Before she had her own kid he wasn't a great aunt and has only carried DC twice. She doesn't pay attention to him and we put it down to the fact that she doesn't have kids so she doesn't know better. She has had problems wih friends before who stopped talking to her bc she was the God mother of their kids but didn't call or show them attention. Anyway SIL is married now and has her sweet 15 month old and we dote on him when we see him, kids cuddle and give him a lot of attention. She expects DH to spend alone time with her son and while this is going on our DC is being ignored. DC asked if hr could go in to her sons room to play with his toys and she said no, not right now. DH always leaves with his feelings hurt that his sister ignores DC. I spoke to her about it once and she said she knows she isn't a good aunt but was going to try harder. The next time she saw dc she sang a song with him and he was so excited he spoke about it for weeks. However she has never paid attention to him again. All I'm asking for is for her to hug him or ask him about his day. We haven't seen her since before Christmas and her birthday is coming up and I'm going to mail her gift.
What would you do? Would you ignore it's and accept this is how it is going to be. Also how do we deal with our child's feelings of being ignored?