I disagree with PP. There is nothing admirable in tolerating or going out of your way for rudeness. This is not a martyr worthy situation. Effusive or not, it's rude of them not to be basically welcoming or cordial. My BIL and wife are like that and they are selfish, jealous alcoholics. There is no need for me to go out of my way for them.

OP, I'm the dissenting voice here and I speak as someone with ILs just like this. DH thinks we need to go out of our way to visit them and when we do, they act like they really couldn't care less if we're there or not. I admit that it really bugs me, but over our years of marriage (12) I've realized that... it's just who and how they are. My family is much more effusive ("We're SO glad you're here!!!") and his is just more laid back.

Like it or not, this is your DH's brother. He needs to have a relationship with him. Sounds like he doesn't see him often if he lives so far away and yes, it's worth making an effort on his part. You need to go along, like it or not. You're not going to be entertained. You're going to support your DH. Suck it up, be thankful you don't have to deal with these people on a regular basis, and encourage your DH to find something positive in staying in touch with his brother.

This reminded me of the saying 'Fool me once...'
I know it's easier said than done, OP, but try to lower your expectations and don't make heroic efforts.

Anonymous wrote:Sadly, typically. Nothing has happened, it's just the way his brother is, and always has been.

So then why are you upset OP? They acted exactly as they have always acted.Yet your expectation was that magically they would change their behavior with no intervention. This is going to sound harsh, but do you enjoy being a victim? Seriously. These people have shown you who they are, yet you CHOSE to drive a long distance. When these people behaved exactly as they always have, you became angry and now cannot let it go. Of course these people are rude, and you'll get a bunch of posts agreeing with you. But in the end, YOU chose to make the journey to see people who have consistently shown you who they are.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, but expecting a different result. This is exactly what you are doing. Here are two suggestions for trying things differently: don't make any trips to see them or make the trip and simply change your expectations.

It's too bad, but count this as a learning experience. They're not interested in you: now you know. You have more clarity about the way they feel about you than you did before the visit.

Re-arrange your priorities accordingly. Give your feelings some time to recover, but then move on. Also, count your blessings - you have other family members who care about you, don't you? Focus on them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Anybody have any advice? It makes me so mad. I try not to let it get to me but I can't let it go.

Don't drive 4 hrs to visit. If someone treated me like that, I'd make no effort to see them.

Good call?

Oops no question mark.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Anybody have any advice? It makes me so mad. I try not to let it get to me but I can't let it go.

Don't drive 4 hrs to visit. If someone treated me like that, I'd make no effort to see them.

Good call?

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Anybody have any advice? It makes me so mad. I try not to let it get to me but I can't let it go.

It should make you mad. If your BIL is a jerk, then why bother pursuing a relationship? Maybe they find it annoying that you and your DH keep trying to have a relationship with them when they could care less.

Anonymous wrote:OP here... Anybody have any advice? It makes me so mad. I try not to let it get to me but I can't let it go.

Don't drive 4 hrs to visit. If someone treated me like that, I'd make no effort to see them.

OP here... Anybody have any advice? It makes me so mad. I try not to let it get to me but I can't let it go.

Must be this way for a reason..,

They are throwing out hints and they aren't subtle about it.

Sadly, typically. Nothing has happened, it's just the way his brother is, and always has been.

I am sorry. That sucks.

Is this typical or was it surprising...is there more to the story? What was their relationship like prior to this?

Just a quick vent. We just drove 4 hours to see DHs brother and sister in law while they are visiting DH parents from the west coast. When we arrived DH Brother completely ignored us and his wife gave us a half hearted hello. So frustrating...