Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 16:17     Subject: Managing expectations
The best thing that ever happened to DC was getting wait listed at Sidwell, and seeing a BFF with lower scores, lower grades, but great connections get accepted. This is a chance to understand how the world really works, and how both effort and luck are equally essential to the process. After a few weeks of disappointment DC started working harder than ever and is now at a "top ivy." Thanks, Sidwell!
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:37     Subject: Managing expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:It is good to manage expectations in advance. However, some disappointment is actually good for kids' development. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I agree that the age of the student makes a big difference. For a 9th grade applicant with good scores but grades that lag behind (ye old "red flag" on effort), it can spark a conversation about how to really work for what you want. For the same age group with good grades but not good standardized scores, it can also spark a conversation about "hey, now you know what you'll need to work on" in terms of practicing for later standardized tests.


Terrible idea. Essentially telling the child he didn't get in because he didn't work hard enough or because he's bright enough (at least thats the message he'll hear). "Sorry kid, you just weren't good enough." Its not even true, there are kids with so so grades or scores who get in everywhere. There's just a lot randomness to the process and I don't see how making it personal helps.


I think saying it's a "terrible idea" is a little harsh.

I agree with the poster that we shouldn't always protect our kids from disappointment and that we can turn disappointment into a learning experience. But I also agree that there is a lot of randomness to the process. I'm pretty sure I will be more upset than my DC if they don't get in to the schools she applied to (but I'm okay with that!).
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:28     Subject: Managing expectations
OP, I think you're wonderful!

And it is a crapshoot, like getting into a certain college or that job that so many others also are qualifed for...

Your kids will get in somewhere, and the schools they didn't attend will be a distant memory. I think that with a level-headed and considerate parent like you, they are likely to turn out fine no matter what.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:13     Subject: Managing expectations
OP here. Thanks everyone. I have one going into HS and one into 7th so they will definitely understand not getting in. I have tried all the encouraging prep words so I actually agree that the "crapshoot" comment is pretty funny and helpful. I also can hardly believe this is a DCUM thread because no one has insulted me yet!! Maybe there is hope!
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 15:13     Subject: Managing expectations
Anonymous wrote:It is good to manage expectations in advance. However, some disappointment is actually good for kids' development. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I agree that the age of the student makes a big difference. For a 9th grade applicant with good scores but grades that lag behind (ye old "red flag" on effort), it can spark a conversation about how to really work for what you want. For the same age group with good grades but not good standardized scores, it can also spark a conversation about "hey, now you know what you'll need to work on" in terms of practicing for later standardized tests.


Terrible idea. Essentially telling the child he didn't get in because he didn't work hard enough or because he's bright enough (at least thats the message he'll hear). "Sorry kid, you just weren't good enough." Its not even true, there are kids with so so grades or scores who get in everywhere. There's just a lot randomness to the process and I don't see how making it personal helps.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 14:54     Subject: Managing expectations
It is good to manage expectations in advance. However, some disappointment is actually good for kids' development. http://www.nytimes.com/2011/09/18/magazine/what-if-the-secret-to-success-is-failure.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0

I agree that the age of the student makes a big difference. For a 9th grade applicant with good scores but grades that lag behind (ye old "red flag" on effort), it can spark a conversation about how to really work for what you want. For the same age group with good grades but not good standardized scores, it can also spark a conversation about "hey, now you know what you'll need to work on" in terms of practicing for later standardized tests.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 13:50     Subject: Managing expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have told our DC that there are either no spots or very limited spots so not to get too excited about going to any specific school. This way if DC does get in, then it will be a happy surprise.


Ok but that's not entirely true and what if their friends do get in? Right now my dd has 7 friends applying and she applied to several of same schools. My son has 6 friends same situation.


Well, it is entirely true for my child.

It sounds like you have a child entering high school. I can see how that would be trickier.


Actually I think the same advice could be used for a high schooler. Pretty soon they will be applying to colleges, which also have limited slots. Just have to say there are a lot of qualified kids like yours who are applying for a limited number of spots, so not everyone will get in. If they are entering high school, they should be able to understand this and handle this.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 13:47     Subject: Re:Managing expectations
12:44 - Best comment ever in this entire forum!
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 13:28     Subject: Managing expectations
I think my child will get over it. If the worst happens, just help him to keep in close touch with his old friends even at other schools. Mine has done that and eventually they all go to different colleges anyway. Friendships at school are convenience-based but friendships that don't rely on the shared-school convenience are friends for life.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 13:21     Subject: Managing expectations
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:We have told our DC that there are either no spots or very limited spots so not to get too excited about going to any specific school. This way if DC does get in, then it will be a happy surprise.


Ok but that's not entirely true and what if their friends do get in? Right now my dd has 7 friends applying and she applied to several of same schools. My son has 6 friends same situation.


Well, it is entirely true for my child.

It sounds like you have a child entering high school. I can see how that would be trickier.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 12:44     Subject: Managing expectations
I think this is a good time to introduce the term "crapshoot."
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 12:18     Subject: Managing expectations
I told my DD (this is for K so if you're talking HS, this is probably less helpful) that there were not enough spaces for the school(s) to accept everyone and if she doesn't get admitted, it has NOTHING to do with her and everything to do with the space -- literally not enough desks and chairs. I have stressed this. I think it's true for older kids too--don't make it about them but about the limitations the school has.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 12:14     Subject: Managing expectations
Anonymous wrote:We have told our DC that there are either no spots or very limited spots so not to get too excited about going to any specific school. This way if DC does get in, then it will be a happy surprise.


Ok but that's not entirely true and what if their friends do get in? Right now my dd has 7 friends applying and she applied to several of same schools. My son has 6 friends same situation.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 12:09     Subject: Managing expectations
We have told our DC that there are either no spots or very limited spots so not to get too excited about going to any specific school. This way if DC does get in, then it will be a happy surprise.
Anonymous
Post 02/11/2014 11:40     Subject: Managing expectations
I know many of you (like me) are waiting to hear from multiple schools in early March. Any ideas/advice on how to prepare DC for disappointment? I don't want them to feel "rejected" or that they weren't good enough...