Interesting thread.

My parents overcoddled me, never let me do chores, or learn to be independent in any way, then when I was a teen refused to let me go out with my friends (just girls, just to their house, just to a movie), and did not prepare me at all for life after high school. We never discussed anything intelligent at home, they would push for high grades but nothing else, and would spend their time in front of the TV, or go hiking. They did not have friends, and refused me access to mine, and to any kind of practical life experience.
I met an older man in undergrad, went with him to the US (my father couldn't speak to me for months when I announced that, and we lived in the same house), and got married to him while I went to grad school. It took me 10 years after adolescence to feel like a somewhat functioning adult, thanks to my husband and the friends I met here.

My parents were very loving, but not good parents. This is what's so confusing to me.

Now is it emotional abuse, however? I don't know.
All I know is that I am raising my kids to be practical, social and reasonably independent. We like to discuss and experience the wider world and I welcome their friends in my house.

I'm not op but I so appreciate everyone sharing these stories. It makes me feel less alone.

I would say emotional abuse can also take a very manipulative role over the course of someone's life as well. Ie. my mother- while she would excessively tell me how much she loves me- laughed when I was not accepted to the college I wanted to go into, constantly told me I wasn't good enough for the degree I was pursuing, and on and on. I had to work very hard to achieve my goals and at every turn she would constantly try to place doubt, negative ideas, tell me to quit, and the feeling of just not being good enough ever. All while saying "I love you, you're my whole world, etc etc". I had to remove myself from her and her life. I realized she was a bitter woman who was fully dependent upon my father, a stay at home mom who thought anyone who did differently was a horrible mother (that includes me)... When they divorced it was that much worse. She was emotionally abusive to my father in all the typical ways described (which as others said above seemed normal at the time- and then I left and found an amazing man and found out it didn't have to be that way)- but I would say her emotional abusiveness towards me was in a much more manipulative and conniving way.
I removed myself from her life for two years and discovered that I was a healthier person without her in my life. That part is painful to accept. We speak on the phone only but never about anything personal - always about surface things. She is not allowed in my home.

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the PP who posted the link. I always thought my parents were emotionally abusive, but it is pretty bad when you read it and every line applies to them.

Some classic, often repeated lines are:
"Do you really think you could have done anything in your life without us?"
"You're a shitty lawyer. I would be so much better if I had the parents you did." (I'm great at my job and if anything my parents hindered me. My grandparents happily paid for my dad to go to college - and he spent the whole time in a drug haze and never graduated).

OH I could go on.

My favorite: "we love you because we have to love you, but we don't have to like you, and we don't (because you're [long list of denigrating terms/expletives]."

Anonymous wrote:Thanks to the PP who posted the link. I always thought my parents were emotionally abusive, but it is pretty bad when you read it and every line applies to them.

Some classic, often repeated lines are:
"Do you really think you could have done anything in your life without us?"
"You're a shitty lawyer. I would be so much better if I had the parents you did." (I'm great at my job and if anything my parents hindered me. My grandparents happily paid for my dad to go to college - and he spent the whole time in a drug haze and never graduated).

OH I could go on.

I am still in denial and disbelief that my mom meets nearly everything on that list. While venting to my husband about my mom recently, he referred to it as emotional abuse. When he first said it, I thought it sounded like a strong term so I just googled it and was shocked that she met nearly all of those on the list. It's even worse that my father and siblings accept her for it and often blame me - even though she does the same thing to them! I haven't decided what to do about my relationship with her.

In my friend's family, her Mom was hypercritical of everything. My was a first generation of a Holocaust survivor and my friend therefor was second generation. Her Mom criticized her about everything, her weight, her grades, how she closed the door, any kind of perceived mess, etc. I never knew what to expect when I went over there, it was like walking on egg shells. And there were always fights and crying even in front of me. I'm sure my friend's mother had the same experience with her own mother, in retrospect. Both kids turned out fine and are married with kids. Unfortunately, my friend married someone who is pretty similar to her Mom. We went out to eat with them and he must have sent his food back 4 times and criticized the wait staff. Very uncomfortable, but in general she has put up with him and on the surface seems happy.

Thanks to the PP who posted the link. I always thought my parents were emotionally abusive, but it is pretty bad when you read it and every line applies to them.

Some classic, often repeated lines are:
"Do you really think you could have done anything in your life without us?"
"You're a shitty lawyer. I would be so much better if I had the parents you did." (I'm great at my job and if anything my parents hindered me. My grandparents happily paid for my dad to go to college - and he spent the whole time in a drug haze and never graduated).

OH I could go on.

My mom stole opiate drugs out of my medicine cabinet and hit my toddler across the face during the same visit.

Anonymous wrote:I would say parents who are emotionally abusive tell their child things like he/she is stupid, worthless, etc. Very damaging things for a kid to hear from the people who are suppose to love him/her the most.

I have had that. my favorite used to be "If you had half a brain, you'd be dangerous!"
They may also manipulate you into making poor decisions so that you cannot better you life and escape their swirling black hole of an existence. they did this to my niece. She was an honor roll HS student, until she got pregnant. My family is not anti-abortion, not boy a long shot. but they convinced my niece to keep the baby. They told her they would help her and all sorts of other lies. A few months after having the baby, they kicked her out.

Here it is three years later, she's finally doing better in life. Working a job, going to school, and saved enough money to get an apartment. (She's currently living with her boyfriend and his mom.) My mom and brother tell her that she is not ready to get her own place, and that she should stay where she is. A few weeks later she is pregnant again. Mom and brother are celebrating like they just won the lotto. They tell her that she's not mature enough to get her own apartment, but they tell her to have more kids??? WTF

My family will NEVER see my kids. I will never give them the chance to manipulate my kids that way.

Of course when you are growing up you think you family is normal. Once you're an adult and you realize other people don't treat each other that way, you can start comparing and understand how screwed up (or not) your family was. It's a long process.

Anonymous wrote:i read this: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

my mom hits most of these.

Thanks for sharing this link. My parents are so extreme that emotional abuse throughout my childhood was, to borrow a phrase, the "fabric of our lives."

i read this: http://www.counselingcenter.illinois.edu/self-help-brochures/relationship-problems/emotional-abuse/

my mom hits most of these.

My parents set very unrealistic expectations for us and then punished us when we couldn't meet them. Our punishments were always out of proportion to our wrongdoings.

I would say parents who are emotionally abusive tell their child things like he/she is stupid, worthless, etc. Very damaging things for a kid to hear from the people who are suppose to love him/her the most.

I keep reading post about being abused emotionally and wondering exactly what your parent did. Not morbid here, but I grew up in a hell hole family and never really considered myself abused. But after reading the post, I guess I was. Thankfully I think I got thru it pretty good….so far.