OP, I had a good cry tonight about an abusive relationship I left and the pain, really anguish, I harbor. Move on with your life, begin the healing process. You will be much happier in the end.

Read Lundy Bancroft's Should I Stay or SHould I Go? That will help you figure out if your person can change and whether you want to invest the time in finding out. I'm in that process right now and it is tough. Good luck to you, OP, and I hope you can heal whether you stay or go.

Most people can change. Doesn't mean they will, and it doesn't mean it's worth waiting for.

I think that certain people can bring out the absolute worst qualities in each other - to the point of being emotionally draining (even abusive at times) to each other. Put those same people with more compatible mates and one or both of them might change drastically.

I used to argue to the point of yelling at one of my former boyfriends - he just did things that would get my blood boiling at times, I got so pissed that I felt that there was steam literally shooting out of my ears. But these arguments would be followed by some incredibly good times together and it took me a while to realize just how dysfunctional that relationship really was - maybe not quite abusive but certainly not healthy. I finally ended it.

I have now been with my wonderful dh for over 20 years and I have never even once yelled at him like that (I can't even imagine me doing that!) . We disagree sometimes but we're always respectful of each other and we make it a point to never go to bed mad. I think that we bring out the best in each other - and what a difference.

No, never. Years will pass, they will still be like it and you will loose years waiting for a change, therapy, this and that. Emotionally abusive people do not change. I do not know your situation but if you can leave. They will just become more and more toxic and you will be thinking more and more often that you deserve that treatment and that you did something wrong. It will change YOU. The despot won't change.

I agree with PP. Absolutely they can change, but they'll need professional help. And a willingness and motivation to change.

Sure, anybody CAN change...they just have to want to bad enough to look at themselves harshly, figure out why they do what they do (may need pro help for it) notice the triggers, and start catching themselves before they do what they always did. But most people don't want to...and if u are on the other end of it, you don't have to take it. Boundaries. Say I won't put up with this, and walk away. If u aren't there to take it, they will get the picture. Go do something you like. You can't change anybody else...they are in charge of their own life...and shitty people will be shitty to you as long as you let them. Don't let them. Walk. Tell them why you are going, then just go...they can work on themselves alone. You don't have to be their sounding board. You aren't their savior anyway...but CAN they? Yes. The question is WILL they...bc they value what they lose (you/a good life/peace) more than what they gain (feeling powerful/letting out their anger on others as a release) by being an asshole. Don't put up with it....state your case. No change? Walk.

I think they would have to be 100% committed to figuring out and recognizing what they're doing AND be willing to be constantly vigilant in policing their own behavior.

In other words, it's hard to imagine real change.

No.

Life is too short to be the guinea pig on finding this out, OP

when people know better they do better. they have to know how to change and what to change.

If they do not become aware that their behavior is that of an emotionally abusive person, they cannot begin to change.

Most of the time that awareness is not there.

Deep down, I think the answer is no.