Anonymous wrote:Two reasons.
1. I hate my body right now. 3yr post-baby and I'm horribly out of shape and very very self conscious about my size 12 body.
2. He isn't high touch except when he wants sex. I've tried to tell him that I'd appreciate the every day types of hug, kiss, caress for no reason as that generally makes me feel treasured and attractive. Even pre-baby this wasn't him. now that I'm more self conscious, I feel like I need more than ever to know that I am attractive to him not just when he really wants sex.

I love him. He's handsome and in shape but our sex life is a mess.

Totally legit, but fixable.
1) your body image is yours. No one can refute how you feel. But If it makes a difference, his image of you might be far more positive. Sexy is between the ears! I've seen big women and had to pick my jaw up. Not because of clothes, or a pre-kid gym body, but crazy hot because they saw themselves in a certain way. Small things can also help how you feel, like a short power walk each evening (after the ice age ends), stuff like that. Pounds and dress sizes are way less important than how you feel. Trust me I'm a man.

2) yeah, I'm not big toucher, either. Just never was. I find ways that work for me. Hug from behind, goofy handshake. Whatever. Bridge the gap of touch in unique and creative ways. Point is, maybe he can find ways to show he still sees the woman in you...I hope so. Might take a lot of short, uncomfortable talks, but you'll get there.

My husband does a lot around the house, without me asking. He stays up 1-2 hours later than me to clean the kitchen at night and make lunches for us and clean bottles and breast pump parts while I nurse.

I'd rather him come to bed and hold me, but he won't. I offer to split up the chores so we can both get to bed earlier and maybe occasionally have sex while the baby is sleeping, but he prefers to put his headphones on and listen to podcasts without me.

Occasionally he lets me give him a hand job. Out baby is 8 months old and I think we've had sex maybe 5 times since he was born. Funny enough, he commented recently that that seemed like a lot to him. (He only had sex a few times a year in his first marriage.)

We had sex 2-3 times a week before we married, sometimes more. I'd happily have sex as often now, but I'm so hurt and tired of being rejected that I rarely initiate. He never does.

We have sex a lot less than pre-baby, which I think is generally normal. But we would be having sex a lot more if he were a better partner and did more around the house. Not a question of bargaining sex for chores, but when he acts like a dick and then on top of that I only have one hour to myself a day because he doesn't do his share ... I just don't want to.

Some boat as 13:53. My H is a baby in a mans body. He never does anything in the house, can't hit a laundry basket or trash can ever. It doesn't help that he's let himself go. I'd rather take care of myself than positively reinforce his general laziness.

Anonymous wrote:There are a lot of reasons I don't have sex with him. Here are several:

1. when we met, he had rock hard abs & worked out 3-4 times a week. he flossed. he's let himself go physically, gained significant weight & i'm not physically attracted to him anymore.
2. he used to have really good manners. I was very open about being a bit prudish and not finding any sort of toilet humor funny and he respected that when we were dating. Now he'll turn the music down in the car or mute the tv when he farts, he'll scratch and adjust his balls and ass in front of me, will say things like "That log was bigger than the Titanic!" when he exits the bathroom. he belches loudly.
3. he's taken to picking his nose. he doesn't always brush his teeth and I don't think he flosses at all anymore.
4. I'm exhausted. I am "on" from 6am to 10pm or later to get everything done. If the other things weren't an issue I'd rally, but ...
5. I'm angry at him. He never does ANY housework unless other people will clap for him. Which means that if I want him to do anything I need to have company over. Then he'll loudly announce "Sorry to step away; the wife is begging me to empty the trash." He'll tell the kids he's too tired to play after I manage to talk him into putting away the leftovers after dinner or something.
6. He used to be so complimentary and protective in public of me. That's changed. In December we were out with two other couples for dinner, and I got a phone call that my aunt who was like a second mother to me had died unexpectedly. I knew I was going to cry as I apologized to the table for leaving for having taken a call, and again excused myself to the restroom. As I walked away DH told everyone I must be on the rag. He says things like this ALL THE TIME. And ANY time I get upset he asks if I have my period, as if my negative feelings are invalid. Once, just for shits and giggles, I tracked each time he said it and then asked him "Do you realize if I really DID have my period each time you asked that I'd have had my period for 84 straight days?"
7. He brags about "babysitting" the kids. If I leave them all in the den while I go take a shower he will immediately start calling people to announce his babysitting status, post about it on FB, etc. This is after we had lots of talks about equal parenting pre-kids, and what that meant. We have three girls, and almost any time they ask him for anything he will redirect them to me claiming it's a "woman's job" as if real men can't do pigtails or tie shoelaces or put a broken toy back together. I am terrified my girls will grow up thinking this is what marriage should be like and will seek out a man like him.

If he'd stayed the man I got engaged to, I'd be giving it up a few times a week for sure. But I hate this man, and don't even want to hold his hand let alone be naked in front of him.

+1

Here, too. I say, "that's disgusting," and go about my business. And yet, he keeps doing these things.

It is disgusting.

I agree totally with 14:25.

I just have a really low sex drive as I take SSRIs for depression. I now will not take a dose on the days we'll probably have sex, and it helps.

Haven't climaxed with him in 9 years.

Anonymous wrote:As I walked away DH told everyone I must be on the rag.

I'm sorry I had to say this had me laughing - yes its rude and insensitive and callous, but its so outrageous I found myself cracking up wondering what kind of jerk would do that?

Two reasons.
1. I hate my body right now. 3yr post-baby and I'm horribly out of shape and very very self conscious about my size 12 body.
2. He isn't high touch except when he wants sex. I've tried to tell him that I'd appreciate the every day types of hug, kiss, caress for no reason as that generally makes me feel treasured and attractive. Even pre-baby this wasn't him. now that I'm more self conscious, I feel like I need more than ever to know that I am attractive to him not just when he really wants sex.

I love him. He's handsome and in shape but our sex life is a mess.

There are a lot of reasons I don't have sex with him. Here are several:

1. when we met, he had rock hard abs & worked out 3-4 times a week. he flossed. he's let himself go physically, gained significant weight & i'm not physically attracted to him anymore.
2. he used to have really good manners. I was very open about being a bit prudish and not finding any sort of toilet humor funny and he respected that when we were dating. Now he'll turn the music down in the car or mute the tv when he farts, he'll scratch and adjust his balls and ass in front of me, will say things like "That log was bigger than the Titanic!" when he exits the bathroom. he belches loudly.
3. he's taken to picking his nose. he doesn't always brush his teeth and I don't think he flosses at all anymore.
4. I'm exhausted. I am "on" from 6am to 10pm or later to get everything done. If the other things weren't an issue I'd rally, but ...
5. I'm angry at him. He never does ANY housework unless other people will clap for him. Which means that if I want him to do anything I need to have company over. Then he'll loudly announce "Sorry to step away; the wife is begging me to empty the trash." He'll tell the kids he's too tired to play after I manage to talk him into putting away the leftovers after dinner or something.
6. He used to be so complimentary and protective in public of me. That's changed. In December we were out with two other couples for dinner, and I got a phone call that my aunt who was like a second mother to me had died unexpectedly. I knew I was going to cry as I apologized to the table for leaving for having taken a call, and again excused myself to the restroom. As I walked away DH told everyone I must be on the rag. He says things like this ALL THE TIME. And ANY time I get upset he asks if I have my period, as if my negative feelings are invalid. Once, just for shits and giggles, I tracked each time he said it and then asked him "Do you realize if I really DID have my period each time you asked that I'd have had my period for 84 straight days?"
7. He brags about "babysitting" the kids. If I leave them all in the den while I go take a shower he will immediately start calling people to announce his babysitting status, post about it on FB, etc. This is after we had lots of talks about equal parenting pre-kids, and what that meant. We have three girls, and almost any time they ask him for anything he will redirect them to me claiming it's a "woman's job" as if real men can't do pigtails or tie shoelaces or put a broken toy back together. I am terrified my girls will grow up thinking this is what marriage should be like and will seek out a man like him.

If he'd stayed the man I got engaged to, I'd be giving it up a few times a week for sure. But I hate this man, and don't even want to hold his hand let alone be naked in front of him.

My husband would always pick a fight with me an hour or two after we had sex. I could always count on it. Weird.

PS we don't have sex anymore. En route to divorce.

I really hope my DW posts a reply to this. I'd love to know why. If I believed everything I read on DCUM, I'd think that every other married guy was getting laid 3-4 times a week, minimum, while I spent several years on the 5-10 times a year plan.

Sorry about your divorce, and sorrier about your marriage, OP. Sounds like you had a real jerk on your hands. I wonder whether there was any connection between sex and the way he was behaving, though.

Anonymous wrote:he was acting out coz you weren't putting out. It's a vicious cycle.

Nope. I love sex, but not with someone that treats me like a household slave. I did that "experiment" forced myself to have sex with him everyday for a week and he was still verbally abusive.

he was acting out coz you weren't putting out. It's a vicious cycle.

Why?

The other thread had me thinking and actually a little pissed.

Before my divorce, we had sex maybe once a month, maybe. He was treating me like crap, never did a thing around the house, verbally abusive , etc.

Before kids we had sex three times a day, after kids but before our relationship took a turn for the worst 4-5 times a week. He refused counseling, said he would never waste the money or time to go on a date with me, so why the hell would he expect me to put out?