OP - what does "in you work circle" mean? Did you get your job because of your MIL? Do you have any reason to actually CARE what she thinks?

My MIL hangs out with a bunch of hags, and guess how she acts? Do you think any one of them actually like young mothers; or has anything nice to say about them; or remembers what it was like; or has happy memories of any of it? Not one.

Pay no mind.

Don't invest your energies in trying to prove to your MIL's friends what a great person you are, YOUR friends know it and your DH knows it. Drop it.

Let it go and move on.

Anonymous wrote:Do a "Carmella Soprano" and be polite and generous around her friends. Also tell your DH he better grow a pair and set his mother straight about how inappropriate this all is.

Yup.

Let her talk and set up her own drama - it will be her own downfall. Maybe not today or tomorrow, but soon. MIL tries this crap with me. I don't know her "friends" from Adam, so they could not matter less to me, anyway. They are no one to me, not much unlike MIL. A bunch of judgy hags who have had miserable lives, just like MIL. Do they have to make it so obvious?

Decide they don't matter, OP.

Do a "Carmella Soprano" and be polite and generous around her friends. Also tell your DH he better grow a pair and set his mother straight about how inappropriate this all is.

I had this happen and I had DH talk to her about to gossiping or airing her dirty laundry. He reminded her that she is being disrespectful and hurtful to the mother of her grandchildren and that was hurtful to DH.

Anonymous wrote:No the friends are mutual. I run into in my work circle and she knows them because similar age and past. Hard to explain but there is natural overlap.

The troubling part to me is the phrase "in my work circle." If these mutual friends are in any positions of authority over you in your work, or are peers at work and could badmouth you to bosses, or are clients of your work and could somehow jeopardize your job if they give you the cold shoulder -- you need to have a very serious talk with your husband, whose job it is to tell his mother to lay off. (He can inform her that if you lose your job or lose clients or get a bad rep at work due to her, she will be called on to help replace your income!) Whatever he says, it's HIS job, not yours, to deal with her directly, even though she annoys him. The adult child deals with his or her own toxic parents, period, and when needed, shields the spouse who is getting crap from the in-laws.

If these mutual friends do not have any way in which they could impact your work, then be cordial and do not discuss her if they bring her up. "Oh, yes, I saw Sally the other week" and instant change of subject every single time. Big smile, never badmouth her and never try to defend yourself unless they absolutely directly challenge you: "Sally said you did X. Did you?" Then you would have to defend yourself but coolly and professionally: "No, I did not do X. I'm sorry that Sally has misunderstood or gotten the wrong impression of things, but I did not do X and will be sure to ask her about her discussions with others. Thanks for letting me know so I can address what seems to be a misunderstanding." But don't go there unless it's lobbed at you directly.

Otherwise: Don't entertain her or FIL or these mutual friends. Be too busy. I think you need friends outside the work/MIL circle anyway. Do things you want to do, activities outside home, which leaves you less time to think about MIL and her nonsense. You say your husband doesn't like to have them over anyway. You and he can find some activities together. Why do you feel obliged to host dinners etc? Again -- is this work related??

Learn how to cut her.

In that case I would tell my husband he needs to nip this in the bud now. His mother is impacting your professional life, your career.

No the friends are mutual. I run into in my work circle and she knows them because similar age and past. Hard to explain but there is natural overlap.

Where in the world do you see MIL's friends? Why would you invite her friends over to dinner? I would work on getting your own social circle.

Ignore MIL, and when you speak to common acquaintances, never criticize your MIL in any way whatsoever, and always be polite.

This is the best way to make them see that the crazy one is MIL.

Been there, done that.

My MIL does this to me. I generally ignore it. I don't care what her friends think of me. DH is free to have his relationship with her.

The latter. Don't engage in her drama. Let your husband deal with her.

What do I do? She wants to be closer to dh but he is tired her of her selfish nature and the way she controls fil. But mil tells mutual acquaintances that I'm too blame because she can't say negative things about her dear son. He wants to keep his distance from her and just be polite in public but she says it's me keeping her away from our condo for dinners etc. lately her friends have given me the cold shouldn't when they were sweet in the past. I can't invite her over because dh gets annoyed with htt around and though I can tolerate it , I hate the negative energy left brhind when we interact with her.
I cannot control what she says about me. I'm conveniently the bad dil that fails to bring her and dh together . Fil is step dad so very much uninvolved. Dh has a sister but she is married and lives in Australia.
Do I try to host dinners and let people see I'm not a monster to her? Or do I just drop it all and accept I can't control what she says nor what people think??