Anonymous wrote:Honestly, given that you describe his family as abusive, I would opt out - or stay nearby and rent your own place, spend a couple of hours a day with them. Yes, it will rock the boat, but the alternative is being miserable all week long, right? No thanks. Alternatively, if it's feasible (i.e. a car ride away vs. a plane ride, or if you have the money) choose to go for a weekend and not the entire week.

It is your vacation too. It is not a vacation to have the whole family crunched up into one bed.

Anonymous wrote:OP you need to tell your DH that he can choose: You all rent a condo/hotel, or you go somewhere else and have a real vacation, and pay for the ticket to fly your MIL to your place sometime.

Don't enable your DH to engage in unhealthy behavior. Allowing himself and his family to be put in a tiny bed etc. is unhealthy behavior. Help your DH make healthy decisions. (at least that's how to pitch it to him! )

Don't vacation with abusive people. This a bigger problem than just the room.

Another vote for getting your own space. Remain positive about the experience of spending time together but simply say, "We just always feel underfoot with all 4 of us plus so many guests coming in and out. This way we can visit and hang out with you but scoot off when we need to get showers or head to bed. (Name of guest who left) can use our room this year."

Honestly, given that you describe his family as abusive, I would opt out - or stay nearby and rent your own place, spend a couple of hours a day with them. Yes, it will rock the boat, but the alternative is being miserable all week long, right? No thanks. Alternatively, if it's feasible (i.e. a car ride away vs. a plane ride, or if you have the money) choose to go for a weekend and not the entire week.

OP you need to tell your DH that he can choose: You all rent a condo/hotel, or you go somewhere else and have a real vacation, and pay for the ticket to fly your MIL to your place sometime.

Don't enable your DH to engage in unhealthy behavior. Allowing himself and his family to be put in a tiny bed etc. is unhealthy behavior. Help your DH make healthy decisions. (at least that's how to pitch it to him! )

Shouldn't the girls be together and the boys be together? They are related, after all. At least the siblings? I can't see mixing after age 5.

Get your own place close by. It's not that complicated, just do it.

How old are your kids OP? After early elementary, I think your 2 kids should get a room of their own. Put the kids in the smallest rooms or rent a house with a room that has 2 sets of bunk beds and put all the cousins in there.

OP again. After a majority number of years, would YOU be okay with the worst room in the house?

OP here. Sorry, I should clarify. DH is from an abusive birth family and old habits do not die hard - they don't even die. Should I just step in and rent a suite for our nuclear family somewhere?

I know this create a HUGE to do - spoken or unspoken. But I just don't see putting up with the elephant in the room, so to speak. They are GREAT at deflecting.

DH wants to suck it up, as part of his abused past. Right now, our kids don't want to go, understandably, which may be the vote we need. They did not really get to sleep well all week, which was no vacation for them (4 grown people in a queen bed? Really?)

If they do go, it is because their friends are there the same week, and they want to see them on vacation. Last year, their friends took them in a few nights, but it is their vacation too. I really would not expect acquaintances to be more generous and thoughtful than blood!

It feels like they don't want us there. I just don't want my kids to get that message, for obvious reasons. What kind of people are these? Wow.

I hate the thought of spending vacation this way. i am trying to do the right thing, but I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. This is not the first time with this group. As if they enjoy having more "victims". I certainly do not want my kids to play a part.

Just because someone is single does not mean you should get the nice master with a view while they get stuck in the crummy small room in the basement.

Rent your own condo nearby

I would get clear commitments from your SIL to reserve either a large room for your whole family or two rooms. If, upon arrival, the room(s) are not adequate to fit everyone, you leave for a hotel and contribute no costs to the rented place.

I wouldn't go under those conditions. You can visit the ILs at a more conducive time for everyone's comfort.

Or go every other year and/or for a few days and stay in a hotel...figure out some boundaries!

I would send them alone or make a clear expectation that you need a room that will fit your family size. Or, get a hotel nearby.

Do you still go? We have other opportunities for vacation, and very limited time. The problem is, the parents are not getting any younger. I don't want to be that spouse (like DH was) to have him miss their parents "last vacation" (thought there really is no way of knowing, realistically).

There never seems to be enough room for who MIL invites (clueless), and there is always one person in the huge (biggest) rooms and us 4 in the smallest room. Last year, our twin air mattress wouldn't even fit! Also, guest left because they had to sleep in a hallway. WHO invites people to sleep in a hallway!!??

We can't go early and "claim" a room, because we have to work, we don't have a choice. SIL who does NOT have to work is great at allocating the big rooms to singles, and she gets the biggest room (naturally, which tells you how the rest of the week goes).

Maybe I should just send DH and the kids. But that would feel weird to me. I have never been without my kids! What would I do without my family for the week?