Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 15:55     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Anonymous wrote:Let me just start ofF by saying I dislike my SIL very much. The reasons are many..way too much to share on here. Recently my BRo shared with the family that she has a drinking Problem. They have been married three years. He threatened to leave her and although we dislike her, we all encouraged him to stay .Two months later, I see pictures of her taking shots with him by her side and she drinks wine at all the family functions. I'm not sure if my bro is trYing to push her over the edge or if he somehow thinks its right for her to still consume alcohol but only when they are together. It's really odd. Just a few months ago he was ready to leave her because she promised she wasn't drinking anymore and he found out this wasn't true. Evidentially, he knew she was in AA before they were married. Thoughts?


You don't like her, there's no kids it seems, and she's having problems staying on the wagon.

Why'd you encourage her to stay with her, and why do you offer her wine at family functions?
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 11:17     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Why did you all suggest he stay if she is terrible and he wants to leave her? Do you somehow think he should solve her drinking problem? BEcause that is not possible.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 11:16     Subject: Re:Bro is an enabler
Your brother may be an alcoholic or becoming an alcoholic as well. Don't criticize, but listen, ask how his job is, etc. if it becomes apparent through job loss or something else that he needs help, hold an intervention. Until he hits rock bottom there is nothing you can do.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 11:06     Subject: Re:Bro is an enabler
He's not the kind of person that takes advice. He often marches to the beat of his own drum. This is why I find this thing so perplexing. The fact that he listened to us and decided to stay


So there's really nothing more you can do than MYOB. Your brother is not a child. He knows how you feel, he knows his wife and he made his decision. Trying to sway him to a different decision will just lead him to avoid you. Be there to support him if he changes is mind but don't encourage/push him.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 10:44     Subject: Bro is an enabler
MYOB, your brother chose to marry her and they are adults. I get that she seems shady but not your business. Your brother chose her although your family "warned him about her" kwim. His business.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 10:39     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Anonymous wrote:You can only do so much- if you pull him aside and school him on all of her flaws as a potential spouse- this could cause a big rift and backlash. Regardless of what anyone says, he sounds determined to bind his fate with hers.


Yeah, everyone in the family warned him about her (for her other issues) long before they chose to get married, but he's headstrong and decided that he would marry her anyway. There was much backlash behind this and quite the family quarrel.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 10:36     Subject: Bro is an enabler
OP here- I also feel somewhat sorry for SIL if this is the case. I may not like her....but taking alcohol from your hubby when you begged him to come home months ago and after you told him you would " get help" makes me think your really gullible..
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 10:33     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Anonymous wrote:You can't stage manage their lives and her addiction. Even if she went into Rehab, she could have many setbacks. She might have tried sobriety and failed. He may be a drinker too. You don't know what's going on there.



OP here-I think she is co-dependent on him for sure. But I don't think he depends on her a whole lot. I think he doesn't want to throw away the marriage and that he loves her. I don't think he has a drinking problem at all.
He's not the kind of person that takes advice. He often marches to the beat of his own drum. This is why I find this thing so perplexing. The fact that he listened to us and decided to stay. It's almost as if he's trying to get her to a place where she becomes a bona fide alcoholic so he can feel "justified" in leaving her. Maybe I'm Reaching here...but I'm so confused. To see my brother go from angry and tearful to this all in a matter of a few months is just ..weird.
Anonymous
Post 01/20/2014 06:12     Subject: Bro is an enabler
You can't stage manage their lives and her addiction. Even if she went into Rehab, she could have many setbacks. She might have tried sobriety and failed. He may be a drinker too. You don't know what's going on there.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:52     Subject: Re:Bro is an enabler
He must think he would be lost without her. Have seen that on Intervention a couple times. The partner is the enabler because s/he is somehow dependent on the addict.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 22:27     Subject: Bro is an enabler
You can only do so much- if you pull him aside and school him on all of her flaws as a potential spouse- this could cause a big rift and backlash. Regardless of what anyone says, he sounds determined to bind his fate with hers.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:58     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Anonymous wrote:Why don't you ask him?

I would tell him to hold off having children with this lady.



Op here-can't ask him. My hubby wants me to stay out of it, especially since she and I don't have the best relationship. Mom blames her for being stupid and drinking the wine given to her at the family function dinner by my bro.


He did say that he felt like he couldn't trust her around their future kids with her problem and all but he isn't helping.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:49     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Why don't you ask him?

I would tell him to hold off having children with this lady.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:48     Subject: Bro is an enabler
He probably figured that no one was on his side so if you can't beat 'em, join 'em.
Anonymous
Post 01/19/2014 21:16     Subject: Bro is an enabler
Let me just start ofF by saying I dislike my SIL very much. The reasons are many..way too much to share on here. Recently my BRo shared with the family that she has a drinking Problem. They have been married three years. He threatened to leave her and although we dislike her, we all encouraged him to stay .Two months later, I see pictures of her taking shots with him by her side and she drinks wine at all the family functions. I'm not sure if my bro is trYing to push her over the edge or if he somehow thinks its right for her to still consume alcohol but only when they are together. It's really odd. Just a few months ago he was ready to leave her because she promised she wasn't drinking anymore and he found out this wasn't true. Evidentially, he knew she was in AA before they were married. Thoughts?