Counseling first. Then you'll know if there's a fighting chance to save the marriage. If you divorce, you know you tried everything.

Have you gone away alone for a few days?

Depends on how much you are both willing to invest in making changes & letting go.

If I had the money right now I'd file for divorce tomorrow. No therapy, I want out.

I am contemplating divorce, and while I think we cannot be happy in our marriage no matter what we do (we can just get along better than we do now, but that's anything but a happy fulfilled marriage), I also think therapy will give me a better understanding of why I chose someone who was clearly very different from me and for whom I had so many reservations.
Hopefully it will help me understand how to make better choices.

Everyone I know who is divorced went to counseling. Everyone agrees that it was a huge waste of money.

Personally I regret counseling because it kept me in a terrible marriage for eight extra years. It just kept limping along, and my husband was terrible to me in retrospect. I should have left him right away.

I don't think there's anything wrong with trying it, but I wouldn't do it for long if there are no immediate (or lasting) improvements.

Anonymous wrote:Actually, many insurance plans do not cover couples counseling. At least, no one I know has managed to get it covered. Check your plan to make sure.

My therapist (for non marriage related issues) is always happy to have my husband tag along for visits if I think it will be beneficial. She just bills it as a normal visit as best as I can tell.

Worth asking about.

I went to my insurance page to find a counselor, so I only chose from ones I knew took my insurance. There were still dozens of options within a couple miles of my home. It wasn't too hard to find someone competent since my issues are pretty main stream.

My divorce lawyer recommended a counsellor to speak with to see if we could work out our issues before proceeding with the divorce. We couldn't, but since the therapist knew both of us -- she helped us work out temporary custody and was able to act as a "mediator" on several issues regarding DS. Heck of a lot cheaper than lawyers -- and less adversarial.

I think that the counseling may not change the outcome, but it can make the divorce easier. If you use a couple's counsellor and decide to divorce, they can often help you to work out custody and temporary living/asset separation agreements. In the long run, you don't have to do much counseling to understand whether you want to stay together or divorce. It's worth doing what you can to see if you can make it work, mostly because you will feel better about the whole divorce later on. You can look your kids in the eye and tell them that you tried.

Counseling first -- couple and individual.

I am divorced. While I do believe my divorce was the right decision in the long run (and there wasn't any abuse or anything like that), I do wish we had sought counseling first. We did not have kids together, but looking back, I don't feel like I did everything I could to try and save the marriage, and I regret that.

When you have kids, I think you owe it to them to give it your best shot to maintain or restore a healthy marriage and keep the household intact. So I'd vote for counseling first. Individual and/or couples therapy.

That doesn't mean take divorce off the table. It may end up being the only viable option. But try your best, first, to get back to a good marriage.

Actually, many insurance plans do not cover couples counseling. At least, no one I know has managed to get it covered. Check your plan to make sure. Many therapists also do not take insurance, so you will have to submit for reimbursement and only receive out of network reimbursement, which is often a small fraction of the total cost.

It can still be worth it if you do want to improve your relationship. Even if you do divorce, it can help set up a future of more amicable co-parenting. That said, to gave a benefit, both people need to be committed to it. If not, then do individual counseling instead to learn coping and communication strategies.

OP, those are very good questions. Why are YOU arguing, and why are YOU mean to your DH?

I think counseling is always a good choice. It helps you understand why you make the decisions you do, so even if things still fall apart, you can prevent making the same choices next time.

Plus, most insurance pays for it. For just your copay, I think you owe it to your kid to try.

Does it do anything besides just delay the inevitable and put money in someone's pocket? Now the 4yr old knows we're arguing and is asking why we're mean to each other.