OP, I think you have to win over DH first. I would also prefer a hotel when we visit his family, but as he (correctly) points out, neither of us wants to stay in a hotel when visiting mine. There are some family dynamics at work that make this true, but until my DH wants to stay in a hotel, I think we're staying at my IL's.

The only time we've stayed in a hotel has been when my BIL and SIL are visiting, too, and we can't all fit.

If and when DH agrees to give it a try, I think you have great advice here--tell them, "we booked a room at XYZ for our next visit." If there's a question about why, you can use the excuse of a pool, location/proximity to some attraction, nap/sleep schedules, hotel gym, rewards points...but I wouldn't start the discussion with any of those.

We said that we wanted to stay downtown one night, instead of the 'burbs, and explained that we got a great LivingSocial deal for one night at the hotel.

We claimed that the front desk offered us a great rate for a second night when we checked in. The plan worked beautifully. Now we stay at a hotel everytime we visit my in-laws.

It did help that my husband was the one who wanted to start staying at hotels when visiting his family.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Grandma here. Don't discount the possibility that your parents may be delighted. Wouldn't want to kick you out, but SO relieved.

Love it. Thank you for this point of view. OP, your ILs may be secretly wondering the same thing.

+1. Just be there for the important times and they will be happy.

Anonymous wrote:Grandma here. Don't discount the possibility that your parents may be delighted. Wouldn't want to kick you out, but SO relieved.

Love it. Thank you for this point of view. OP, your ILs may be secretly wondering the same thing.

We did. I finally couldn't take the smoke anymore. Never looked back.

I just said we needed more room, no questions asked

Grandma here. Don't discount the possibility that your parents may be delighted. Wouldn't want to kick you out, but SO relieved.

We blamed the first time on reward points that were about to expire and never looked back.

OP, here. Thanks for the helpful responses. Also, 22:33 makes me realize I should qualify: I haven't been able to convince my DH that it wouldn't offend his parents if we don't stay with them. Also, it's the house my DH grew up in, so he's a bit blind to the downsides.

For this situation, I think the pool excuse might be a good sell. We don't have a pool and neither do my ILs, and I'm trying to get the kids swimming some more….

Please. You are an adult? Book the room and be done with it. I am sure everyone will be happy. No one really likes house guests.

I dreaded making the switch when we visit my parents over the holidays because my mother has always been insistent that everyone wake up in the house on Christmas morning and really just likes hosting everyone. But as the family has grown and the older grandkids reached adulthood it just became too crowded, plus my husband frequently needs a quiet place to work. Once we did it there was no going back, and even my mother appreciates the new normal. The kids get to swim out their energy in the hotel pool, there's less need to share bathrooms, DH can have his conference calls in peace...we should have done it sooner.

We started staying at a hotel about 15 years ago whenever we visit my parents. All I did the first time (and ever since) was say we're staying at such and such hotel. There was no other conversation. I figured we're adults and we can stay wherever we please.

What's the worse thing that would happen if you just informed them you'd booked a hotel?

We did a number of years ago, it wasn't as big a deal as I feared.

We transitioned from staying at my parents to staying at a condo about 10 minutes away. Found it on a vacation rental sight. We just said we needed more space with 2 kids. During the day, we went over to my parents' place and hung out there. For naps we went back to our place.

After the holidays, where we stayed with relatives, and now again for the long weekend, we are staying with other relatives, I think I'd rather pay the $$ for a hotel and just be able to have my own counter space and be able to turn up the thermostat so I'm not cold, and find something other than pizza to eat (I'm on weight watchers and it's just impossible). I am very appreciative of my relatives and am lucky that our family can stay with them, but I'd really like a little more control and be in a space that I can feel is my own.

But I've never heard of anyone who has successfully gone from a pattern of staying, say at their IL's house, to staying at a nearby hotel without ruffling feathers.

Have any of you successfully navigated this? If so, I'd love to hear how you did it and any tips or tricks.
thanks!