OP here - Thank you all for your advice to go! It was my feeling, but validation from those who have been there is very helpful even if only through the internet. That is perhaps better because in person I would dissolve into tears talking about it out loud. I will hit one year soon at my job, so I will not be eligible for FMLA until then, but I know they are flexible if I need to take them time away anyways.

My parents are being well cared for and are in a good community with many friends, I couldn't ask them to move here where they have no connections or friends but us. They hate that we live so far away - and sometimes so do I!

Anonymous wrote:I took FMLA and went home. My dad slept the first 2 days I was home, was awake and semi coherent the next 3, then asked if I had everything I needed. I told him I had enough to figure out the rest (taking care of stepmom stuff). He slept te next to days and then died. He was happy to be home and happy to have me home. I wouldn't suggest moving your family members. Go to them. If you've been at your position for a year, you are eligible for FMLA.

OP, this. Please check into your FMLA rights if you work outside the home. (Your employer has to be a certain size, I think 50 or more employees, to be required to give it to you but PLEASE check that and find out your rights). This is what FMLA is for and you have a right to use it.

Do not hesitate to take time away from your kids and job and get out there. I hope you have a supportive spouse who will handle the kid stuff etc. while you go. I wish I had left my kindergartener for more time while my own mom was dying -- my husband would have handled it just fine and so would my kid. I did get to see my mom a good amount but could have done more pretty easily if I had just realized that her time was short. If you already know that your parent's time is short -- use that knowledge and go.

If there are care issues, as in there is no spouse or adult child or other primary caregiver where your parent is right now -- that creates a far more urgent situation and definitely requires you to get out there if you are the child who will have to make legal, medical, residential or end-of-life decisions. If that is not the case, still go as much as you feel you need to go -- NOT "as much as you can" because we all think we are indispensable and we "can" not be spared enough.

You "have a life here" but that life will continue for your family here if you are not there all the time, and it will continue for all of you after your parent dies. That is going to happen in a pretty finite time. So why not use that time, knowing that your life here will pick up again all too soon?

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance your parent can have their terminal care provided here, and that they can stay with you or at least locally?

Can you fly out there, and help transfer them closer to you OP?

Who wants to move while ill. I would not want to move across country away from my doctors and friends for my kids. It is what it is. Painful but the end of life is hard. I hope to be lucky enough to afford great care where I am currently living. I understand that my kids have jobs and kids. Please do not presume anything about elderly parents.

I don't have advice but I have sympathy. My MIL was given a year to live three months ago and they are moving her into hospice now across the country. She has no other family but DH and we are working through what to do given the inability to know the timing and just catch a flight on a whim with young kids and jobs while still paying our bills and the eventual end-of-life expenses. It is incredibly stressful and I feel like there is no right answer. Hugs for everyone in this awful situation.

I took FMLA and went home. My dad slept the first 2 days I was home, was awake and semi coherent the next 3, then asked if I had everything I needed. I told him I had enough to figure out the rest (taking care of stepmom stuff). He slept te next to days and then died. He was happy to be home and happy to have me home. I wouldn't suggest moving your family members. Go to them. If you've been at your position for a year, you are eligible for FMLA.

My father lived 10 hours drive away and a tough transfer plane ride. It was really hard but I could not image taking him away from his home to be closer me -- bad advice from someone -- anyway, after the shock of the diagnosis I made the trip on Wednesday after work and left Sunday night after Dad went to sleep. We had expected it to be 6 months but sadly it was just 4 weeks. I have 3 kids and a fulltime job. It is hard to leave your life on hold but believe me, it will go by too fast and you will regret not making the biggest effort you can. Of course I will always regret not just taking FMLA and being there the entire time.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry, OP. I'm going through this righ now with my terminally ill sister. Fortunately she has a friend who's agreed to stay with her and we have aides and hospice there every day, but it's been really hard. I have two jobs in DC and two kids at home, so moving out there myself wasn't an option. I've been on the phone constantly and flying up to Boston weekends.

DH and his siblings took FEMLA leave and took turns.

Personally, I'd probably put everything on hold to be with them, but part of that decision depends on the prognosis. How long do doctors expect them to live? And I'm so sorry OP.

I dread this moment, OP. I'm an only child and my parents live in Europe.

Good luck.

Anonymous wrote:Is there any chance your parent can have their terminal care provided here, and that they can stay with you or at least locally?

Can you fly out there, and help transfer them closer to you OP?

Ridiculous advice to move a terminally ill patient away from all that is familiar. Take time off and go and spend it with them. Talk to them everyday, send cards but do not but do not tame them away from tbeir homes. This person is dying and it all about them, not you PP., so behave accordi.gly.

If your parents safety needs are being met, there's not much you can do. They may not want to think of you putting your life on hold for them - for their expected aging and eventual dying. You can use some family-leave time to visit. Our kids understood that Christmas, many other vacation holidays would be spent at the nursing home 400miles away. The kids learned charity. Call often - daily if you can, skype maybe. Get to know a nurse at their location who can give you reliable info (within the privacy guidelines) Get your parents to ok this.

Is there any chance your parent can have their terminal care provided here, and that they can stay with you or at least locally?

Can you fly out there, and help transfer them closer to you OP?

Who is providing their care?

DC has people from all over so I know I am not alone in this. What do you do when terminal illness hits on the other side of the country? I feel so guilty that I can't be there every second and am not sure what I can do because we have a life here. We have DC jobs, kids in school etc.