My brother and his wife split up when their kids were 3 and 1. His wife was given primary custody and he officially had every other weekend but the kids ended up spending more time at his place than their moms. Going back and forth was really hard on the kids - maybe partly because they were at dad's when mom didn't want them and at their moms when she did - so there wasn't a set schedule. My brother tried for years to get primary custody but the courts at the time were still very pro-mothers and it took years - they were 10 and 12 when he finally got custody. They then saw their mom regularly but on a schedule and this worked much better for everyone.

A friend of mine has joint custody with her ex and it works great. They live less than 5 minutes apart and the kids rotate one week at each place (kids are 6 and 10). They see the other parent often during the week as they co-parent. So one takes one kid to soccer and the other takes the other to ballet. If they need or want something form the other house it is easy to stop by and their friends and activities are all in the same neighborhood, regardless of whose house they are at. They also are very flexible with the schedule so if one is traveling or needs a night away, the other is there. There have been a couple rough patches when new partners have been integrated in but overall it has worked great.

I think it is easier if they split early.

My dh parents divorced when he was 18 months to two years. He doesn't remember it and doesn't feel it affected him much. His older brother was five and feels it was extremely traumatizing, doesn't speak to the dad, etc.

Do you think it's easier if this is only thing she ever knows (if we split before she's 2)? Or is it hard regardless?

Same neighborhood makes a huge difference. DC thinks it's a drag but doesn't want to have one place as a home. Also email and cell phones mean no hassles over reaching a two-household tween/teen.

My best friend growing up hated going back and forth between her parents' homes and when she became a teen she successfully argued to live in one place and quit the back and forth. So first she was with her mom til about 10th or 11th grade, didn't get along w/mom and new stepdad so she moved into her dad's home til going away to college. One parent lived in Va and one in DC at the time so even though it was just 20 minutes apart, it was different schools/friends etc which was a hassle.

Anonymous wrote:True. Going back and forth is terrible. Loved when we had mom as home base and saw dad regularly every other weekend or so and a few weeks in summer.

Going back and forth was definitely the worst part of my parents divorce. They got along well so there wasn't any real stress but my friends never knew where to find me (probably alleviated by today's technology), I was forever leaving things like my soccer jersey at one house and then needing it while at the other house and I missed my friends when at my dad's house. Living in the same neighborhood would definitely be a plus in my book.

I did not grow up with joint custody.

It's *possible,* but unlikely, my kid is completely bullshitting me, but he's been living in a very consistent joint custody situation for the vast majority of his life with two very involved and civil parents who live in the same neighborhood, with friends who are in similar situations. He has expressed that although going back and forth is weird sometimes, he wouldn't want to see either one of us less than he does, and is generally a-ok.

You people should speak up for the sake of today's children. That was my instinct, for my child, but the system really pushes the two-household model, in mediation as well as in court.

True. Going back and forth is terrible. Loved when we had mom as home base and saw dad regularly every other weekend or so and a few weeks in summer.

my parents forced it, and my siblings and i protested frequently and loudly for years, YEARS! I TELL YOU, until they finally listened until they allowed us to live in one place.

I can not stress how much we hated it.

Not really. That was enough time for both of us. He came to most of the important events too but I liked knowing that I had a home base.

20:20: Do you feel you missed out on anything by seeing your father as described?

I had 2 or 3 friends growing up whose parents had joint custody. My parents divorced too but we visited my dad every other weekend and occasional days during the week. My friends never liked going back and forth so frequently. They would tell me that they wished they could stay in one place like my brother and I did.

Kids have different levels of resiliency, of course, but I think the most important thing is to see parents get along and respect each other. It sounds like you're on track for that.

I was 6yo when my parents divorced. Post-divorce wasn't contentious, but I was always aware that their marriage - had it continued - would have been miserable for everyone.

And I grew up really proud that my mom was able to make a new life for us.

Hoping this is the most appropriate place to post this.

If your parents divorced and had joint custody, how did you feel about it? Were you stressed by the shuffle or was it normal?

H and I are considering divorce if this last round of therapy doesn't work. It would be as amicable as possible and we would live walking distance from one another if possible. We have 18 month old. Somehow, I have no friends who are divorced or grew up in joint custody households, so I'm hoping some folks can share their experiences. Emotional health of kid is our main concern. I am a product of my parents' second marriage, so I am hopeful about good things.

Thanks.