Anonymous wrote:My husband is selfish, completely lacking in empathy, and is never wrong. He is emotionally unsupportive at best. However, he's a great dad, good provider. We've been married ten years and it seems unfathomable to divorce, seperate homes, finances etc. I have a stable career and am a pretty great person. I can't seem to let go of past arguments and the fact that he refuses to "hear" me (leaves me with two sick kids to go with friends, gets drunk and can't get out of bed when we have a newborn, claims I'm ok to drive 5 days after a c section). Sometimes I feel like I'm just emotional and needy, but mostly in disbelief in his insensitivity. We are seeing a therapist but I think I am done. Thoughts? What is my future? I'm very confident but terrified and mostly sad for what could have been. We have two kids 8 and 5 months.

are these three instances over the course of the 8 years your kids have been alive?

you admit a) he is a great dad and b) that you harbor lingering resentments

the drive 5 days after a c section thing seems bad, but is the guy not allowed to get drunk once in a long while? or to go out at all when the kids are sick? were they colds or deep in throes of influenza?

some perspective could be useful, just like what the other posted provided regarding married v separated.

Anonymous wrote:you sound spoiled, needy and in need of maturing. So is he. You're definitely similar, so just stfu and deal with life.

Please explain how I sound spoiled or needy? I am truly interested.

Anonymous wrote:Um, i wouldn't let him off that easy when you have a 5 month old. I'd suggest waiting another year before leaving. I left with a 7 month old and it was a beast.

I agree with PP. I was ready to leave DH when my younger one was 5 months, but. I knew it would be hard to do it alone with a 5 month old and a 22 month old so I stuck it out for 13 more months and then filed for divorce. The time went by quick but I am glad I waited it out. Much easier with an almost 3 year old and a 18 month old. They were both potty trained and were(still are) very well- behaved.

you sound spoiled, needy and in need of maturing. So is he. You're definitely similar, so just stfu and deal with life.

Emotionally Focused Therapy is the only thing that has a chance of fixing this, IMO. You are not connecting, hearing or understanding each other - it may be one way or both ways, but you need to understand the dynamic you're in before you can fix it or decide that it can't be fixed.

Anonymous wrote:Let's be clear. He's not a great dad.

First thing that popped into my mind!

OP, I'm in a similar situation. I've finally realized I will never love DH again. I will never like or respect him as a person. He's never going to change. 9:11 makes some really good points. I've already done some serious reflection on those points and am starting to conclude I am better off without him. I'll be checking this thread with interest. Good luck to you, OP.

Anonymous wrote:Let's be clear. He's not a great dad.

Yeah, I'm not sure how he can be. As those kids get older he will treat them the same way he treats you.

I'm not saying don't divorce him, but have you tried therapy by yourself? A good therapist could give you advice on managing some of this atrocious (and it is) behavior. Not that you can change him, but sometimes changing the way you interact with him may result in his being less of an ass. Or at least reducing his negative influence on the whole household.

Imagine your life without your husband. What will your visitation look like. Where will you live. How will your life change when you are down to one income and whatever child support you will get. Can you manage everything yourself or will you have to hire extra help. Will you like your life when you are alone - not that you'll ever separate completely because you have kids together.

I found that after living the reality of being separated and divorcing, it was much easier to forgive. It's not easy on the kids. It's exhausting, especially if you have primary or sole custody. It takes a toll on your job because you're even more on call for your kids than when there was another parent theoretically equally involved - mine wasn't equally involved, but until I was separated, I wasn't 100% the one who had to drop everything when a kid got sick or needed something. It takes a toll on your relationship with your kids because you are so busy doing 100% of what has to be done instead of splitting the must dos, which leaves you less time for the fun stuff with the kids. It leaves you with less money for kids activities, tutoring, vacations and whatever else you would have had money to spend on. It also leaves you with less time to get your kids to places your want them or they need to go.

Most relationships are something less than perfect and take work. And, no person is perfect. No matter who you are with, they are going to do insensitive things and sometimes be a downright clod. And, sometimes you will too. So, at some point you have to learn to forgive and look forward instead of dwelling on the past.

I don't know if your marriage is worth saving. But, in the end, after over a year of separation and tens of thousands of dollars on lawyers, I reached the conclusion mine was and that I and the kids are happier and better for the work that it took to put things back together.

Good luck, OP, in whatever you decide.

Um, i wouldn't let him off that easy when you have a 5 month old. I'd suggest waiting another year before leaving. I left with a 7 month old and it was a beast.

Try Imago therapy, if you loved him once.

Maybe separate first?
Also, he lacks qualities of a great dad.

Let's be clear. He's not a great dad.

I'm worried about your children being so little. What's happening with his alchoholism? Can you get a better marriage therapist? Have you tried Imago?

My husband is selfish, completely lacking in empathy, and is never wrong. He is emotionally unsupportive at best. However, he's a great dad, good provider. We've been married ten years and it seems unfathomable to divorce, seperate homes, finances etc. I have a stable career and am a pretty great person. I can't seem to let go of past arguments and the fact that he refuses to "hear" me (leaves me with two sick kids to go with friends, gets drunk and can't get out of bed when we have a newborn, claims I'm ok to drive 5 days after a c section). Sometimes I feel like I'm just emotional and needy, but mostly in disbelief in his insensitivity. We are seeing a therapist but I think I am done. Thoughts? What is my future? I'm very confident but terrified and mostly sad for what could have been. We have two kids 8 and 5 months.