My mother is extremely cruel but without using vulgar language. She just says horrible things all the time, mostly putting everyone around her down. When she does I call her out on it on the spot and identify what she is doing. "Why would you say that? What is wrong with you? Why would you say something so mean? How do you expect everyone to respect you when you say something like that?" It semi-works in that it stops her on the spot but she does not change over time.

Anonymous wrote:Say, "I'm hanging up the phone (or leaving) because you are being abusive. I'll talk with you when you can do so respectfully."

Then immediately hang up or walk out. Even if she says, "okay, I'll stop..." walk out the first 15 times so she gets that she doesn't get to do this at all and that she needs to stop BEFORE she becomes abusive.

Yes - the key is to point out the behavior. She may not grasp the intensity of what she's doing so make it known. Every single time. Be calm and repeat every time it's an issue. Tell her to contact you when she's calm.

Say, "I'm hanging up the phone (or leaving) because you are being abusive. I'll talk with you when you can do so respectfully."

Then immediately hang up or walk out. Even if she says, "okay, I'll stop..." walk out the first 15 times so she gets that she doesn't get to do this at all and that she needs to stop BEFORE she becomes abusive.

My step MIL is like this and our last trip there was very difficult. I want to "walk away" but my husband wants a relationship with his dad...can't have one without the other. So I am thinking the same thoughts you are... PP, what books?

My mother is the same. She has always been this way, but seems to be getting worse as she ages. I'm sorry you're dealing with this OP. It is incredibly emotionally draining no matter how much you try to let it roll off you. I found a couple books on borderline personality disorder helpful.

Do not indulge her. Set boundaries. When she treats you this way, if you cannot have a conversation with her, you end the interaction. If she persists, you limit your interactions with her until she gets her stuff together. And, if she doesn't then that is her choice. I've not interacted with my abusive father in 10 years and it just had to be that way. I told him how I feld ad nauseum. Thus, it's his choice.

Has she always been this way?

Pp is right, can you put physical distance between yourselves?

Walk away.

My mother, it seems, doesn't know how to treat me like a normal human being. When I don't do immediately do something that she wants me to do (even if I tell her politely that I have something else that I need to do beforehand), she goes off like a total nutcase and starts cursing/yelling. It's incredibly emotionally taxing. Does anyone have any tips to deal with this?