Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:52     Subject: Resenting my wife
OP here. Really appreciate the views shared. I am trying to come to accept my wife as being a permanent SAH, though it's not our original agreement. House we bought was on the promise from her that she'd return to work. If this doesn't happen, our expenses are too high for my income. So I was thinking to tell her that if things don't change in 18 months we would sell the house, and adjust our lifestyle accordingly. I realize this sounds like an ultimatum which I would avoid but that's the gist. I admit it is 95% a money issue and 5% a principle issue.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:49     Subject: Resenting my wife
I seriously can't imagine "sticking" one spouse with being the sole provider when that spouse isn't on board. We moved more than I would have liked in the last 7 years, and each time we moved for my husband's job I busted my ass to get work so he wasn't left being the only breadwinner. He doesn't want it, and so how could I want it? (I actually want to work, but it wasn't always easy finding a job in this market). I think that sucks for you OP, and I'm sorry.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:22     Subject: Resenting my wife
The SAHM gravy train only works if the DH is pulling in serious money. Else, it is endless grind with managing the house, raising the kids and no money at all.

Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:13     Subject: Resenting my wife
Hey, OP. I was married to someone - professional female - who decided the SAHW gig was a good one and when we were nearing the child leaving the nest started pining for another. That's when I got the vasectomy, and later the divorce. Good luck to you. I feel for you bro'. It's a lot of pressure to have to be the sole provider for a family, and then have it not even understood and appreciated by the the "overworked" SAHW.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:09     Subject: Resenting my wife
OP - You married a lemon. Prepare for a third kid down the road, so your DW can milk the SAHM gravy train as long as possible.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 21:03     Subject: Resenting my wife
Anonymous wrote:I decided I would wait until my husband was consistently doing 1/2 of the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and childcare before I took an outside job. It never happened. I didn't think it would. I sure wasn't going to get stuck working full time and doing almost all of the duties at home. Not saying your wife is doing this consciously, like I did. But, for one thing, you could have kept your pants on and not complicated the situation further. Suggest you make peace with having a SAH wife.


Pretty sneaky pp. I can't imagine any working spouse taking on half of those responsibilities while their spouse SAH.
Sounds like OP does need to accept the status quo.



Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:54     Subject: Resenting my wife
Anonymous wrote:Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.


Why do you assume he doesn't do these things?

BTW, I assume he does. Which means he's working much harder than she is. She's a freeloader, especially if this wasn't the arrangement they agreed to.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:50     Subject: Resenting my wife
I decided I would wait until my husband was consistently doing 1/2 of the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping and childcare before I took an outside job. It never happened. I didn't think it would. I sure wasn't going to get stuck working full time and doing almost all of the duties at home. Not saying your wife is doing this consciously, like I did. But, for one thing, you could have kept your pants on and not complicated the situation further. Suggest you make peace with having a SAH wife.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:50     Subject: Resenting my wife
Anonymous wrote:I'm sure I'll be lampooned for this, but need to vent my frustration at my wife being unemployed for 4 years. She left the workforce when our first ds was born, and has been looking ever since. In all that time, she's only been invited for ONE interview, and nothing has materialized from anything she's tried. Anytime I raise the subject she gets incredibly defensive, tells me I have no idea how hard she has it being a mother, etc.

I brought in a babysitter half time so she could have more time to invest in herself and her search, but we are getting nowhere. Just found out we are pregnant again which is a joy and a financial pressure. It also means further delays to her finding something.

Can anyone relate to this situation? I hate to admit being resentful, and also secretly wish my wife were capable of earning money to help with bills.



Would you feel differently if you were making a higher salary and did not need her pay check to pay the bills?

There are great benefits of having one parent at home and raising the kids. Having a baby for a woman might mean a change of priorities for her. Also the job market being soft means that she may not be able to be employed.

I think you both need to work out a strategy where she can take a few courses towards getting a degree, diploma or certification that will make her employable when she needs to go back to work. You should also make a plan that will allow you to get more professional qualifications that can let you advance in your career.

Discuss this calmly. Without laying blame, without forcing the other person or belittling them. without being ruled by fear.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:48     Subject: Resenting my wife
Anonymous wrote:Why did you get her pregnant? Treat her like a SAHM and man up.


Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:48     Subject: Resenting my wife
Sorry, that sounds tough.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:46     Subject: Resenting my wife
Why did you get her pregnant? Treat her like a SAHM and man up.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:45     Subject: Resenting my wife
I think you need to let go of this issue until your new baby is at least 18 months old. There is no way she is going to conduct a job search and go back to work at this point. However, don't pay for a babysitter if your wife is a SAHM. Two kids is manageable.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:43     Subject: Resenting my wife
Ok, so she wants to be a stay at home wife. She probably resents you pushing so hard for her to work. If you want to be helpful, do 1/2 the housework, laundry, cooking, cleaning, shopping, and care taking while you are home. A babysitter will watch the kids but will not take care of all the little things. Oh, don't forget doctor and dental appointments, etc. too.
Anonymous
Post 12/23/2013 20:40     Subject: Resenting my wife
I'm sure I'll be lampooned for this, but need to vent my frustration at my wife being unemployed for 4 years. She left the workforce when our first ds was born, and has been looking ever since. In all that time, she's only been invited for ONE interview, and nothing has materialized from anything she's tried. Anytime I raise the subject she gets incredibly defensive, tells me I have no idea how hard she has it being a mother, etc.

I brought in a babysitter half time so she could have more time to invest in herself and her search, but we are getting nowhere. Just found out we are pregnant again which is a joy and a financial pressure. It also means further delays to her finding something.

Can anyone relate to this situation? I hate to admit being resentful, and also secretly wish my wife were capable of earning money to help with bills.