We're in the same boat, but DD is a junior. She has some learning disabilities that translate into not testing well at all. She's good at papers, projects and classwork, but there's so much testing (and she isn't taking the ACT until the spring) that it pulls every grade down. I think it's kind of disheartening for both of us.

Anonymous wrote:My son is aiming "lower" than some of his classmates with similar "stats'" because that is where he is more comfortable. Putting parental pride aside (admittedly not easy), I would rather see him at a school where he is happy, because he is more likely to flourish there. I know that is not your issue, OP, but jut to remind you that kids choose different schools for all sorts of reasons, and perhaps she will really blossom at one of her "safeties." Would a gap year be helpful? I have been surprised by how many of our friends' kids have not gone where one would have "expected" them to go, or have ended up transferring after one year because the "expected" school turned out not to be a good fit. I wish you luck in making the decision that is best for your daughter.

Wow, I could have written the above about my own son. He has also aimed lower than his similarly achieving friends, and seems quite happy with his prospects. It's tough when you know your child has the potential for so much more, but I really have to remember it's about him and where he'll be most happy/comfortable, and not about me and wanting to live vicariously through him. Sure is hard though.

Thank you for all the thoughtful replies.....very helpful.

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is having some academic problems and so will not be going to a selective college, most likely. She is at a competitive HS with a lot of high achievers. She was doing well until last year. I know it's petty of me but it's a little hard to hear about her classmates who are getting into selective schools knowing she will probably not get in anywhere, except maybe one of her safeties, if she's lucky. I feel bad for her. I'm happy for her classmates, but I don't really like hearing about it all because it's kind of painful because of her lost potential. Anyone in the same boat?

All is not lost. I was the same way in HS. I almost flunked out of the mediocre state school I managed to get into. At some point I stumbled on a major I liked, turned my performance in school around, got a full ride to a very good grad program and have had a very successful career. Not getting into a selective university right out of HS isn't the kiss of death.

OP, I think your feelings are understandable. Parents generally want the best for their children, and when are kids are little we all believe their potential is limitless -- that they can be everything they (and we) want them to be.

But think of it this way, did you get everything you wanted in life and have you always been tops at everything? I know I haven't. Yet I'm fine, and actually happy with my life. I would hate to think that my parents were upset that I wasn't the best at everything I tried, or that they were somehow disappointed in me. Love her enough to put your feelings aside and just support her no matter what. Remember too that the people who proudly post or talk about their college acceptances aren't everyone out there -- I assure you there are lots of us parents out there keeping quiet because our kid got rejected/deferred or isn't even going to college.

OP you say you feel badly for your DC but it really sounds like you feel badly for yourself. Its very important to sort the two out. If you find that your ego is too wrapped up in your DD's college application process, if you really are in mourning, as PP said, its time to address you issues, possibly in therapy, because this could affect your DD.

This idea of lost potential is just sad to read. your DD has all the potential in the world and if you feel that she is somehow failing because of teh crazy competitive parenting at your DD's school, you need to show some backbone for your DD's sake. Be proud of her, I'm sure there is a lot to be proud of. And if you can't, again, you need some help getting there.

My son is aiming "lower" than some of his classmates with similar "stats'" because that is where he is more comfortable. Putting parental pride aside (admittedly not easy), I would rather see him at a school where he is happy, because he is more likely to flourish there. I know that is not your issue, OP, but jut to remind you that kids choose different schools for all sorts of reasons, and perhaps she will really blossom at one of her "safeties." Would a gap year be helpful? I have been surprised by how many of our friends' kids have not gone where one would have "expected" them to go, or have ended up transferring after one year because the "expected" school turned out not to be a good fit. I wish you luck in making the decision that is best for your daughter.

Anonymous wrote:Our DD is having some academic problems and so will not be going to a selective college, most likely. She is at a competitive HS with a lot of high achievers. She was doing well until last year. I know it's petty of me but it's a little hard to hear about her classmates who are getting into selective schools knowing she will probably not get in anywhere, except maybe one of her safeties, if she's lucky. I feel bad for her. I'm happy for her classmates, but I don't really like hearing about it all because it's kind of painful because of her lost potential. Anyone in the same boat?

I am not in that particular boat. However, I was one of those super achieving kids and I am now enomployed and I am seeing mediocre students having very successful careers. School is not the end all, be all of success, trust me on this.

What you are experiencing is mourning.

Anonymous wrote:
I actually have a special needs DC, and the jury is out on whether he will go to college at all. Yes, it can be challenging to hear all the success stories.

But there are many pathways to a fulfilling life. It's only in Beltway and some other parts of the Northeast that the super-selective colleges take on this Holy Grail status.

I like College Confidential and have picked up tons of information.

Here's a CC forum with several threads on learning disabilities and college admit. Hope this helps a little.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/learning-differences-challenges-ld-adhd/

Anonymous wrote:I hope you are not putting your insecurities onto your daughter. She's going through enough with having her peers flaunt their colleges.

There are so many great schools out their for DD. You should try expending your energies and help her find one.

Maybe this will help you get started.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/939935-3-0-3-3-gpa-parents-thread-2012-hs-graduation.html

Ooops, there not their. Also, the thread has people in the same boat as you, OP. You are not alone!

I actually have a special needs DC, and the jury is out on whether he will go to college at all. Yes, it can be challenging to hear all the success stories.

But there are many pathways to a fulfilling life. It's only in Beltway and some other parts of the Northeast that the super-selective colleges take on this Holy Grail status.

I hope you are not putting your insecurities onto your daughter. She's going through enough with having her peers flaunt their colleges.

There are so many great schools out their for DD. You should try expending your energies and help her find one.

Maybe this will help you get started.

http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parents-forum/939935-3-0-3-3-gpa-parents-thread-2012-hs-graduation.html

OP, I hear you on the regret about missed potential.

Did her grades sink because she was struggling to keep up, or because she lost her focus or drive? In either situation, a super-competitive college might not be a good fit. If the issue was her motivation, this may change in a year or two, and she it's possible she'll find a passion and really start to succeed, either academically or in the job world.

Our DD is having some academic problems and so will not be going to a selective college, most likely. She is at a competitive HS with a lot of high achievers. She was doing well until last year. I know it's petty of me but it's a little hard to hear about her classmates who are getting into selective schools knowing she will probably not get in anywhere, except maybe one of her safeties, if she's lucky. I feel bad for her. I'm happy for her classmates, but I don't really like hearing about it all because it's kind of painful because of her lost potential. Anyone in the same boat?