Thank you for your support. this forum is a breath of fresh air compared to a lot of other DCUM threads.

We emphasize that everyone has things that they are good and things that they need help with. My NT kid's "area that he needs help with" is pretty minor compared to his brother, but it's there.

We also make sure that they both have activities that they can shine in. We plan separate activities for them.

Op, I understand where you are coming from. This advice to get over your own anxiety is so useless.

I have twins, one with lds and one without. It was very painful for the child with lds to see how easy it was for his sibling to make and keep friends. He was aware very quickly that he was slower academically than his peers and sibling. We taught our kids to support one another and that helped. We explained our dc's disabilities to both children at a young age. It was painful to watch how adults treated the well behaved but different child with lds.

As teens, the child with lds has areas in which he excels over his nt sibling. That child has blossomed as a teen. I've cut many friends and acquaintances out of our lives because my ld son was invisible to them. He began to notice that some adults treated him differently by 1st grade. I had no other strategy as trying to kindly educate adults about the matter never worked.

It's another thing you will survive. Good luck. It is heart breaking and I hope you aren't discouraged from voicing your concerns here.

Anonymous wrote:My advice is this: children generally don't sit around thinking about what they can't do. They think about what they can do and what they want to do. Concentrate on both your kids' assets. Stop worrying about any deficits, which sound pretty minor frankly. If you make it seem as if your daughter has a problem, she'll believe that. Why put her in that position?

Get some relief for your own anxiety. Make sure your children are feeling their strengths and you are too.

agreed

Talk about some general parenting philosophy.....

OP here. Thanks. I think some of my frustration comes from seeing my parents and cousin react to my NT DS more positively than my DD and point out all the things he's doing. I'm not sure how much of this is subtle gender preference and how much is SN/NT. She gets pretty upset and frustrated (which I understand is fairly common with kids with expressive language issues) when he teases her. They play together quite well and I don't want to see that change as they get older.

Please let me know if I'm incorrect about expressive language problems contributing to her frustration when she's upset. My cousin also seems to think this is a parenting problem of mine. She doesn't have children of her own and I have two very different ones (as do a lot of us).

Anonymous wrote:I have twins (one with special needs and one who is pretty advanced.) I REALLY think it's more weird for me than it is for either of them. I think they both understand their differences on some level but we haven't yet gotten to a point where either of them have articulated it and my advanced son (bless his heart) hasn't at this point ever rubbed it in the other's face. I realize this could change at any point. We're working hard to help them distinguish themselves and their own strengths. They are intentionally in very different extracurricular activities.

This reminds me of the time my "advanced" kid pointed out that his brother's summersaults were better than his own. He was actually very matter-of-fact about it -- also the time he realized and mentioned that his brother is taller than him.

I forgot to mention that they are 5 years old, so I realize this is prob just the beginning phases of the whole thing.

I have twins (one with special needs and one who is pretty advanced.) I REALLY think it's more weird for me than it is for either of them. I think they both understand their differences on some level but we haven't yet gotten to a point where either of them have articulated it and my advanced son (bless his heart) hasn't at this point ever rubbed it in the other's face. I realize this could change at any point. We're working hard to help them distinguish themselves and their own strengths. They are intentionally in very different extracurricular activities.

This reminds me of the time my "advanced" kid pointed out that his brother's summersaults were better than his own. He was actually very matter-of-fact about it -- also the time he realized and mentioned that his brother is taller than him.

PP, not helpful. The 5 yr old sounds like any other 5 yr old.

Anonymous wrote:I understand - our 5 yo NT yells out the answers to the math problems the 9 yo with SN is struggling to figure out. It gets old, and is stressful for everyone. When we get together with cousins or neighbors, the kids gravitate toward the younger kid because he is so easier to play with, leaving our older one alone and frustrated.

It's hard, and at our kids' ages they DO notice and make comments. Our older child will say, Joey is so much smarter than me, so much better at sports, so much more popular. I try to talk about how we all have our strengths/weaknesses, but the reality is that some people do get dealt better hands in life, and it doesn't necessarily equal out.

I try to keep in mind that everyone is running their own race, that happy lives come in all forms. The kids get along well and enrich each other's lives.

Your five year old sounds like a real peach.

I understand - our 5 yo NT yells out the answers to the math problems the 9 yo with SN is struggling to figure out. It gets old, and is stressful for everyone. When we get together with cousins or neighbors, the kids gravitate toward the younger kid because he is so easier to play with, leaving our older one alone and frustrated.

It's hard, and at our kids' ages they DO notice and make comments. Our older child will say, Joey is so much smarter than me, so much better at sports, so much more popular. I try to talk about how we all have our strengths/weaknesses, but the reality is that some people do get dealt better hands in life, and it doesn't necessarily equal out.

I try to keep in mind that everyone is running their own race, that happy lives come in all forms. The kids get along well and enrich each other's lives.

I understand what you're saying, OP. My second child, who is NT, seemingly effortlessly plays with his peers while my older child, who is on the spectrum, struggles with appropriate play and social skills. It makes me sad to watch my second child play at a higher level than his older sister.

But I recognize that that's MY problem, not my children's. They are oblivious. I work hard not to compare them, but to celebrate their individual successes (and support their individual challenges)

My advice is this: children generally don't sit around thinking about what they can't do. They think about what they can do and what they want to do. Concentrate on both your kids' assets. Stop worrying about any deficits, which sound pretty minor frankly. If you make it seem as if your daughter has a problem, she'll believe that. Why put her in that position?

Get some relief for your own anxiety. Make sure your children are feeling their strengths and you are too.

OP,

You sound much more hung up that your kid has a delay than how to handle the differences between the kids. She's getting the help she needs is on grade level. That is not such a big deal. You're worrying about something that hasn't happened yet--that your younger kid will surpass her academically. That might happen even if you have 2 NT kids.

You don't compare kids. You support their strengths/interests and get them help when they need it.

I have a 6 yo DD with some articulation and some expressive language issues. Neither are sufficient problems that we'd qualify for services in school, so we've been working on that privately, but it's slow going. She's reading, but just on grade level and math is about the same. I also have a 3 yo DS that is a mile a minute talker. He's passing her verbally and I'm starting to worry that he's going to pass her in reading and math soon. He's not reading yet, but is quite good at figuring out phonics games and is asking for reading and math work (this is not something we push, but when she's working, he asks for stuff to do too). For the record, he's also more athletic and less anxious. She has decent drawing and handwriting skills and her fine finger muscles have always been a strength.

How have others handled this?