I like how everyone thinks the spouse is a woman. Probably a man.

Anonymous wrote:I appreciate you, pp. I am a little bit giving up, I guess. I have tried every form of encouragement and practical assistance that I can think of. I think I could improve on the positive reinforcement on every little attempt. In my experience, spouse reverts back to unhealthy habits after a week or so, so I try not to get too invested in it anymore so I don't feel bad when it stops. I do make healthy dinners, but noticed spouse does lots of eating before and after, hence my comments.

New poster, I'm an overweight spouse in the process of losing. I've lost 20+ pounds and am going for another 30+! Tell DW not to try it alone. Weightwatchers is expensive ($15/wk), but the plan works much better than trying it alone because of an organized plan with organizers, a website and leaders/peer support. Also, for me it helps that while I'm losing weight, my husband admits that he's gained weight too and is trying to lose weight and give up cigarettes (he smokes) while I go on a very long term diet (1 pound a week for 40 weeks, plus maintenance afterward). DH helps by being reasonable and patient while I take time after dinner to exercise (sometimes I bring the kids, sometimes he brings them out for exercise after I go, sometimes we go for family walks).

If you take it as a lifestyle change with changes by both parties, expecting to be together for a long time (DH and I have been together for nearly two decades and gained weight over time raising three kids), and expect a few bumps in the road, then it'll be much more likely to work.

I appreciate you, pp. I am a little bit giving up, I guess. I have tried every form of encouragement and practical assistance that I can think of. I think I could improve on the positive reinforcement on every little attempt. In my experience, spouse reverts back to unhealthy habits after a week or so, so I try not to get too invested in it anymore so I don't feel bad when it stops. I do make healthy dinners, but noticed spouse does lots of eating before and after, hence my comments.

My ex ignored me for abouta year hoping I would lose the weight so he would touch me again. That backfired bc it trashed my self esteem and gained more. He was mean, decided to be a drunk to escape me and get back at me. Again, not productive. Lets just say the marriage did not last. He hates fat people. It would have been nice to have someone to support me like 21.25. Mine went the gym with me for a little, but he kept flirting with all the fit women. He tried to help, but could only do things that from his perspective would help me lose weight, and we lose weight very differently. In the end, kindness, positive reinforcement helps. I never got that. Losing it now that we are divorced.

Anonymous wrote: This is my sign to give up because you have shot down every response. Cooking healthier meals won't help because she's not around you all day...just throw in the towel and love your fat wife or leave her. Stop complaining though, it's annoying.

Agreed.

"can eat crap all day unnoticed" is a telling phrase, too. Unnoticed by whom? If she does lose the weight, she is the one who is going to have to track her food.

OP is not going to be able to control his wife into doing this. It never works.

This is my sign to give up because you have shot down every response. Cooking healthier meals won't help because she's not around you all day...just throw in the towel and love your fat wife or leave her. Stop complaining though, it's annoying.

I don't think cooking healthier meals helps that much. Spouse makes eating decisions all day when I'm not around, and can eat crap all day unnoticed.

Anonymous wrote:Did anyone's overweight spouse actually lose the weight? What did it take? Were you able to influence or inspire it at all, or did you stay out of it all together? Mine can't sustain the effort and just forgets about it. But I can't.

For those whose spouse didn't lose it, how did you keep it from eroding your relationship?

Because I got married for better or for worse. Seriously, you didn't know that?

PP here. I also want to recommend that you try to get involved in cooking healthier meals. Tonight we had a garlic rotisserie chicken (precooked from the grocery store) while I had a side of steamed veggies and my kids had a side of mac and cheese. Meals are HUGE in losing weight and it takes some planning to get there. You can eat yummy, healthy foods. My kids loved the chicken as well.

I was an overweight wife. I lost 50 pounds as well. My Dh began making comments here and there about losing weight. I basically told him to F*ck off. My DH has a super fast metabolism and eats whatever he wants. He eats horribly. Fried foods, lots of carbs, fast food, whatever he wants. I just blamed my weight on my genetics (my mom has always been a size 6, even after having six kids while my dad is very healthy/in shape but his sisters are overweight).
After my last child turned a year old, I had a few things that changed my thinking. First, a family member of mine was in a very bad accident that should've killed him. The doctor said that if he wasn't in such great shape physically from lifting weights, he would've had a nearly impossible time recovering. Secondly, I didn't have any health issues, but I started noticing I was tired in the afternoons and started getting headaches frequently. I also had two episodes of veins rupturing in my legs that I thought were blood clots. I started to realize that I had kids and blamed lack of time for not eating right or exercising. Excuses, excuses. I told myself I still looked good. I lied for a while to myself. I went up several sizes yet didn't want to face it. I entered a weight loss challenge for charity in January of last year. I didn't win but I lost around 15 pounds and that gave me the motivation to continue. I lost weight for me and my health, not for anyone else. I just started eating better. No diets, no weight loss programs. I feel better than ever and weigh less now that before I ever had kids! Nagging won't do anything, but inspiring your wife to change might help. Try to suggest a walk tomorrow or something fun like indoor rock climbing if the weather is bad. Start small. I didn't even exercise until I lost the first 30 pounds and now I love it. Start small, and hopefully she'll continue.

I was the overweight spouse. I went to a medical weight loss center and followed a doctor prescribed program. (I went to BeLite in Fairfax and highly recommend- never could have done this without them). Don't confuse medifast or one of those kind of chains with what I mean.

DH pretty much stayed out of it and ate what I put in front of him for dinners, even though we started eating mroe healthy meals that he probably didn't enjoy as much.

I can do the first five. The last is the hard one.

It probably goes without saying that positive re-enforcement is the name of the game. I too was the overweight spouse (fiancee at the time) and my husband would be incredibly supportive when I went to the gym (meant we ate a good hour and a half later) and cooked healthy meals (which didnt always taste good), but his encouragement was enough for me to discern that he had a. noticed my weight gain and b. was glad I was doing something about it.

I was the overweight spouse. I successfully lost about 50 lbs. five years ago. Here is what DH did to help:

* Complied with my requests to keep his junk food out of the house (he is slim due to The World's Best Metabolism, but doesn't eat well)

* Ate the Weight Watchers recipes I prepared without complaint

* If I had enough "points" to enjoy one glass of wine, he had one glass of wine with me - but he didn't have three while I only got to have one. That helped because I didn't feel like I was missing out. (When he was with other people, he had as much of anything as he wanted, I didn't care...just don't indulge in my face while I'm practicing moderation, you know? Especially when it's all new.)

* He trusted me, he didn't nag if he saw me eating a chocolate bar because he (rightly) assumed I had accounted for the "points."

* He went to the gym with me.

* But - he never never pushed or pressured or made me feel like his love was conditional on weight loss. It helped a lot that he fortunately was able to remain attracted to me at a bigger size. (In fact, he enjoyed the increased bra size quite a bit.)

Did anyone's overweight spouse actually lose the weight? What did it take? Were you able to influence or inspire it at all, or did you stay out of it all together? Mine can't sustain the effort and just forgets about it. But I can't.

For those whose spouse didn't lose it, how did you keep it from eroding your relationship?