Dunno if it's typical, but none of MIL's DILs can stand her. At all. One forced her husband to move to Florida to get away from MIL's nagging and interference.

Some perspective my mother (a MIL herself to DIL's) gave me in dealing with my MIL helped me to calm down

You have replaced her as the woman in your DH's life. Many women, who have devoted themselves to their families, view their DS's marriage as "losing a son." They are no longer needed as much as they were and no longer had the influence they once had. Depending on the family dynamic and how the DIL and DS manage things, it can be a nightmare. Honestly, having your DH fight the battle for you makes it worse. Most MIL's will KNOW that if their son confronts them about how they treat a DIL, it is the DIL who put them up to it. It makes them feel even more that their sons are being taken from them. I am NOT saying that it is right and my mother was not either - she was just giving me perspective.


My DH and I have come to an understanding over the past 20 years. I do not put him in the middle and do not ask him to mediate/confront disputes. I am expected to call her to the carpet myself for things that bother me. He will publicly support me. He will have my back - not my front. MIL and I get aong much better now that I have learned to politely but forcefully defend my ground. I also do not vent to my DH about his mom. He does not allow her to complain about me to him and I should get the same treatment. I am not expected to entertain them every time they visit (I often am not there) and I do not attend every family function on his side of the family. Our kids are teens and the best gift I could give them was to allow them to form their own relationship with Granny. They also see that Granny and I have common ground - our love for them and our love for DH. We will never be best buds, but we do get along fine.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my MIL for many, many reasons. Yet, I try to remain civil to her, and include her on outings with the kids. They live 10 minutes away from us.

I need some advice - why do I even need to do this? Why do I need to suck it up and take her rude, self-centered comments (as DH suggests)? DH is unwilling to say anything to her when she makes her rude comments because "she will never change".

Someone please set me straight and remind me why I must have a relationship with her at all. And BTW, she's not helpful or fun with the kids.

Because she is your children's grandmother, and they deserve to form their own relationship with her without being prejudiced by your bitterness, pettiness, or other ill emotions.

+1. Stand up for outright rude comments, ignore the petty, passive aggressive comments and move forward. Vow to be a better MIL and Grandmother.

My MIL now hates me despite my efforts to keep her included in our lives in positive ways. DH's brothers and DH all recognize she's kind of lost it at this point, but it still sucks. I hate feeling judged and hated, and I hate that DH doesn't have a good relationship with her anymore. It's due to her own actions, but still.

I don't anticipate her to be involved with our coming baby, which at this point is ok with me. She drinks and she constantly badmouths me, neither of which I want to expose to my child.

Anonymous wrote:You don't need to suck it up--you can politely and calmly stand up for yourself when she makes rude comments directed at you or your kids. You do not have to tolerate being mistreated. On the other hand, if she's not mistreating you, you should be civil, since she is your husband's mother. And your husband should either stand up to her when she badmouths you or you guys should agree together that ignoring her nasty comments is the best strategy.

Ditto. There's a reason why people walk all over doormats.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my MIL for many, many reasons. Yet, I try to remain civil to her, and include her on outings with the kids. They live 10 minutes away from us.

I need some advice - why do I even need to do this? Why do I need to suck it up and take her rude, self-centered comments (as DH suggests)? DH is unwilling to say anything to her when she makes her rude comments because "she will never change".

Someone please set me straight and remind me why I must have a relationship with her at all. And BTW, she's not helpful or fun with the kids.

Because she is your children's grandmother, and they deserve to form their own relationship with her without being prejudiced by your bitterness, pettiness, or other ill emotions.

And terrible Moms/MILs can sometimes make wonderful grandparents. My grandmother was a terrible Mom to my Mom, but was a great Grandma to me.

You don't need to suck it up--you can politely and calmly stand up for yourself when she makes rude comments directed at you or your kids. You do not have to tolerate being mistreated. On the other hand, if she's not mistreating you, you should be civil, since she is your husband's mother. And your husband should either stand up to her when she badmouths you or you guys should agree together that ignoring her nasty comments is the best strategy.

Anonymous wrote:I do not like my MIL for many, many reasons. Yet, I try to remain civil to her, and include her on outings with the kids. They live 10 minutes away from us.

I need some advice - why do I even need to do this? Why do I need to suck it up and take her rude, self-centered comments (as DH suggests)? DH is unwilling to say anything to her when she makes her rude comments because "she will never change".

Someone please set me straight and remind me why I must have a relationship with her at all. And BTW, she's not helpful or fun with the kids.

Because she is your children's grandmother, and they deserve to form their own relationship with her without being prejudiced by your bitterness, pettiness, or other ill emotions.

I try so hard with mine.She's not a bad person, we just have nothing in common. I just feel judged by her 24/7. I see her and her daughter gossiping and having fun and I'm left out. Makes me miss my own mom.

You don't have to have much of a relationship with her, really...but the problem is that DH is allowing her to treat you poorly a) at all and b) in front of your kids. A natural response would be to let DH visit his mother alone--and for you to stop putting any effort at all in including her in your lives. Let DH do it. If he doesn't, oh well! All calls, scheduling, gift purchases, etc, etc...all through him.

You can be clear with DH: If he doesn't set any limits, you will, and you can pretty much guarantee his mom will like it even less if you do it, so would he please man up and set some boundaries?

Yes. MILs expect you to act like their child in all the good ways (loving them, visiting them, listening to their misguided advice) but not act like their child in any of the bad ways (needing to be taken care of, getting away with saying mean-spitired things and talking back). You need to deal with it because you love your husband and because your MIL is partially responsible for who your lovely husband is today. Your only recourse is to be an annoying MIL yourself some day. And let's be honest: you will be annoying when you're in her shoes.

So the example she is setting is "Grandma can be rude to Mom and no one says anything".

Because you are setting an example for your children on how to behave with their elders and she is their grandmother.

Anonymous wrote:
The problem with MILs is that they want all of the slack from being "Mom" but don't realize that that their DIL doesn't care. She's not MY mom.

This is exactly so. My MIL tried to treat me like she treats her son and daughter -- but they have a dramatically different dynamic than my family does. It took several years to find a good balance.

Because your DH loves her and wants her included. You're putting up with her because of him.

The problem with MILs is that they want all of the slack from being "Mom" but don't realize that that their DIL doesn't care. She's not MY mom.

I do not like my MIL for many, many reasons. Yet, I try to remain civil to her, and include her on outings with the kids. They live 10 minutes away from us.

I need some advice - why do I even need to do this? Why do I need to suck it up and take her rude, self-centered comments (as DH suggests)? DH is unwilling to say anything to her when she makes her rude comments because "she will never change".

Someone please set me straight and remind me why I must have a relationship with her at all. And BTW, she's not helpful or fun with the kids.