Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working on the formal diagnosis. I am one hundred percent sure that he will be diagnosed. Now, back to the original question. Appreciate any help you can provide.

Is he open to having you explain proper reactions in a nice way? That's the best way is to help with the proper social cues. Is he sensitive to this type of thing? Also, when you speak with him, be matter-of-fact and tell him what you need, i.e. It would be helpful if you grabbed those groceries for me or I could really use some advice right now.

Explain to the children why Dad isn't 'warm and fuzzy' in some regards. Tell them he doesn't mean to hurt feelings (if he does) and that they should tell him what they need. Explain it as if it's just who he is, because it is, not as a shortcoming.

please don't do this. plenty of fathers aren't warm and fuzzy and not on the spectrum. the OP shouldn't be sharing diagnoses that haven't been established.

OP, there a zillion books on being married to someone with Asbergers. Look on Amazon.

If he truly is, then how he is should have been extremely obvious b/f you married him. Start with a marriage counselor or therapy for yourself.

I didn't say she should tell them diagnosis. Depending on age AND diagnosis, it might be over their heads. I said to tell them who Dad is and isn't and why it's not a reflection on them.

Anonymous wrote:He just doesn't get social cues, phone etiquette, body language and he challenges anything he believes to be inaccurate, no matter how trivial. This affects our marriage, his job and his relationships. How can I help him? He hasn't been given a legitimate diagnosis but it is extremely obvious. He's a good guy but I'm having a hard time accepting these quirks now that kids are in the picture. Help!

Does he recognize he's deficient in these areas?
Does he place any value on these things?

I'm similar to your husband. I recognize I'm deficient, and even if I don't see value in social niceties I accept that there is value. That last bit is a leap of faith which some people can't make. I can make it in no small part because people for whom I have respect have repeatedly informed me that these things are important.

If he doesn't place any value on those things, there's not much you can do to help because he's going to have to learn to follow scripts that make absolutely no sense, but the rest of the world seems to like them for some reason. It's hard to do nonsensical things even if you think they have value, it's almost impossible if you see no value.

My husband translates a lot of the world for me, and he helps me build scripts for interaction. I'll run through a planned phone conversation with him ahead of time, and he'll point out where I can adjust my words to be more socially acceptable. It takes a lot of practice on my part. I have to remind myself of a lot of things. Having scripts helps. "At the beginning of a meeting with an unknown person, introduce myself, shake hands if hand is offered, make eye contact. If the person wants to make small talk, smile pleasantly and reciprocate by asking about family (look for photographs) or hobbies (look for clues). Allow small talk for up to 3 minutes before moving into work." and so on. Ask your husband what might help him, or offer him observations you have made. Too much change at once is too difficult, if there's one big thing he can work on that can be more helpful.

Tony Attwood is a psychologist who has written several books on Asperger's. His book "the Complete Guide to Asperger Syndrome" has a chapter on long-term relationships in which one partner has AS. It's very interesting and you may find it helpful.

By the way, the author says that most women don't realize their husbands have AS until after marriage, because the husbands have learned to act normal in order to function in the world. It's exhausting for them to act "typical" and they can't do it 24/7, so after they're married they start to act like themselves. He said most people who marry someone with AS truly have no idea who they're marrying.

I read david Finch's book (suggested by a previous poster). He talks a lot about how he and his wife are able to help each other cope with the challenges.

Good luck to both of you!

OP here. We are in marriage counseling, I have my own therapist. Perhaps it was obvious but we were very young and I didn't see it. It has gotten much worse as our responsibilities have increased and I am more dependent on him to make our day to day life "work". I asked how to help him, but of course the criticism falls on me.

By the way, we're not pushing a formal diagnosis because we think you might be wrong (but you might!). We're pushing it because any treatment plan starts with a diagnosis. And it's a chance to gauge your husband's reaction to being diagnosed. There's really no suitably-tailored advice to be given before this happens.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Working on the formal diagnosis. I am one hundred percent sure that he will be diagnosed. Now, back to the original question. Appreciate any help you can provide.

Is he open to having you explain proper reactions in a nice way? That's the best way is to help with the proper social cues. Is he sensitive to this type of thing? Also, when you speak with him, be matter-of-fact and tell him what you need, i.e. It would be helpful if you grabbed those groceries for me or I could really use some advice right now.

Explain to the children why Dad isn't 'warm and fuzzy' in some regards. Tell them he doesn't mean to hurt feelings (if he does) and that they should tell him what they need. Explain it as if it's just who he is, because it is, not as a shortcoming.

please don't do this. plenty of fathers aren't warm and fuzzy and not on the spectrum. the OP shouldn't be sharing diagnoses that haven't been established.

OP, there a zillion books on being married to someone with Asbergers. Look on Amazon.

If he truly is, then how he is should have been extremely obvious b/f you married him. Start with a marriage counselor or therapy for yourself.

Have you read David Finch's book, "The Journal of Best Practices"? I haven't but have heard good things. It's about a husband diagnosed with Asperger's.

Anonymous wrote:Working on the formal diagnosis. I am one hundred percent sure that he will be diagnosed. Now, back to the original question. Appreciate any help you can provide.

Is he open to having you explain proper reactions in a nice way? That's the best way is to help with the proper social cues. Is he sensitive to this type of thing? Also, when you speak with him, be matter-of-fact and tell him what you need, i.e. It would be helpful if you grabbed those groceries for me or I could really use some advice right now.

Explain to the children why Dad isn't 'warm and fuzzy' in some regards. Tell them he doesn't mean to hurt feelings (if he does) and that they should tell him what they need. Explain it as if it's just who he is, because it is, not as a shortcoming.

Might be a nonverbal learning disorder. Is he getting a neuropsych evaluation?

Anonymous wrote:Well, start with telling us whether he's been formally diagnosed. If you're looking at one of those online checklists, 100% of husbands appear to have Asperger's.

Lol. Now you've piqued my interest.

Working on the formal diagnosis. I am one hundred percent sure that he will be diagnosed. Now, back to the original question. Appreciate any help you can provide.

Apparently you didn't read the whole post PP.

Sorry, I see that you say he has not been. Start there.

Well, start with telling us whether he's been formally diagnosed. If you're looking at one of those online checklists, 100% of husbands appear to have Asperger's.

He just doesn't get social cues, phone etiquette, body language and he challenges anything he believes to be inaccurate, no matter how trivial. This affects our marriage, his job and his relationships. How can I help him? He hasn't been given a legitimate diagnosis but it is extremely obvious. He's a good guy but I'm having a hard time accepting these quirks now that kids are in the picture. Help!