Anonymous
Post 12/01/2013 06:24     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
+1000 ^^^^^^ Re-read PP's last paragraph over and over OP. you need to work on you. Go to therapy. Go to Al-Anon. Figure out what your issues are. When you're with an addict, it's really easy to say, "Well, HE is the one with the problem. If he would just get himself together everything would be fine."

But it doesn't work like that. You are part of this. I'm not saying you made him drink. What I'm saying is that you have your own issues that need to be dealt with. Perhaps you need to look at ways you ignored his drinking and made excuses for him. Maybe there were warning signs and you chose to ignore them. Alcoholism is a family disease. YOU have your own recovery to go through. Stop focusing on his recovery and figure out how you need to change and grow.
Anonymous
Post 12/01/2013 06:02     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husband has been in recovery for 20 years so my perspective is somewhat different, but here goes. Stop asking "how was the meeting," are you still in the same group, how is recovery going, etc. First of all, how was the meeting is like asking how was work. Meetings are generic and follow the same format. Someone shares their story about alcoholism, hitting rock bottom and getting sober. Some stories are tedious, some are inspiring. Some days the recovering person is into it, some days the mind wanders. There are many feelings. It's impossible to sum up an answer to "How was the meeting."

He may go to a lot of different meetings before he finds the one he likes the best.

If he's only two months in, staying sober is all he's thinking about, 24/7. Having you ask generic questions like this is probably anxiety provoking and he really can't do more than come up with one word answers. It's like being surrounded by hungry aggressive wolves, barely keeping them at bay, and having someone asking you every few hours "How's it going with the wolves?" It's just tedious and kind of silly.

I would say be cheerful, be supportive, be loving, don't put up with any shit from him, go to Al Anon yourself, keep no alcohol whatsoever in the house. Do not ask him to accompany you to "Holiday parties" where alcohol is served.





OP here. Thanks, all - lots of helpful posts here, esp. This one. Good point about the wolves. So to a follow up question... How long before I can ask him to think about "us"? We've had a very rough 4 years or so with this disease. The rehab seems to have given him the skills to stay clean, and now he seems to be settling into a new routine - still in aftercare, looking for a meeting that works for him, etc. meanwhile we're basically coexisting. Not in a hostile way, it is working fine, we work, take care of the kids, have our separate wind down time at night, and start over the next day. But I want so much more out of my marriage - we've been together 14 years and feel light years apart - not being able to talk about this is like an elephant in the room. He would be willing to go to counseling, but we have so little time for that and i think he needs to settle in to the sober life/meeting routine first - like, i am not going to ask him to skip out of work to see a therapist if he can only get out 2x week and he's going to meetings. But not sure how long i can just hold on and exist like this...



5:42 here. I think you need to reckon with the fact that the "us" you knew is gone, forever. There can be a new "us," but working on "us" right now is not a realistic concept. The him you knew is gone forever. The dynamic has shifted because alcohol was fueling his personality. Right now, he doesn't know what his personality is. Asking him to work on us is almost impossible because he doesn't have a new self yet. Sobriety and AA and his higher power are filling that gap, but whatever you would get out of working on your relationship would not be real, permanent, or fulfilling.

I would say work on yourself. Especially take a look at your friendships as a couple. How many are fueled by partying? Is it possible to rebuild core friendships? Activities in a sober way?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 23:58     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
This is so timely for me right now. I'm struggling with whether or not to leave/kick him out, but apparently VA doesn't make it that easy to separate.

My husband is a loving and devoted father, and I'm not ready to tear our family apart. But I can't continue to go through this over and over again, and I don't know if our broken trust will ever be repaired.

I have told him that there is no more "I'll get treatment...someday" He brings me a plan and starts executing it this week or he's out of here.

I just will never again call a rescue squad to our house in the wee hours of the morning because my husband went out and got falling down drunk....all while our child was looking on. Fuck that - our kid deserves better.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 21:53     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
Anonymous wrote:My husband has been in recovery for 20 years so my perspective is somewhat different, but here goes. Stop asking "how was the meeting," are you still in the same group, how is recovery going, etc. First of all, how was the meeting is like asking how was work. Meetings are generic and follow the same format. Someone shares their story about alcoholism, hitting rock bottom and getting sober. Some stories are tedious, some are inspiring. Some days the recovering person is into it, some days the mind wanders. There are many feelings. It's impossible to sum up an answer to "How was the meeting."

He may go to a lot of different meetings before he finds the one he likes the best.

If he's only two months in, staying sober is all he's thinking about, 24/7. Having you ask generic questions like this is probably anxiety provoking and he really can't do more than come up with one word answers. It's like being surrounded by hungry aggressive wolves, barely keeping them at bay, and having someone asking you every few hours "How's it going with the wolves?" It's just tedious and kind of silly.

I would say be cheerful, be supportive, be loving, don't put up with any shit from him, go to Al Anon yourself, keep no alcohol whatsoever in the house. Do not ask him to accompany you to "Holiday parties" where alcohol is served.




OP here. Thanks, all - lots of helpful posts here, esp. This one. Good point about the wolves. So to a follow up question... How long before I can ask him to think about "us"? We've had a very rough 4 years or so with this disease. The rehab seems to have given him the skills to stay clean, and now he seems to be settling into a new routine - still in aftercare, looking for a meeting that works for him, etc. meanwhile we're basically coexisting. Not in a hostile way, it is working fine, we work, take care of the kids, have our separate wind down time at night, and start over the next day. But I want so much more out of my marriage - we've been together 14 years and feel light years apart - not being able to talk about this is like an elephant in the room. He would be willing to go to counseling, but we have so little time for that and i think he needs to settle in to the sober life/meeting routine first - like, i am not going to ask him to skip out of work to see a therapist if he can only get out 2x week and he's going to meetings. But not sure how long i can just hold on and exist like this...
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 20:03     Subject: Re:If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
Anonymous wrote:I'm sober 20 years. DH is sober 27 years.

I would not recommend Al-Anon at this time. I don't find that Al-Anon is helpful for most people. It focuses on the wrong things and elevates co-dependency to the same level of problem as alcoholism. That's not fair or true.


NP here. This is the perspective of an addict and is not very useful, and I don't mean that offensively. Speaking from the perspective of the family member of an addict, Al-Anon is enormously helpful and you (OP) need a program that is about you and your recovery from the EFFECTS of living with and loving an alcoholic. Codependency is a whole other issue, I don't know why the PP is talking about it (except for resentment at the idea that the problems of people living with alcoholics could be considered "at the same level" as alcoholism?).

Agree with other PPs that you (OP) need to let your husband work his program and you need to work yours, which means trying out Al-Anon. At the very least, it will help you not feel responsible for monitoring and "helping" him with his.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 19:05     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
I think it's concerning that there isn't more open communication from DH. You are his wife and this is a major thing going on in his life, affecting you and your children. I think you have a right to more than one word answers. Would he consider couples counseling?
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 14:27     Subject: Re:If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
I don't have an answer but wanted to echo the PP. My DH is adamant he isn't an alcoholic, although he is. I did get him to stop drinking (for now at least), but he keeps arguing about it and bringing it up. The fact that your DH has taken the steps he has is impressive from where I sit. I know you've been through hell, too, so I am not minimizing that. Keep your chin up and hang n there, OP. I have my fingers crossed that you all will beat this thing. I am less sure about us.
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 11:05     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
It seems your man doesn't want to discuss it and that is his choice and it is okay. I wouldn't persist. He will talk about it when and if he is ever ready.

Just be happy that he is taking strides to recover from his disease.
There are many people who haven't even taken the steps he has.

Kudos for him!!
Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 08:34     Subject: Re:If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
I'm sober 20 years. DH is sober 27 years.

I would not recommend Al-Anon at this time. I don't find that Al-Anon is helpful for most people. It focuses on the wrong things and elevates co-dependency to the same level of problem as alcoholism. That's not fair or true.

I would recommend that you both go to family counseling and that you plan on staying there for at least 18 months. Getting sober and going through the steps involves huge changes for the sober person. People change in the first two yeas of AA. They change a lot. Marriages often don't survive it. Divorce is common. If you want the marriage to survive, you need to change together. Marriage counseling will help you talk your way through these changes and change together.

Anonymous
Post 11/30/2013 05:42     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
My husband has been in recovery for 20 years so my perspective is somewhat different, but here goes. Stop asking "how was the meeting," are you still in the same group, how is recovery going, etc. First of all, how was the meeting is like asking how was work. Meetings are generic and follow the same format. Someone shares their story about alcoholism, hitting rock bottom and getting sober. Some stories are tedious, some are inspiring. Some days the recovering person is into it, some days the mind wanders. There are many feelings. It's impossible to sum up an answer to "How was the meeting."

He may go to a lot of different meetings before he finds the one he likes the best.

If he's only two months in, staying sober is all he's thinking about, 24/7. Having you ask generic questions like this is probably anxiety provoking and he really can't do more than come up with one word answers. It's like being surrounded by hungry aggressive wolves, barely keeping them at bay, and having someone asking you every few hours "How's it going with the wolves?" It's just tedious and kind of silly.

I would say be cheerful, be supportive, be loving, don't put up with any shit from him, go to Al Anon yourself, keep no alcohol whatsoever in the house. Do not ask him to accompany you to "Holiday parties" where alcohol is served.

Anonymous
Post 11/29/2013 22:34     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
"Non-addicts", I mean.
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2013 22:34     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
I only talk about it with other recovering addicts. No. Addicts just don't get it the same way.
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2013 21:49     Subject: Re:If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
AA is not the approach I would take, but since that is what your husband is doing best you work within that program, you may want to find a spouse AA group to attend.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/for-spouses-and-partners
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2013 21:37     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
Stop asking. Tell him " you don't seem to want to talk about your recovery so I am going to stop asking, but please know I care about you and your recovery, and if you get to a point when you want to tell me, I will always be happy to listen okay?"
Anonymous
Post 11/29/2013 21:29     Subject: If you or your spouse is a recovering alcoholic...
How much do you talk about it? DH went through rehab a few months ago after several failed attempts to quit on his own. He is staying sober and going to meetings, so that is good, but he says almost nothing about it and when i ask ("how was the meeting?" Or "are you still in the same group?") i get one word answers - and this isnt just AA which i know is supposed to be confidential. I'm torn about whether i should ask more to be supportive or leave it alone. It has definitely become between us - drinking AND recovery - another thing we cant seem to talk about - but if it is something people feel they need to keep private, i guess i will leave it alone.