Seriously, OP. Let it go. It's not your job to "fix" your mom. Just ignore it and stop giving her so much power over you to infuriate you. My FIL is the biggest jackass out there. He says outright rude, mean, and malicious things, both about me and my daughter. I just tell him to fuck off in my head and am grateful that he's a relatively disengaged and absent grandfather. I will never change him. And you'll never change your mom.

How do you shut her down? Very easy. You respond with one simple word: "Okay." And then you move on to something else. Every.single.time.

Mom: you know, I think I'm allergic to peanuts.
You: Okay. Can you pass the carrots?

Mom: You really just need to relax. Maybe then you wouldn't need medication.
You: Okay. Where's my shopping list. I need to add shampoo.

Anonymous



If we had the cure to moms saying dumb things. . .

Oh, if only moms had the cure for the dumb things their children say..."

"I had no idea we had so much in common, mom. Let's throw a pity party!"

Anonymous wrote:My mother invalidates everything I say. So does my entire family. Who knows. Thing is, they all are on the 2nd, 3rd marriages, having babies out of wedlock, and certainly don't have grad degrees or practice law. Maybe they are just jealous because I'm not a loser? I think it is a form of bullying, and bullies need to be put in their place. What I usually do is:

1) Ask - Why do you have to invalidate everything i say?

or

2) At the right moment, turn it on them and do the same thing. And OUCH! It hurts when they are on the receiving end - I see it in their faces.

Why even engage in their games? You are then allowing yourself to become part of the problem. Break the cycle. The best revenge is living well.

My mother invalidates everything I say. So does my entire family. Who knows. Thing is, they all are on the 2nd, 3rd marriages, having babies out of wedlock, and certainly don't have grad degrees or practice law. Maybe they are just jealous because I'm not a loser? I think it is a form of bullying, and bullies need to be put in their place. What I usually do is:

1) Ask - Why do you have to invalidate everything i say?

or

2) At the right moment, turn it on them and do the same thing. And OUCH! It hurts when they are on the receiving end - I see it in their faces.

Anonymous wrote:Your mom is trying to one-up you, lol. Think about how petty and silly it is that she's doing it and rise above it.

Yup. My mom does this, too. When she makes a one-upping comment, I've found that if I don't acknowledge it whatsoever, the line of thinking is very quickly shutdown. Don't allow her to turn it into a debate.

Is she really bullying you? You think that is her intention - to make you angry and to belittle you?

Or is that she is trying to relate, or she thinks she understands and it comes more from ignorance, lack of insight etc...

If she has never dealt with what you are dealing with, then she may really think that her anxiety is similar to yours...

I would not make a big deal of it unless you truly believe this a personal attack - that she dislikes or hates you for some reason and is trying to be cruel.

Don't engage. Don't bring this stuff up. Don't get into it if she brings it up. You still hope to convince her you are right. You will not succeed. You will be happier if you don't respond. That involves in a way grieving that your mother isn't the mother you deserve but once you get some distance you will feel kindlier towards her like she is the eccentric neighbor lady down the street. Because once you stop letting her push your buttons, it will be easier to empathize with her because it won't threaten your identity.

Did this with my mom. Was hard but later it made a world of difference. Good luck, OP. I know what you're going through and it's hard!

With the peanut thing, when you see her eating peanuts, you could say "Oh, good! You're still breathing!"

With the "I just get over it" re anxiety disorders comment, "Have you thought of sharing your impressive recovery story with Psychology Today?"

Your mom is trying to one-up you, lol. Think about how petty and silly it is that she's doing it and rise above it.

It sounds like. She is trying to relate to you by being the same.

If we had the cure to moms saying dumb things. . .

How often do you see your mother? Is it usually your place or her place? Does she provide child care for you?

A couple of examples...

My older DC has a peanut allergy. I have explained to her how serious it is, that it can be life threatening, and she was filled in on the whole journey as I discovered the allergy and how terrifying it was. She makes comments about how she thinks she's allergic to peanuts because she suddenly doesn't like them anymore (she's back to eating them in bulk 2 days later).

I'm prone to panic attacks and deal with anxiety on a daily basis that I am medicated for and it's well controlled. She has said things like I have the same problem but I just get over it. You need to stop letting things get to you etc. and these comments come out of nowhere.

In both examples, she's basically belittling a serious thing I'm dealing with. I don't know if her comments come from stupidity but it infuriates me. I want to let her know that these type of comments are bullying and unsupportive. Going over what happens when a person has an allergic reaction or reminding her of why I'm on medication has proven to be pointless. She knows all of this, yet still makes these comments to...I don't even know...hurt me? Make me angry? I need a comeback line or something that lets her know what she is doing.