Anonymous wrote:Im not trying to be unsympathetic, but what's the crisis is here? And why is this explained as an ADHD problem? Your husband got ready to leave before you were ready, and you're so annoyed by this that you skip a family event on a holiday? I just don't get it.....

In that case, you may also not get that you need to work on your reading comprehension and your empathy.

I'm sorry, OP. I hope your unplanned break gave you some strength and energy. I do not have a DH with ADHD, but am familiar with many of the feelings you described for other reasons. Hugs to you.

Im not trying to be unsympathetic, but what's the crisis is here? And why is this explained as an ADHD problem? Your husband got ready to leave before you were ready, and you're so annoyed by this that you skip a family event on a holiday? I just don't get it.....

I am you, almost exactly. Except my DH does take meds so it's a little better on most days. But he's still pretty focused on self and I do almost everything including make most of the money as well. My DH is a good guy too, but the burden of having to be responsible for everything and everyone is a heavy on. No advice, but I totally get it.

I'm sorry you have to live like this OP. Do something nice for yourself and enjoy the quiet moments. I know you are hurting, and I'm sorry.

I am a woman and have adult ADD.

Unfortunately OP, what you describe happening today is not the result of ADD. It's the result of his just being used to always being that way and routine.

Medication would help him. Another thing that helps is just to change the routine. This makes it so he can't go into autopilot. Autopilot allows a million other things to flow through the mind at once. That's hard to do when you have to stop and think.

For the everyday routine, say nothing, but get up and out of the house before him. He will be shocked and pissed but this is because you interrupted his ability to autopilot.

I have much in common with the OP, except I am the H. My W has ADHD and is incredibly slow at everything. I tend to do well over 50% of the household stuff, and tend to do more of the kids stuff. I am able to get myself dressed or make bfast, while pushing the kids along in their morning routines. She is hiding in the bathroom, getting ready but doing nothing else useful. I feel like I have 3 kids, one being my W. My fear is that divorce would result in joint custody, and that idea that my W would be in charge every other week(s) or something is simply scary. The kids would not be in physical danger, but their lives/homework/sports would be a disaster.

Just curious, is ADHD a born with thing, something you catch, mental illness ? I ask because a lot of the women here have kids and husbands with this condition yet they don't have it.

How can so many special need kids and husbands live in DC ?

OP, I am sorry you went through all of this today. It sounds just awful. My DH is a lot like yours and I have a sense of what it is like. Hugs. Hang in there.

Hugs. I wishi had advice. Mydh has moments like this on a smaller scale. Whenever we go somewhere, I'm in charge of getting three of us ready, he just has himself. Drives me nuts. I hope things improve for you.

That sounds really rough. Honestly, do something nice for yourself. You take care of three people with special needs 24/7. That's amazing. Everything you're feeling is completely valid, and I am glad you are enjoying the time alone tonight. Maybe just start saying "no" to these things a few more times to get the space you need. You can cook if you want, buy presents, etc, but leave it to the rest of your family to bring to the event and save yourself any stress. It may not change anything in the dynamics of the relationship with your DH or kids, but might give you that much-needed break without ruffling too many feathers. After all, burning out IS a type of sickness. Those "straw that broke the camel's back moments" are definitely things you should listen to and give yourself time without being hard on yourself. It's just as valid as your husband feeling like he needs to run on his schedule forsaking everything else because he is ADHD. So sorry you had a rough night.

Can you hang a nice sign in his man cave bathroom that says something like when he's done with his routine he will check to make sure xyz done before declaring departure?

Sorry OP.

This sucks. Sorry

I read all this. I'm so sorry. I'm glad you're appreciating being home alone, but I'm sorry that this may happen again and again.

We typically have T-day dinner with my DH's extended family (his parents are dead). He and I have been having some problems - well, I've been having problems with our relationship. DH is a good person but suffers from depression/ADHD. His depression is under control now with medication but his ADHD is not. So many of our problems are typical of ADHD but if you don't live with someone with ADHD, you may not get my story. DH and I have been married 15 years and two of our kids have ADHD. DH was diagnosed after our oldest. It wasn't really apparent until after we had kids and the demands/pressure increased. I have been so very supportive through thick and thin. I do a lot more than he does because I'm capable of more. For the most part, I don't mind but I think I've reached my limit. I couldn't bring myself to go with DH and the kids to his extended family's for dinner. I'm 'sick of spirit'.

I had intended to go and spent most of the day getting ready for it - cooking, scrambling for Hannukah gifts which I didn't know we needed until last minute. It takes a lot of mental energy for me to go to DH's family events. I am different culturally, linguistically, ethnically and religiously - which isn't a big deal for some in his family but appears to be an issue for others. Either that or they're just assholes but the effect is the same. I don't look forward to his family events but I do them because I think my kids should have an opportunity to have a relationship with the ones that are nice. DH isn't the best escort at these things. He doesn't notice when I'm uncomfortable and often doesn't realize when I'm trying to get support from him. He doesn't do these things on purpose, he just doesn't notice (yes, we've had a lot of discussions about this but he gets caught up in something else, it slips his mind or he doesn't notice). I don't like it but I'm a big girl and muddle through it.

DH and I shower at the same time but instead of getting myself ready, I get pulled into helping the kids. DH is downstairs doing something, I didn't know what. I finally get the kids ready and I go to do my hair and makeup. It doesn't take long but I didn't have a chance before this. Just as I finish my hair, I hear one of the kids yell that it's time to go. I come out, see DH at the front door with his coat on telling the kids to get their shoes and coats on. What the hell was he doing that for? I wasn't ready to go, the food was still in the kitchen and the gifts were on the table. His thinking is that if he's ready to go then everyone must be ready to go. Nevermind that a bunch of other shit needs to happen first. This actually isn't unusual. It happens a lot during the work week. He gets himself ready, goes to 'his bathroom' in the basement, spends a huge amount of time in his man-cave and when he emerges, he yells at the kids that it's time to go and to get their shoes/coats on. Does he check to see if they've had breakfast, had their medication, are lunches in the backpacks, etc? No, he tries to hustle them out the door in whatever state they're in because he's ready to go - even if it's half an hour early! We've had lots of discussions and arguments about this. Among other things, it leaves me feeling that he expect my first priority to be getting the kids ready to meet his timetable while he gets to do whatever he wants in the morning. It's also not fair to the kids and not how I want their day to start - who wants to start their day around an angry, yelling parent? And, not that it matters but I'm sure some will ask, I WOH FT and I bring in a lot more money than he does. We could live on my salary, we couldn't on his.

So, when it happened again tonight, something in me just broke. I felt so defeated and sad. I really don't want to go but I always do. I did all that cooking. I scrambled for those gifts. I helped the kids get ready. He didn't even bother to see if I was ready to go or what might need to be done. I guess what really gets me is he, again, wasn't thinking about me - thinking about us. It was only him. He wasn't being mean-spirited, he just wasn't thinking. I'm tired of him not thinking. I'm tired of always being the one who thinks, the one who has to plan, the one to direct, the one to take care of things. It's like he's another kid - it's worse because when he yells it really hurts them. He also won't do anything about it. He won't take medication (yet our kids do!), he won't do those things science shows will improve his symptoms - good sleep habits, exercise, limit screen time before bed, organizational strategies, etc. Oh, we talk about it and he says he'll do better but I can't even get him to put things on our shared calendar. With everything we have going on in our lives, we have to have a calendar to keep track of things - especially the things DH signs the kids up for. DH has seen an ADHD coach. She told him the same things I told him. He thinks it's a great idea but he doesn't do it. This has gone on for so long that I don't think it will ever change. All this and more crushed me as I saw DH standing by the door with his shoes and coat on - ready to walk out to go to dinner. I told him and the kids I wasn't feeling well and would be staying home.

And, I did. I actually feel great about not being there. It's nice to have the house to myself. That never happens. But I'm really sad for myself, too. DH is a really nice guy but his ADHD is killing me. This story is just one very insignificant event. There have been a lot more significant ones. If you have a loved one with ADHD, I'm sure you can imagine the other stories I have. Like I said, DH is a nice guy but that's not enough. I need someone I can depend upon, someone to share the load. Ugh. Maybe I'll go out shopping. Thanks for listening.