My grandmother lived with us for awhile. She was physically disabled and walked with a walker but was cognitively fine. She could move short distances but couldn't take her hands off the walker to reach for anything. She needed help toileting, bathing, getting dressed due to limited mobility.

The pros were that she was able to stay in a home environment with family ad we had the multi-generational benefits.

The cons were a long list. While technically we could leave her alone, she would always try and 'help' while were out with some household task and end up falling and lying on the floor until we got home. She started to not want to be alone and would want to be with us 100% of the time. Given her physical limitations, this was very restrictive. She would get depressed if she wasn't included in everything and cry about being a burden. She went to bed fairly early but wanted you to stay with her and talk, and if you left she was like a child, thinking of reasons to call you back.
We had someone who came and stayed with her at various times but she only accepted this person as health care support / maid service and wanted the woman to work the whole time she was there. The woman was there to help but also to provide companionship however my grandmother did not want or appreciate the companionship aspect!

In the end she went into LTC. It was a heartbreaking decision and no one felt good about it then or now. We bring her to our house every Sunday for the day and visit her twice a week but she still feels very much abandoned and neglected. She is safer and there are more activities she can be involved in and she has more independence as she can use an electric wheelchair there. Despite the guilt, I still think it was the best decision.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Pp, why don't you take a bit of time to learn a bit of grammar?

She's "well care for"?

I'm sorry for the sloppy post - I'm typing on an iPhone while I BF.

Don't pay attention pp! Anyone with a half brain could infer it was a typo and even if it wasn't, we could get the message.

Anonymous wrote:My DD1 and I just got finished changing my mom's leg wound dressing.

I can't express enough how much a little time with older folks that they love can shape a kid's capacity for patience, love, kindness, and to do squeamish-type things. So many kids it's just all about them…and the parents service them (I plead guilty to being their cook/chauffer/maid etc--not that it's wrong but it's always hard to strike that balance between getting it done quickly by yourself or having them do it, or forcing them to do it…the nag factor. Anyways it's just good when grandma says, "oh, Sophia, can you help me put on my socks?" and she said, "oh, sure, Grandma…"

Ok, nice. However, what are the logistics of the living arrangement? I am not really interested in the advantages or disadvantages, only the logistics. Can you leave your mother alone? If not, how do you manage your life?

thanks!

Anonymous wrote:Pp, why don't you take a bit of time to learn a bit of grammar?

She's "well care for"?

I'm sorry for the sloppy post - I'm typing on an iPhone while I BF.

My DD1 and I just got finished changing my mom's leg wound dressing.

I can't express enough how much a little time with older folks that they love can shape a kid's capacity for patience, love, kindness, and to do squeamish-type things. So many kids it's just all about them…and the parents service them (I plead guilty to being their cook/chauffer/maid etc--not that it's wrong but it's always hard to strike that balance between getting it done quickly by yourself or having them do it, or forcing them to do it…the nag factor. Anyways it's just good when grandma says, "oh, Sophia, can you help me put on my socks?" and she said, "oh, sure, Grandma…"

Pp, why don't you take a bit of time to learn a bit of grammar?

She's "well care for"?

Honestly OP it sounds like your MIL needs more care than you can provide, and that's ok. We had to put my mother in a care facility when she no longer knew who we were and couldn't be left alone. She would open the front door and walk right out, it became very scary for us one night when I was upstairs doing bed time with my kids and when I can back down she was gone. She's well care for and we visit 2 times a week even thought she knows us less than half the time.

BUMP

17:43 - What did your mother did about it? Did she just stay home all day and had things delivered?

I am just trying to figure out how we could manage her living with us - maybe hiring some sort of aid for the day time and have some back up for for when we want to go on short vacations? Has anyone done something like that?

OP here. Thanks for your feedback pp. It seems your MIL is high functioning as long as she takes her medication. Mine is not - she certainly could not be left alone at home for any length of time and she is to a point she doesn't have many boundaries. She can't help, it is just the way she is right now. She sometimes thinks someone is going to attack my child and tries to "grab" her protectively, but it can be a little bit scary. I imagine it can be scarier for other children coming to our home for playdates.

I am sure in a real pinch I could take her to the grocery store with me, but it would certainly be a nightmare. Think about a 100lbs belligerent toddler wanting to wander around or maybe spitting on people, etc.

I think it's key if the relative can be alone, at least for a few hours. My demented grandfather could not be left alone at all and it was a HUGE drain on my mom even though she would never admit it. He had the money/ltc insurance for good assisted living/nursing care. She "didn't like" any of the places.

She missed a lot in her own kids/grand kids lives during those 2 years for a man she was never close to and who didn't even know who she was. Obviously it still bothers me.

My MIL lives with us. We re-did a bathroom so she didn't have to step over a ledge to get into the bathtub, and there's a bench to sit down. As long as she takes all her medication she's fine so we're careful about that.

I think being around people helps her not get depressed. She can be left home alone for several hours without a problem, probably even all day, but DH prefers not to leave her home alone overnight.

She comes with us on vacations or goes to stay with another relative when she doesn't want to come. If she needed hardcore physical help we would hire a nurse's aide or something.

It is a very sweet thing to see her teaching the kids how to cook, helping them with homework, calming them down by telling them a story about the olden days, etc.

I am not sure why you think a grandparent would get in the way of hosting playdates for your children? She comes with us to run errands or go food shopping when she wants to.

So, if you have your elderly family member (MIL, FIL, PARENT) living with you what is the arrangement? I was "talking" to someone in the other thread "what is the hardest thing you are going through now"

about her debilitated MIL living with them. I asked some questions but I guess they got lost in the middle of all the other stories and replies.

What I would like to know is what do you manage the day-to-day life with a debilitate elderly - be it physically, mentally OR both? Like, if they need help to go to the bathroom, to feed themselves (can't prepare their own food), are demented, etc.

How do you do in order to run your errands, do groceries, take your child to activities, host play dates for your children, etc?

Also, what about vacations? What do you do about your elderly relative when you want to spend the weekend at NY or one week at Disney or whatever? Do you still do those things at all or just cut them out of your life?

Thanks for any helpful answers!