Form bonds with close friends that can be bonus "aunts" and "uncles" to your kids

Anonymous wrote:We are trying to come to terms with the same thing. A sibling who scheduled a vacation when our baby was due, who has never visited our New home even though we are within driving distance and have given very specific invites multiple times. We don't miss out of town family events if we can help it and she does nothing. It's insulting and hurtful, but family is just not her priority. We can't make her care. Very frustrating, but this is life, I guess.

It may be hurtful to you but it shouldn't be insulting. You have differeing expectations and desires. That doesn't make your sibling bad, it doesn't mean that she doesn't care for you. She's just different from you and that's okay.

We are trying to come to terms with the same thing. A sibling who scheduled a vacation when our baby was due, who has never visited our New home even though we are within driving distance and have given very specific invites multiple times. We don't miss out of town family events if we can help it and she does nothing. It's insulting and hurtful, but family is just not her priority. We can't make her care. Very frustrating, but this is life, I guess.

I agree with the others, let it go. Tell him your plans and if he shows up, great.

Another perspective - all growing up, we only saw a few memebers of my extended family a few times a year. The rest I rarely, if ever, saw. I grew up being a happy, well adjusted child and am very close to my parents. They've always been there for me. I don't feel jealous about others w/closer extended families. Your kids won't notice. But they will notice if there's bad blood between anyone. And they will notice if you try to force a relationship that's not happening naturally.

Maybe your Brother just doesn't get along well with your parents/family?

My family accused me of behavior like this, but they made my life miserable when I did visit. Eventually I just never made time for them. They wanted to know why, and to avoid a fight I just made excuses similar to your brother. I didn't want to bring up old grievances.

I would give him the benefit of the doubt for your own sanity.

Anonymous wrote:I am still trying to figure out how a 'couple of weeks' ahead of time is last minute. I am very into family, and we just do not and usually cannot make and announce travel plans MONTHS in advance. When we make the final plans, we let folks know.

Really? She mentioned family in the Midwest. This isn't just a weekend trip. I bet the OP's boss would like to know when she's taking vacation days more than a couple weeks in advance, and if her parents or the ILs have to take any time off, that needs to be arranged too.

OP, I'm an only child, so I can't tell you what to do about your sibling, but I can say in my situation that it's really important to have friends who are like family. Maybe you're in the same boat. It sucks about your siblings, though.

I am still trying to figure out how a 'couple of weeks' ahead of time is last minute. I am very into family, and we just do not and usually cannot make and announce travel plans MONTHS in advance. When we make the final plans, we let folks know.

Anonymous wrote:...and some people get more into family once they get married and have their own kids. My sister was NEVER into family, never attended weddings, sent Christmas cards, and rarely visited for more than a night. Now that she has a baby, she is all about family. My kids didn't notice, kids tend to accept things for what they are.

Ha. That was pretty much me. I loved my family but I was busy living my own life...places to go, people to see, things to do. S-l-o-w-i-n-g down and hanging out with family was not something that I could do for very long. It felt kind of claustrophobic to me, there was always something more exciting waiting for me back at my place. I can't really explain it..

Now that I have kids, a husband, home, etc. My life pretty much revolves around family. Go figure, lol.

you also don't know how he feels about his childhood/family. He might not feel as happy about his childhood/family as you do.

Try not to feel guilty, OP. I think you are already making the effort. It's a bit hurtful when a sib does this sort of thing - BTDT - but you can't make that horse drink.

...and some people get more into family once they get married and have their own kids. My sister was NEVER into family, never attended weddings, sent Christmas cards, and rarely visited for more than a night. Now that she has a baby, she is all about family. My kids didn't notice, kids tend to accept things for what they are.

You "deal" with it by living your life, communicating and offering to get together with your brother as much as possible, and not sweating it when it doesn't work out. Some people just get really stressed by family functions and it's not their thing. It's probably not personal.

You shared your itinerary with him in advance. If he shares his last minute and you all aren't able to meet up, that's a shame but you tried.

Anonymous wrote:I've tried to just accept that he has different priorities, but I'd like for our DS to have close relationships with our family members.

Agree with PP that you can't engineer that relationship for your DS--it has to be up to your brother. Tell your DS nice and funny stories about your brother, show family pictures, set the groundwork for a good relationship between them if your brother ever wants to step up.

You can not force people to have relationships with your son. Teach your son that different people value family ties more than others, and sometimes that urge to draw family close fluctuates as one goes through different stages in life.

Reach out to your brother when you get there and say "Hey, tomorrow we'll be at Grandma Sadie's - 1034 Circle Drive - all afternoon and for dinner. If you can pop in, we'd love to see you and catch up!" Then let it go.

I have one brother who usually acts like he can't be bothered to call my mom or return my phone calls. When he does go back to the Midwest for the holidays, he usually doesn't let us know his travel plans until a couple weeks before, by which time we've made committments to my in-laws. I let him know when we'll be in our hometown well in advance. He doesn't have any kids, and makes time to do what he wants (go to Hawaii, ride his motorcycle, etc.), so his excuse of being too busy to call is a little flimsy. I've tried to just accept that he has different priorities, but I'd like for our DS to have close relationships with our family members. I've stopped trying to call my brother and just text him once in a great while, and am not going to switch around our holiday plans at the last minute. I feel a little guilty about this, though.

DW has a brother who has cut off almost all contact with her and her parents for a few years for reasons that are unclear. There's really not much they can do.