4 kids in your mid twenties? damn!, thats a lot!. Twins?

Op, I responded to you on another thread. First, you need some mom friends. Go find them either via moms club, (every county has one) and/or Meetup. Also, your husband is hiding from his family and you are excusing that behavior. You can't connect with someone who isn't there. All jobs have stress to some degree. If his job is causing him problems, then he needs a new one. My husband was in a job that sucked the life out of him as was my sister. Both are fine with different jobs, same line of work, different boss combined with the expectation that they need and deserve down time. People have offered you advice on this thread, and on several others, and the only thing you seem to be able to do is make excuses for why your life is sucky. If you have time for excuses, then you have time to get off your dead ass and solve the problem. Finally, but probably most importantly, your husband would be a lot happier if you wanted him sexuallyv. "giving in" to his needs. Giving in is what you do for a movie, nobody wants to have sex with someone who is just giving them an "I'm obligated to fuck" duty call.

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

Thank you for each of your comments.

Many people, after finding out how young I was when I wed, feel that they cannot relate to me. However, I have to disagree with them. Just because I married young doesn't mean that you all who married later in life and enjoyed your twenties haven't dealt with or experienced some of the same things I have. I'm just experiencing them sooner than you and much sooner than most people my age.

I don't go to church. With 4 kids and a husband never home, the last thing I want to do on a Sunday morning is force toddlers to be quiet, act appropriately and keep their clothes without stains for a 9am service. That 9am service, which requires a 6am wake up call in order to get there on time. Maybe in a few years! HA.

I am a complete extrovert and reach out to many women. I don't think anything is wrong with me or them but I find it hard to build true friendships with women. In order to be a true friend, you have to be vulnerable. I'm a completely open book and not perfect. Maybe I will find someone just as lost, frazzled and tired as I am!

Thanks again for your responses anyway.

How are you doing at connecting with other people (both other students and professors) at school? I ask because I think it is really important in 2 ways -- school is a major place to make lifelong friends and it is a major place to make connections for future work. Not having any friends to bitch to, or play with, or ask to cover/help you, really makes life more difficult. I say this as a mom who went to law school while I had two kids and my partner worked full-time. I definitely didn't form the friendships and network that would've been helpful, but, in retrospect, that was probably my fault. It's easy to go to school, but focus on your family and doing school work by yourself, especially if you are a good student and don't need to reach out much for help. Are there "older student" groups at school, mentorship programs, a daycare center college families use, etc.? Do you have a study group? Are you working with a a career counselor, maybe that person can make suggestions? Participating in a student activity group of interest? You are putting a lot of pressure on your husband if he is the only person with whom you have/seek a "connection". We all need many people beyond our spouse for this.

Another thing is maybe you can have a certain time of the day when you and your husband do "business", i.e. one day you review the weekly calendar/plans, or everyday at breakfast, whatever, and promise that you will try to keep evenings after a certain time free of that kind of stuff. And, of course, making it a priority to plan one "fun" thing just the two of you, even if all you can manage is sitting on the couch watching a funny movie and drinking beers. I also found it hugely useful to keep early bedtimes for our kids so that we always had a kid-free time in the evening, even if only for an hour or so.

FWIW, IME, all moms (working or stay at home) are lost, frazzled and tired at least some of the time (and probably most of the time if the kids are still under 5), it's just a question of how much they are willing to admit it!

And, you don't have to always own up to your age. Do people ask you how old you are; it's quite a rude question! If so, I would just say something like "today I'm feeling ancient..." or "old enough" or something else that doesn't reveal exactly how old you are. Unfortunately, teen parenthood immediately conjures up certain stereotypes.

OP, I have read multiple posts from you, you seem to be so concerned about keeping the love between you two...don't get me wrong, but it sounds like something that a childless woman with too much time on her hands would be concerned about... Why not concentrate more on your kids, your studies, and let the things run their course?

OP here.

Thank you for each of your comments.

Many people, after finding out how young I was when I wed, feel that they cannot relate to me. However, I have to disagree with them. Just because I married young doesn't mean that you all who married later in life and enjoyed your twenties haven't dealt with or experienced some of the same things I have. I'm just experiencing them sooner than you and much sooner than most people my age.

I don't go to church. With 4 kids and a husband never home, the last thing I want to do on a Sunday morning is force toddlers to be quiet, act appropriately and keep their clothes without stains for a 9am service. That 9am service, which requires a 6am wake up call in order to get there on time. Maybe in a few years! HA.

I am a complete extrovert and reach out to many women. I don't think anything is wrong with me or them but I find it hard to build true friendships with women. In order to be a true friend, you have to be vulnerable. I'm a completely open book and not perfect. Maybe I will find someone just as lost, frazzled and tired as I am!

Thanks again for your responses anyway.

Anonymous wrote:So you got married when you were 15?

Do you read or just spout off judgments without fact checking?

So you got married when you were 15?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Long-time married, here, and very much in love with each other still…

fyi we definitely had a rough patch when kids were born and little; soooo hard. It will get better. (if you can afford it, get a cleaning service 1x week or every other week)

I heard the BEST piece of advice: "Make your husband want to come home." It changed our marriage.

I realized that the second my DH walked in, I was giving him the second shift. I had the honey-do list…I was no fun--we were no fun--to come home to. He'd probably have a little more peace if he stayed at the office later, since the office hours were over and he could zone out...

Small example: In my particular situation, I have a DH who hates home repair and of course I had a pile of home repair items. After hearing that advice I did the home repair myself or hired someone. Money well spent. DH hasn't seen the inside of Home Depot in YEARS now.

I just started thinking about what environment would make him long to leave his very interesting job and come home, and I started changing our home, and me. It's hard because you're tired and all that, and feels a bit unfair, and it takes a while to take effect, but it does work. He's told me so! Ha! He got into a habit of calling and saying, "I could do x y and z, or I could come home…" just waiting for me to say, "oh! come on home! you know I love seeing you, and if you have to bring a little work home with you, I'll give you your space." I think that phone call is sort of testing the waters, to see that I'm really that oasis from his job (instead of the grouchy wife).

Good luck, OP (and I'm glad you realize you're just in the thick of the storm. Hold Fast!)

Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

I do want to be my husbands joy. But, I find myself often times being that grouchy wife. When he calls, sometimes he is the ONLY adult I have spoken to all day but my words aren't the nicest. I'm complaining mostly. I have tried to look at the phone, see his number on the caller ID and not answer right away so that I can have a couple of seconds to put on my not-tired-as-hell-overwhelmed-bitchy-SAHM voice.

And, like you said, I do realize where we are. I see so many just give up. I wish I had a woman to turn to and talk but all the friends I had are just starting their marriages or don't have children yet. We started early so not many can relate.

Thanks again!

OP, I think the smartest thing you could do is seek out and find an older female "mentor" of sorts who could be a sounding board for you. You are very young to have this much responsibility and you will find that few of us here on DCUM can relate to being married at 17 and having 4 kids by your mid-twenties. Do you go to church? Often there, you will find marriage groups, couples groups, etc. that will actively work to support you and your DH -- alone and together -- in growing in your marriage.

Well, before the kids and the wedding, you were just a teenager. Things don't stay like they were in your teenage life. Real life gets in the way, with real responsibilities and problems. I think a combination of different expectations and trying to set aside some couple time would be helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How young were you when you got married? If you are only mid twenties were you like 16?

I was 17.

One thing you have to remember is that love you had when you were 17 and had no responsibilities is totally different from the love you'll have now. You can't compare the two. It is unfair to you, your marriage, and your husband. I'm assuming your kids are young and still have an earlyish bed time. So one night a weekend, have an at home date. Order takeout and have some wine or whatever your beverage of choice is. No computers, no TV, no phones. Talk, play a board game, just relax. Doing that and having some date nights (which I understand is hard in your situation) is one of the biggest reasons our relationship is as strong as it is.

Other than that, I second what 20:13 said. Great advice.

Anonymous wrote:Long-time married, here, and very much in love with each other still…

fyi we definitely had a rough patch when kids were born and little; soooo hard. It will get better. (if you can afford it, get a cleaning service 1x week or every other week)

I heard the BEST piece of advice: "Make your husband want to come home." It changed our marriage.

I realized that the second my DH walked in, I was giving him the second shift. I had the honey-do list…I was no fun--we were no fun--to come home to. He'd probably have a little more peace if he stayed at the office later, since the office hours were over and he could zone out...

Small example: In my particular situation, I have a DH who hates home repair and of course I had a pile of home repair items. After hearing that advice I did the home repair myself or hired someone. Money well spent. DH hasn't seen the inside of Home Depot in YEARS now.

I just started thinking about what environment would make him long to leave his very interesting job and come home, and I started changing our home, and me. It's hard because you're tired and all that, and feels a bit unfair, and it takes a while to take effect, but it does work. He's told me so! Ha! He got into a habit of calling and saying, "I could do x y and z, or I could come home…" just waiting for me to say, "oh! come on home! you know I love seeing you, and if you have to bring a little work home with you, I'll give you your space." I think that phone call is sort of testing the waters, to see that I'm really that oasis from his job (instead of the grouchy wife).

Good luck, OP (and I'm glad you realize you're just in the thick of the storm. Hold Fast!)

Thank you for such a thoughtful response.

I do want to be my husbands joy. But, I find myself often times being that grouchy wife. When he calls, sometimes he is the ONLY adult I have spoken to all day but my words aren't the nicest. I'm complaining mostly. I have tried to look at the phone, see his number on the caller ID and not answer right away so that I can have a couple of seconds to put on my not-tired-as-hell-overwhelmed-bitchy-SAHM voice.

And, like you said, I do realize where we are. I see so many just give up. I wish I had a woman to turn to and talk but all the friends I had are just starting their marriages or don't have children yet. We started early so not many can relate.

Thanks again!

Anonymous wrote:How young were you when you got married? If you are only mid twenties were you like 16?

I was 17.

Long-time married, here, and very much in love with each other still…

fyi we definitely had a rough patch when kids were born and little; soooo hard. It will get better. (if you can afford it, get a cleaning service 1x week or every other week)

I heard the BEST piece of advice: "Make your husband want to come home." It changed our marriage.

I realized that the second my DH walked in, I was giving him the second shift. I had the honey-do list…I was no fun--we were no fun--to come home to. He'd probably have a little more peace if he stayed at the office later, since the office hours were over and he could zone out...

Small example: In my particular situation, I have a DH who hates home repair and of course I had a pile of home repair items. After hearing that advice I did the home repair myself or hired someone. Money well spent. DH hasn't seen the inside of Home Depot in YEARS now.

I just started thinking about what environment would make him long to leave his very interesting job and come home, and I started changing our home, and me. It's hard because you're tired and all that, and feels a bit unfair, and it takes a while to take effect, but it does work. He's told me so! Ha! He got into a habit of calling and saying, "I could do x y and z, or I could come home…" just waiting for me to say, "oh! come on home! you know I love seeing you, and if you have to bring a little work home with you, I'll give you your space." I think that phone call is sort of testing the waters, to see that I'm really that oasis from his job (instead of the grouchy wife).

Good luck, OP (and I'm glad you realize you're just in the thick of the storm. Hold Fast!)

How young were you when you got married? If you are only mid twenties were you like 16?

I am a young, stay at home mother of four children. When I say young, I am in my mid-twenties and my husband will turn 30 this upcoming year. I am a full time college student and DH has a very stressful job that requires long hours, time away from home and comes with an extensive amount of stress and is physically exhausting. We have been married for almost 10 years.

Before the kids and our wedding, we were so in love. I'm talking rip-your-clothes-off love and everyone could see how happy we were. After 10 years, the honeymoon is definitely over and real, hard, overwhelming life has taken over. Add in raising children and we're both pretty much spent. I have taken on all household responsibilities (cleaning, laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, bills/budgeting, even yard work) and my husbands job is to provide. Even though we both work so hard at our jobs (I call being a SAHM a job because it is the hardest thing I have ever done!), we could benefit from putting forth more effort towards our relationship with one another.

I have heard many, many times that having young children is the most difficult time and that we just have to weather the storm. When I see successful marriages that have lasted for 40 some years, I wonder what the golden ticket to getting there would be. I love my husband. I understand that he is worn out and probably isn't meaning to neglect my needs but at the end of the day (after being AT work more than he is home) he has nothing left to give. For those who want to know and think it is important, I do give in to his sexual needs and we are affectionate. I guess I am just missing the connection. The connection of something other than, "Did you pay XYZ?" "I need to get this for the kids" "Oh, you have to work late and won't be home for dinner?"....you know the "business" of a marriage/family.

Advice from any of you wise DCUM members with successful, happy marriages?