I also liked Lauren Sandler's *One and Only." There's one chapter in which she says that she loves that she can tell her daughter "I love you best of all." For some reason, it really resonated with me. I always felt that my parents gave most of their energy to dealing with my younger brother who was SN. I don't have to worry about playing favorites, and I never have to shortchange my daughter because another child is demanding more time/energy. Also, there's a chapter in *NurtureShock* that deals with siblings (and how they are not necessary to teach children to be sociable). All the evidence is that only children are no more spoiled or selfish than any other children. (Anecdotally, the most spoiled people I know as adults were the babies of the family, although certainly not all youngest children are spoiled).

For us--money (college savings, retirement savings, regular savings, ability to travel for fun and to see family), time, energy -- we have more of these things to give our daughter. In turn, we make sure that she has plenty of opportunities to socialize with other kids. I don't especially worry about spoiling her. I just enjoy the amazing little girl that I have.

As an adult only child, let me just say this; do your child a HUGE favor and make sure you are financially prepared to be self-sufficient in your later years and that any extreme burdens associated with taking care of you won't fall on your only child, who will likely be taking care of a young family of their own at that point. Just keep that in mind and I'm sure they'll be fine!!

I, too, was initially sad about our inability to have more children, BUT there are so many upsides. The financial benefits are not easily dismissed--we have college savings under control as well as retirement, we can afford extras in terms of camps and classes, we can take our son skiing for a weekend AND afford to bring along a friend once in a while.

As others have mentioned, onlies have a bad reputation for being selfish and spoiled, and that is 100 percent not true. Like any parents, we worked tirelessly on sharing and conflict resolution when our son was a toddler and preschooler. He has lots of friends and also knows how to entertain himself when needed.

The bottom line is, every family is different and the life of the only child can be every bit as good as one with siblings.

OP here. Thank you! I'm feeling better already. I think this is the right decision for us. I will continue to reread this thread to reassure myself that it is going to be great.

Anonymous wrote:Teacher here - I can always tell when a child is an "only" because they are so confident when approaching and speaking with adults!

Also - We have an only and I notice that we, and other families with onlies, are more outgoing and friendly, they look outward more rather than inward, as i notice with larger families, and are willing to make new friends. And are more likely to travel. In fact, we are about to embark on a 2-year tour of the world. NO LIE. See ya later DCUM!!!

That is too cool. Bon voyage! I am so jealous!

Siblings can be highly overrated, OP, so don't feel as though you are necessarily shortchanging your only child by not giving him or her siblings. Some siblings are super-close -- others (many others) are estranged.

Anonymous wrote:Long story short, DH and I are pretty close to finally deciding to stop at one child. There is a part of me that is at peace with this but the biggest part of me is sad about it. It comes down to a lot of different reasons but mostly that DH would prefer to just have one. My sweetheart is willing to have another but every time we discuss it it is clear that he is willing but not enthusiastic. This doesn't seem like something to cpmpromise on. I just think it would be wrong to have a second when he is not 100% in. So, I see benefits of having just one and have to accept it. To be honest, I am struggling. I can envision a great life for the three of us, but when I think of getting rid of the baby stuff I have saved I lose it.

Help me out. Tell me all of the reasons why having one child is fabulous. Reassure me that he will not be self-centered and that I will be able to teach him to share.

The other pp's have done a great job listing the benefits. But I have to add the bolded is such a stereotype (and an annoying one). I say this as an only child who always put everyone ahead of myself and hardly had a backbone until I was in my 20s.

OP, I've only just come to peace in the last year with the idea that we have an only.

Benefits as others mentioned are more time, money, opportunity.

Everyone tells me your heart has room for two, but I can tell you how much I treasure the fact that I am always available to my little one. I don't have to say "wait, the baby's crying" or have to choose between this one's soccer game and that one's recital.

There are tons of upsides to having multiple kids, and I too am trying to focus on all the joy and positives of an only.

Teacher here - I can always tell when a child is an "only" because they are so confident when approaching and speaking with adults!

Also - We have an only and I notice that we, and other families with onlies, are more outgoing and friendly, they look outward more rather than inward, as i notice with larger families, and are willing to make new friends. And are more likely to travel. In fact, we are about to embark on a 2-year tour of the world. NO LIE. See ya later DCUM!!!

If I only had one 529 account to pay into every month I would be a lot less stressed of an individual.

No worries about favoritism. Self-centeredness fears are way overblown. My only is generous, empathic, concerned about others. Many onlies are the nicest kids I know.

Buy or borrow a copy of "One and Only," by Lauren Sandler. It is an honest look at the ups and downs of having an only child, and she has done the research.

We have an only child and we are very happy - our family works this way. We live in the city close to work and school, we can afford to give our child a great education, we still have time to be a couple and also to be alone so that we don't get burned out as working parents, we both have jobs that we enjoy, and we also can afford trips for all three of us to visit our families (who live far away) and also to visit interesting places. Our child is a very self-sufficient, cheerful kid thus far, and he does not have any issues with sharing or socializing. But both of us only wanted one to begin with. And, although this sounds trite, as with any parenting decision, there are pros and cons, and you have to do what feels right and works for your family. If you truly feel that you would be unhappy with only one child, then maybe you need to have another talk with your partner.

Do you like to travel? Are you adventurous? If so, it is sooo much easier to travel around the world with only one child! Easier AND cheaper of course! Also you have more free time for yourself as you and your husband can take turns more easily to give the other parent a break.

Your child will most likely have more resources - financial and emotional from her parents. She/he will probably be very confident, mature and social.

I was an only and so is my husband. We love our only child and love life with an only, that said, we decided to have another because there are also some disadvantages to being an only, which do not come into place now because you asked "how great" it is There are positive and negative for both op!

More money.
More travel.
More enrichment.


More time to build a special one-on-one relationship with each parent.


To help prevent (or mitigate) self-centeredness:

Practice sharing. He doesn't have siblings to share with, so make him share with you and spouse. Share toys when playing together. Don't make additional TVS, laptops, iPods, etc. available. Share. Share books when older. Share vehicles. We tend to give our kids everything they want, often before they express a real interest. That isn't conducive to sharing, and not ideal on several other levels.

Long story short, DH and I are pretty close to finally deciding to stop at one child. There is a part of me that is at peace with this but the biggest part of me is sad about it. It comes down to a lot of different reasons but mostly that DH would prefer to just have one. My sweetheart is willing to have another but every time we discuss it it is clear that he is willing but not enthusiastic. This doesn't seem like something to cpmpromise on. I just think it would be wrong to have a second when he is not 100% in. So, I see benefits of having just one and have to accept it. To be honest, I am struggling. I can envision a great life for the three of us, but when I think of getting rid of the baby stuff I have saved I lose it.

Help me out. Tell me all of the reasons why having one child is fabulous. Reassure me that he will not be self-centered and that I will be able to teach him to share.