Anonymous wrote:I would basically expect, both based on what I'd want and what my DH has shown in the past, that DH would drop everything and do absolutely everything for me he possibly could.

I had several serious surgeries while we were dating and I remember him standing right outside the shower with a towel open, and him getting the water at the right temp before walking me over to it, he handled all meals, got people to visit when I was bored, kept them away when I couldn't deal, bought me stupid mags to read, everything. He outsourced french-braiding my hair, but that's about it. So I would expect the same if I had cancer, with the addition of taking care of the baby.

The difference between surgeries and cancer is HUGE. With surgeries, when it is over, it is over. Cancer is really never over. And cancer treatments last a long time….So, for many spouses, it's hard to keep up the caregiving for months or years. And if there are kids involved, it's hard on everyone even more.

It is very different when you are dating and if it is a surgery that you are going to recover from.

Anonymous wrote:The past is the past. Please don't hold a grudge. It's not healthy- analyzing it.

My husband had cancer. We both longed for the "gift of normalcy". We hoped each day would be ordinary. Some people need this more than others to cope. Assume your husband was holding-it-together best he could. Those who love you will show their love and concern in different ways. You can't dictate it.

OP here: Isn't that what therapy does is to analyze the past? My DH thinks my perspective was skewed. He thought he did the best that he could.

The past is the past. Please don't hold a grudge. It's not healthy- analyzing it.

My husband had cancer. We both longed for the "gift of normalcy". We hoped each day would be ordinary. Some people need this more than others to cope. Assume your husband was holding-it-together best he could. Those who love you will show their love and concern in different ways. You can't dictate it.

M here. I was getting the wrong kind of help. DW wanted to do the things I would try to do instead of the things I couldn't. For example, I was not allowed to lift more than 5 lbs for 6 weeks. I would not get help in lifting, but she would walk me to the bathroom, which I was ok to do.

Your husband did as little as my father did for my mother. You deserved much, much better as did she.

OP Here: I had major depression too. I have had PPD from the kids before. I always worry I will fall under the depression since I'm a repeat offender. I just wonder if it is something to do with my feeling of lack of support. I don't have friends close by because we have to move alot for his job. My friends are scattered about nowadays anyhow. I feel no one really understands me anyhow. He had a big business trip he had to go on and he wanted me to go. So he says send for my parents, which I really don't want to ask them to do anything for me because they were not very supportive of me in my youth. I pretty much carved my way on my own taking the least amount of support I could from them. I wanted to get away on my own and I thought he would watch the kids but again he says send for my parents. They came and I constantly relive the angst I had with them. He can't ask his own mom because she is too old. But mine are not spring chickens either. I always feel he wants to delegate the problems away. I think I'm pretty much cancer free as far as I can tell. Thanks for the kind words.

I had cancer and I also felt a bit alone during the time - I could have used more help and care. I don't have any other family in this country, so it was all on my DH's shoulders. We had 2 young kids at the time. As much as I felt a bit alone, I do think that my DH did as much as he could to keep on top of his job, the kids and the house, not to mention the stress of having a wife undergoing several surgeries and the unknown of cancer. I think it's very hard to be in their position. It helped to talk to my mother on the phone a lot. I actually think I learned a big lesson about expectations - and that it's okay to feel a bit alone. It's actually more important to not let your expectations get in the way of an otherwise wonderful relationship, if that makes sense.

Glad you're better!

I would basically expect, both based on what I'd want and what my DH has shown in the past, that DH would drop everything and do absolutely everything for me he possibly could.

I had several serious surgeries while we were dating and I remember him standing right outside the shower with a towel open, and him getting the water at the right temp before walking me over to it, he handled all meals, got people to visit when I was bored, kept them away when I couldn't deal, bought me stupid mags to read, everything. He outsourced french-braiding my hair, but that's about it. So I would expect the same if I had cancer, with the addition of taking care of the baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'd have to drive DH to my funeral if it were possible. He cannot handle the really big stuff.

LOL. Yes, that is my DH too. He will behave as if nothing is out of the ordinary even if the sky is falling down, and pretty much do nothing.

However, he did good. Cause the fact that you had to orchestrate everything meant that you did not even have time to die. And that is a good thing.

Me too and I actually drive everywhere as well. Maybe he'll have a self driving car by the time I die.

I'm sorry too, OP. You deserved more than it sounds like you got and I hope you're healthy and feeling better now.

You have the right to expect as much from him as he would expect from you if the situation was reversed. HOWEVER, we all know that just because you should be able to, doesn't make that the reality.

I'm a surgeon and I can't tell you how many female patients will do anything to stay in the hospital a few extra nights, especially the ones with kids. They know that once they return home, no matter how sick, tired, sore, drugged, they are, their DH will abdicate any and all responsibility.

My DH is the same way, unfortunately. I remember laying in bed, still bleeding after my D&C while he let DD2 climb all over me and tell me how hungry they were, when was I going to make dinner...seriously?

Anonymous wrote:I'm sorry OP. I'd have to drive DH to my funeral if it were possible. He cannot handle the really big stuff.

LOL. Yes, that is my DH too. He will behave as if nothing is out of the ordinary even if the sky is falling down, and pretty much do nothing.

However, he did good. Cause the fact that you had to orchestrate everything meant that you did not even have time to die. And that is a good thing.

I'm sorry OP. I'd have to drive DH to my funeral if it were possible. He cannot handle the really big stuff.

No hon, you deserved much more from your husband during your time of need. I hope that cancer is gone and you're feeling better.

Not to excuse his behavior but some men handle illness different from women. Where we care and step up, men run and are afraid. It's not that they don't care it's they're afraid they lose us and don't want to watch it happen slowly.

Don't dwell on it. He was there when he thought he should be. At least he tried to help.

I felt my DH was there for the most part. But wanted me to rely on others to take me to chemo and radiation. He went to my surgeries and one chemo and one radiation session. He would happily accept meals. We had two young children at the time. He sent for my parents, who I always hate asking them for anything. Whatever friends I had that were willing to come came. I felt like I was pretty much orchestrating everything. He took maybe 4 days off for the whole thing even though he has tons of leave. He did help on the really important decisions. Was I expecting too much to have more hand holding?